Quiet steps into familiar spaces

A few minutes after I had settled back into my seat, Hector appeared quietly beside me. “Deppgrl, the pilots would like a word,” he said gently.

I raised an eyebrow but followed him without protest, curiosity nudging me forward. The aisle seemed narrower than usual with the cabin lights dimmed, and I felt a small flutter of unease as we approached the cockpit. Every subtle hum of the engines seemed amplified, the vibrations underfoot reminding me I was high above the earth.

Inside, Pierre and Markian looked up from their instruments, both wearing attentive but neutral expressions. Pierre spoke first. “Are you okay?”

I shrugged lightly, forcing a small smile. “I’m fine. Do you need anything?”

Markian shook his head. “No, we’re fine. We just worried about you and your quick departure.”

I nodded, feeling the tension in my shoulders ease a little. “Thanks but I’m fine.”

Pierre gave a small nod. “Good. We just wanted to make sure that you were ok.”

I offered a polite but annoyed smile. “For the third time, I am fine.”

Markian leaned back slightly, eyes flicking briefly over the instruments. “Understood. We just like to make sure everything is smooth up here.”

I turned toward the aisle. “Alright. Thanks again for checking.”

Pierre and Markian exchanged a brief glance and then returned to their instruments. “Any time,” Pierre said.

I gave a small wave and stepped back, Hector falling in step beside me. The cabin felt calm again, the soft hum of the engines a steady presence.

As I sank into my seat, I exhaled slowly, letting the quiet fill the space around me. I pulled my book from my tote bag, trying to immerse myself in the pages, but my thoughts wandered. Six weeks had passed since I arrived in New Zealand, and the memories of that time—the intensity, the work, the highs and lows—floated quietly in my mind. I set the book aside and closed my eyes, thinking about Mike. During my wandering thoughts, I fell asleep, restless dreams only bringing fragments of Ronan.

Both Ronan and Mike were good men, and I cared for both. Mike gave me butterflies, and Ronan was comfortable. Mike and I were both middle class, and we knew the struggle of making ends meet when unexpected bills arrived. Ronan was upper class and from old money—I felt so out of place in his world and when we were out in public; we were surrounded by people that were in the upper echelon. I knew Mike would be there when the plane landed....I was glad that I texted him.

Suddenly, the plane hit turbulence, jolting me awake. I was thrown from my seat into the air. As I landed in the aisle, my face grazed a nearby arm rest. Vince was tossed around as well, his head and torso colliding with the seat in front of him. He jolted awake, groaning.

“Vince!” I called, steadying myself and checking that I had all my limbs. My heart was racing.

“I’m okay, I think. My head and chest hurts as I was thrown into the seat in front of me,” he said, rubbing his forehead. “You?”

“I’m probably bruised, but I’ll live,” I said, trying to steady my voice as I got up and got back to my seat.

We buckled back in, gripping the seat belts as the plane rocked for the next thirty minutes. Once the turbulence subsided, Emily and Hector appeared, concern etched on their faces.

“You two okay?” Emily asked, stepping up.

“We’re fine,” Vince said, flexing his shoulders. “Once we land, we’ll consider getting checked out at the local hospital.”

I nodded. “Emily, would you go with Vince? I have a friend meeting me at the tarmac.”

“Of course,” she said with a warm smile. “I’ll be happy to go with him.”

“And you two? How are you both?” I asked Hector.

“We’re fine,” he said, giving a small nod.

“I’m glad to hear that,” I said.

Once Emily and Hector left, I unbuckled and made my way to the cockpit. I entered the code I had seen Hector use earlier and stepped inside.

“Why didn’t you announce the turbulence?” I asked Pierre and Markian.

“We assumed you and Vince were buckled in,” Pierre said calmly. “Team policy is everyone stays seated and buckled unless they are walking around to prevent blood clots.”

I blinked. “Do you realize Vince and I aren’t members of the All Blacks?”

“We do,” Markian replied.

“So how were we supposed to know the policy?” I pressed.

“We assumed Charlie and the owners would have informed you,” Pierre said.

“No one told us and I haven't been on the plane since I arrived to New Zealand. Since we’re on the plane, you should’ve been the ones to tell us,” I said, my voice firm.

They both nodded quickly. “You’re right. Sorry.”

I left the cockpit, collected my belongings from the floor, and checked on Vince. “How’s your head?”

“My headache’s bad and my chest is mediocre, but I’m glad we’re getting checked out,” he said.

I glanced at my watch. “We’ll be landing in about twenty-five minutes. Let’s get ready and then buckle up.”

Vince nodded. We grabbed any remaining belongings that were strewn around te plan due to the turbulence and we secured ourselves. We held hands for a few minutes, silently grounding each other, until we realized Emily might get the wrong idea. I smiled at him. “Thanks for being here.”

He nodded, smiling back.

Twenty-eight minutes later, Markian announced we were ready to land and reminded everyone to buckle up. I turned to Vince, grinning. “Now he tells us! Ha ha ha!”

Vince chuckled. We landed without issue. As the plane pulled up, our bags were unloaded first. Vince and I grabbed our carry-ons, and he disembarked with Emily by his side. They shook hands with Hector but Vince ignored Pierre and Markian. I waited a few minutes before disembarking so I could give Emily and Vince some privacy. As I disembarked, I hugged Hector, thanking him for taking care of me, ignoring Pierre and Markian as well. They looked a bit embarrassed for their lack of communication. An email to Charlie would be sent in regards of this.

Mike was waiting at the tarmac, holding my luggage. I ran over and hugged him tightly.

“Vince told me about the turbulence. He asked me to get you to the hospital to be checked out,” Mike said.

“I’ll do that after customs and converting my money,” I replied. "It could take some time since I have some medications that I bought over there."

“You don’t make anything easy, do you?” he said with a grin.

“I don’t,” I admitted. “I tend to be rather difficult.”

“Clearly,” he said as he chuckled.

Once we pulled back from the hug, we collected my things, passed through customs, and converted my NZD to the currency of our home country. Mike helped me into his SUV as I was sore from being tossed from my seat during the turbulence. As he drove, I drifted to sleep.

He woke me when we arrived at the hospital and helped me inside. I checked in, remembering my insurance card, and was called back a few minutes later. Mike went to follow but I waved him off. “I got this.” He looked slightly annoyed but sat back down. He knew that I didn't like unnecessary hovering.

My vitals were taken, and the doctor examined me carefully as I explained what had happened. 

“Nothing seems broken, thankfully,” the doctor said. “You do have bruised ribs, a mild concussion, and a black eye forming. Both the concussion and the black eye are from hitting the armrest as you landed on the floor.”

“I think I might be pregnant,” I said. “There have been signs.”

“What are some of the symptoms that you’ve been experiencing?” the doctor asked.

“Heightened sex drive, my tits are super sensitive, I am more fatigued then usual and mild nausea,” I said. “My sex drive was so bad on the fifteen hour flight back home that I had sex with two of the four pilots....separately."

“Any protection like condoms?” he asked.

“Of course not,” I said. “They would’ve nutted hard enough to break the condoms.”

“Let’s get you tested as a precaution.”

“Sounds good.”

They ran a urinalysis and bloodwork, which confirmed the pregnancy.  A few extra vials of blood were taken to test for STIs. When the ultrasound revealed it was ectopic, I said, “Please terminate the pregnancy. There’s no chance of saving it anyways.”

The doctor nodded. “We’ll handle it quickly and carefully. You’ll be fine.”

A few minutes later, the abortion was done. After I got dressed, the doctor came back with a prescription for muscle relaxers and Ibuprofen 800 mg from the hospital's pharmacy. I thanked him after he told me that there were a refill on each. As I gathered my stuff and meds, I thanked the medical staff and walked back into the waiting room, where Mike was sitting.

“How bad is it?” he asked.

“Bruised ribs, mild concussion, and clearly the black eye,” I said.

He stood, grabbed my hand in his and we headed outside. He signaled the valet to bring the SUV around. “Let’s get you home.”

I nodded, and we climbed into the vehicle. I settled in, sore and exhausted, and fell asleep again. Mike woke me when we arrived at my house and helped me out.

“Thanks for being here,” I said softly.

“Always,” he replied, giving me a supportive squeeze of the shoulder.

Mike helped me get out of his SUV, careful with my body. He carried my bags inside while I fumbled with my house key. “Got it,” I said, letting him lead the way. Once the door closed behind us, we headed upstairs with my things.

Inside my house, I set the bags down. “Thanks for helping me get in,” I said, wincing slightly as I moved.

“You’re welcome. You sure you don’t need to sit first?” he asked.

“I’ll be fine,” I replied. I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the warm water wash away the tension and lingering soreness.

Mike’s voice called gently from the open door. “I was wondering if I could join you.”

“Yeah,” I said as I stuck my head outside of the curtain. “Better get your ass in here before all the hot water is gone.”

“Fair enough,” he said as he stripped then joined me

The water ran over me, and for the first time since landing back home, I was grateful that I was home and thankful that Mike was my neighbor.

As I rinsed the conditioner from my hair, Mike’s hands kept finding me. It felt good, his touch gentle and reassuring, but I wasn’t in the right mindset to have sex with Mike at the moment no matter how much I truly wanted to. Between officially ending things with Scott, dealing with Patrick and his death, the hurt of Vic always choosing his wife despite his unhappiness, and Ronan pushing for a relationship, my mind was too tangled and raw for sex, no matter the desire nor with who.

“Mike,” I moaned. “I can’t….”

“Tired?” he asked as he kissed me.

“That among other things,” I said. “After I get some sleep, I’ll fill you in, ok?”

“Ok, babe,” he said.

We finished our shower, dried off and I put on an over sized shirt. Mike kept his towel around his waist so he could run home to get dressed.

“Mind if I return the towel after you’ve slept?” he asked.

“You can stay and sleep over. We can wash your clothes in the morning,” I said sleepily. “Unless you have the kids.”

“You want me to sleep over?” he asked with a twinge of hope in his voice. “Marjory has the kids. It was supposed to be my couple of days but when I told her that I was coming to get you, she offered me to switch.”

“That was nice,” I said. “Do the kids know about the switch? Are they ok with it?”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “They do. At first, they were upset but once they knew it was for you, they were fine with it.”

“They don’t know me, Mike,” I said. "Will the court be ok with it?"

“They know that I like you but you weren’t the reason for Marjory and I divorcing,” he said. "I think so. We both submitted paperwork documenting the switch through our mediator."

“Glad that both they and I know,” I sighed. “I am so tired and ready for bed. What time is it?”

“Time here or time there?” he asked.

“Here,” I replied.

“It’s 4 pm….on a Sunday,” he said as he hugged me. I could feel his erection but didn’t have the energy nor the desire. "I know it was Sunday we left."

“Let me see if I have any sweats you can wear until I wash your clothes,” I said as I pulled away from him. I wanted to have heated and passionate sex Mike at least once more in our lifetime but with the jetlag, hunger, emotional exhaustion and running from Scott, Charlie, Vince, Ronan, Vic and Patrick’s ghost, I just couldn’t even consider it. “Want me to heat up food that Aqeel shipped to Vince in order to stock my fridge or should we place an order through Aditi?”

I left the bathroom and headed to my room before he could answer me. I opened up my one dresser and found some old – but cleaned! – clothes that belong to Vic but Mike’s close to182.88 cm tall and Vic is closer to my height and as a slightly bigger/muscular built. I went into my closet and found sweats that belonged to Matteo. Matteo and Mike were of a similar height but again, Mike has a skinnier build. These were the best bet. I brought the sweats into the bathroom where I left Mike.

“Here,” I said giving him Matteo’s sweats. “They might be a little bit big around the waist but at least they’re about the long length. Does the inseam count in sweats?”

“Who is Aditi?” Mike asked as he took the towel off and put on Matteo’s sweats. “No, inseam really doesn’t count for sweats. At least not for me.”

“Aditi is a dear friend of mine and owns an amazing restaurant,” I said. “Do you like Indian food?”

“If she is a friend of yours, I am sure I will like her!” he said. “I’ve never had Indian food before.”

I nodded, left the room, and grabbed my phone. Crap. It was my New Zealand phone. I fumbled for my phone that I use here in my home country, but it was dead. I set it on the charging pad and waited for a few minutes. Once it had enough of a charge, I dialed Aditi and put her on speaker.

“Hello?” Her voice sounded surprised.

“Hey, Aditi.”

“I thought you were still in New Zealand!”

“I was but I just got home about an hour ago. Everything I needed to handle there is done,” I said. “I was hoping to order some food from you.”

“Oh! Of course! What are you thinking?” she asked.

“Well,” I said, “my neighbor has never had Indian food before, so I thought a mix of everything. Whatever else you want to add—surprise us.”

Aditi laughed softly. “Just your usual but mix it up?”

“Something like that ha ha ha,” I said. “And could you call me when someone’s on the way? You may have to call twice. I might be asleep!”

“Will do,” she replied. “Sleep tight, and I’ll let you know when the delivery’s heading your way.”

“Thanks, Aditi. I really appreciate it,” I said. “Thank you!”

“You’re very welcome, my dear,” she said. “And welcome home.”

We hung up. I turned to Mike and said: “There’s no point in you using the guest room for a nap. You can join me in my bed. No sex or any other hanky-panky!”

“I appreciate it,” he said. “I promise to behave myself.”

I gave him half a smile as we climbed into my bed

Within minutes, we were both out cold. The exhaustion from travel and everything that had happened caught up to me and his switching things around with his estranged wife with the kids. The room was still, save for our quiet breathing, and it felt like the world had paused around us.

An hour later, I was startled awake by Aditi calling my name. “Deppgrl? Are you up?”

I blinked against the sunlight filtering through the curtains. “I’ll be down in a minute, Aditi,” I called back, my voice still groggy.

I slipped out of bed, ran to the bathroom to quickly rinse my mouth with mouthwash as I didn’t have time to brush properly. Once I felt slightly more awake, I ran downstairs to greet her.

Aditi smiled warmly, her eyes lighting up. “There you are! I was starting to wonder if you’d want to sleep through the rest of the day.”

I laughed softly. “I really needed it. It was a long flight and a bit of turbulence…I was out cold.”

“Well, it’s good to see you up and moving, friend,” Aditi said. “Let’s get this all of this unpacked.”

We worked in silence while Mike was still asleep. I knew that she was looking at my black eye and wanted to ask me questions but she knew that I needed a few days to adjust before grilling me about my eye. Once I had the kitchen counter peninsula set up with plates, bowls, utensils and glasses, I asked Aditi how much I owed her.

"It's not about the money, friend," she sighed as she hugged me. "I just want the story of why your job was so short and what caused that black eye. It better not have been anyone."

"I'll tell you tomorrow, my friend. And no, no one laid a finger on me," I sighed and sank into her hug. "I need to eat some amazing food and get some sleep."

"You got it," she said as we released each other from the hug. "Be careful with that skinny neighbor of yours. He's in love with you but you are hurting right now."

The flight unfolds

A few hours into the flight, I woke still tucked in Vince’s arms. He was sound asleep, head tilted slightly toward me, mouth parted as loud snores escaped him. I stifled a laugh, gently easing out from under his arm. He mumbled something in his sleep — it sounded like my name — then shifted, pulling the blanket tighter around himself.

“Still snoring like a freight train,” I whispered with a grin, shaking my head.

The cabin lights were dim, the quiet hum of the engines filling the space. I grabbed my tote bag from the seat in front of me, rummaging quietly until I found my toothbrush and toothpaste. With both in hand, I padded down the narrow aisle toward the coaches’ bathroom — larger than the one for the players, built to accommodate a shower, with enough space to actually move without bumping an elbow on every wall.

Inside, I flicked on the soft overhead light and looked at my reflection. My face was a little pale, eyes tired but more hollow than they once were. Six weeks ago, when I’d first arrived in New Zealand, the reflection staring back at me had been someone lost, restless, barely holding herself together. Now, I didn’t look like that woman anymore. I looked frail and had lost a ton of weight… thanks to Patrick. Not to disrespect the dead, but no respect to Patrick.

I brushed my teeth slowly, the familiar rhythm helping me wake up. When I was done, I rinsed my mouth and splashed cool water on my face before shutting off the tap.

As I stepped back into the quiet cabin, Emily looked up from where she was organizing supplies in the galley. She smiled warmly.

“Couldn’t sleep?” she asked.

I shook my head, returning the smile. “I can’t sleep long on planes. My body doesn’t know what time it is anymore.”

“That makes two of us,” she chuckled softly. “I work part-time as a flight attendant for a commercial airline when I’m not needed with the All Blacks. I swear, I haven’t slept through a long-haul flight in five years.”

That earned a laugh from me. “That explains why you look more awake than the rest of us.”

“Don’t let the makeup fool you,” she teased. “It’s all smoke and mirrors.”

“Any chance I can grab a cup of coffee?” I asked. “Instant’s fine.”

Emily shook her head immediately, mock offense in her voice. “Instant? Not on my watch. You deserve the good stuff — freshly brewed.”

I lifted an eyebrow. “You’re spoiling me.”

“After all the negative shit you’ve had in New Zealand, I’d call it necessary.” She moved with practiced ease, filling the small French press with hot water and grounds, the scent of roasted beans slowly filling the galley. “Light and sweet, right?”

I smiled. “You remember.”

“Of course I do.” She handed me the steaming mug a few minutes later, the aroma wrapping around me like comfort itself. “There you go — caffeine therapy, coach’s edition.”

I took a slow sip, savoring the warmth and the perfect balance of cream and sugar. “That’s exactly what I needed. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she said softly, leaning against the counter. “You doing all right? Charle briefly told me about Patrick.”

I hesitated for a beat, watching the soft steam curl above the cup. “Getting there. It’s strange, though. Leaving like that. Everything I built over those six weeks—it feels like a lifetime.”

Emily nodded. “I get that. But you left a mark, you know? People don’t forget that kind of impact.”

Her words sank in quietly. I looked out the small porthole window near the galley, where streaks of pale pink and amber were beginning to color the edge of the clouds. “It’s beautiful,” I murmured. “A reminder that endings aren’t always dark.”

Emily followed my gaze, smiling faintly. “That’s a good way to see it.”

We stood in silence for a few moments, the sky brightening by degrees. I finished my coffee and handed her the empty mug. “Thanks again, Emily.”

“Anytime. You want another cup?”

“Sure, that’d be great,” I said.

She got to working and made my second cup of coffee.

“Now go wake your co-pilot before he starts drooling in his sleep.”

I laughed under my breath. “He already started.”

Walking back down the aisle, I found Vince still in the same position, mouth open slightly, blissfully unaware of anything. I brushed a hand through his hair and whispered, “Hey, sleepyhead.”

He stirred, eyes blinking open. “Mmm… coffee?”

I grinned. “This one’s mine. You know that I don’t share my coffee. There’s more up in the galley but you have to fight Emily for the rest.”

He yawned, smiling drowsily. “You’re a pain my ass.”

“Always,” I teased, settling back into my seat beside him. “Go brush your teeth then get your coffee, darling.”

“I’m darling now, huh?” he teased me. “I’ve missed that.”

“Don’t get used to it, old man,” I laughed.

Vince ruffled through his carry-on bag to get his toothpaste and toothbrush then headed to brush his teeth. On his way out of the bathroom, he dropped his things off in his bag, then went to Emily in the galley. They laughed and joked. Emily rested her hand on Vince’s chest after he said something. I couldn’t see his face, but his ears turned red, and Emily looked a little embarrassed as she removed her hand and glanced at me briefly. Vince walked back to me.

“What was that with Emily?” I asked innocently. “Did you turn her down?”

“She was flirting with me,” he sighed. “I told her that I was hung up on someone else… she knew it was you.”

“Dude, she’s an incredible woman. Just because we’re still hung up on other doesn’t mean we can’t go out for dinner or coffee or whatever with other people, Vince,” I said as I got up. “I called you to get me for a reason — because I trusted you to do so. I didn’t ask you to be an asshole to an incredible woman who’s just trying to find company whenever she flies to our closest airport.”

I headed back to the galley to find Emily crying. I didn’t have any tissues on me, but grabbed a napkin from the dispenser near her head. “He can be rather abrupt,” I said. “I’m sorry he was such an ass.”

“He was rather polite,” Emily said softly.

“That is a bit of a surprise as he can be rather abrasive,” I replied, giving her a small smile. “I gave him shit. In a few minutes, he’ll be crawling back here to apologize.”

“Thanks, Deppgrl. You’re a real woman’s woman,” she said. “How did you two meet?”

“Can you handle a weird kinda but not kinda not complicated awkward story?” I asked with a grin.

“Sure,” she said, chuckling. “I live for these stories. It’s part of why I work commercial when not needed for the team.”

“Before I start, I want to state that nothing happened until after I turned of legal age,” I began. “I was starting high school and, of course, not being familiar with the layout of the school… I got lost. I’m rather directionally impaired — to the point where if you tell me to head north, I’ll go south by southeast. Anyway, I was heading to the music department wing but went down the wrong hallway. I see this attractive teacher and, distracted by his looks and talking to my new classmate on the way to class, I tripped and started to fall — but Vince caught me before I fully hit the floor. I thanked him, and my classmate and I found the actual classroom we were supposed to be in. For three of my four years of high school, I was in the choir, and my senior year I was part of the marching band — as color guard.”

“What happened after you graduated?” she asked.

“Well, nothing much for about two or three years,” I said. “A friend I graduated with invited me to a football game — not what you call football; we call that soccer. This game’s a big deal because it’s the end of the season, the rivalry match between our sister school and our own. The winner gets bragging rights until next year. Of course, Vince was there — still the band director. As I was looking for my friend, Vince’s and my eyes locked. Before either one of us could greet the other, my friend showed up. We watched the game and left, promising to go again the next year.”

“What happened next?”

“The following year, a different friend of mine and I ended up going to that same game — my friend from the previous year had to work last minute,” I said. “As my friend and I were talking while waiting for the game to start, Vince texted me, asking me to meet him during halftime. Long story short, I did — and he said he tracked down my older brother to get my number. Then he asked if I wanted to head to his house after the game. I said sure — and that I knew he lived near me.”

“Oh?”

“In high school, my bus went through his development, and I saw him hop in his car,” I continued. “That night started a very long on-and-off relationship. He wanted to marry — and I did and didn’t, but he didn’t know why until my ex-husband, Xavier, walked back into my life. Even after the divorce, I still have no desire to marry. After knowing Vince for twenty-eight years and being involved with him for about fifteen, he’s a far better friend for me than a partner.”

“Oh,” she said dejectedly.

“I’m not saying he’s a bad partner,” I added quickly. “Vince is a generous man — with his time, patience, gift-giving, his love, and his skills in the bedroom. He’s also full of kindness. Any woman he dates will be spoiled.”

“Can you go put in a good word for me?” she said, half-joking.

“I did — in not so many words,” I said with a small smirk. “Oh, look who’s coming this way. I’ll be back in a bit for the tea.”

She laughed as I headed back to my seat. I grabbed a book from my tote bag and began to read. As I heard Vince’s and Emily’s voices and laughter behind me, I fell asleep.

Two hours later, I woke up and looked outside. The sun had fully risen now, streaking the clouds with gold. Vince leaned his head lightly against mine, drifting back toward sleep as I watched the sky stretch endlessly ahead. I woke him immediately.

“How did it go?” I asked.

“Great,” he said. “Once I get you home and situated, Emily and I are going to spend time together. Probably dinner.”

“I want to hear about everything afterwards — even if it’s the morning,” I said as I got up.

I walked back to the galley. Emily was cleaning up, but when she saw me, she set everything down and smiled.

“Hey,” she said, voice softer now. “So… we’re having dinner.”

“I heard,” I replied with a grin.

Her smile faltered a little. “Are you really okay with that?”

Instead of answering right away, I stepped closer. “Yeah, I am. But I’ll be honest — I’m a little jealous.”

She blinked, uncertain. “Jealous?”

“Not in a possessive way,” I said. “Vince has been a part of my life for almost three decades. We’ve been through hell, and through all of it, he stayed. So yeah — it’s strange to see that shifting toward someone else. But that’s not bitterness. It’s nostalgia. I want him happy, Emily. Truly. He deserves that. He deserves someone who looks at him the way he looks at you when you’re not paying attention.”

She smiled shyly, eyes shimmering a little. “He does look at me like that.”

“Good,” I said softly. “That’s what I want. He’s spent so much of his life taking care of me. It’s time someone took care of him.”

Her eyes filled with tears as she stepped forward and hugged me — tight, heartfelt.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “For being so cool about this.”

I laughed lightly. “Cool might be pushing it. But I’m trying. Life’s too short to hold on too tight.”

She pulled back, brushing her eyes. “You’re kind of incredible, you know?”

I smiled. “No. Just tired. But maybe tired helps you see things clearer.”

She chuckled.

I nodded in thanks, turning back down the aisle. Vince was asleep again, and I slipped back into my seat.

I pulled my book from my tote bag, flipped it open, and tried to read. But my eyes skimmed the same paragraph again and again. None of the words stuck. The jealousy wasn’t sharp — it was just there, lingering under my ribs. I wasn’t angry, only wistful.

I set the book down and stared out the window instead. The sunlight glowed across the clouds, endless and warm, while Vince shifted beside me, sighing softly in his sleep.

I sighed and reached for my phone, officially becoming every pilot’s worst nightmare. Unlocking it quietly, I scrolled to Mike’s name and sent him a message:

Hey, can you pick me up from the airport in a bit?

A minute later, he replied. Yeah, of course. What time, and where am I meeting you?

I typed back: Park by international flights and ask someone at the nearest ticket counter for “Maddox Mannox.”

A moment passed before his next message came through. What the hell is a Maddox Mannox?

I smiled faintly. Maddox is a contact of mine at the airport. I’ll text him and tell him you’re picking me up. He’ll validate your parking and bring you to the door leading to the tarmac where the plane will be.

Got it. What time?

Three to four hours, I sent back. You’ll see me on the tarmac.

Okay, he replied. Looking forward to seeing you, D.

I locked the phone and tucked it into the seat pocket, leaning my head back. Outside, the sun blazed bright across the horizon, and for the first time in a long while, I felt ready to be home.

The final whistle: until the dust settles

I woke a few hours later, showered, got dressed, and headed for the arena. On the way, I stopped by the café that Ronan owns for my usual coffee. Fergal and the rest of the staff greeted me warmly as I walked in, but Fergal already had my order waiting—along with an extra cup for later. I couldn’t have been more grateful. A new hire, still learning the ropes, rang me up, and I gladly paid. After slipping my card back into my wallet, I grabbed both coffees and continued toward the arena.

Halfway there, Ronan caught up to me.

“How come you left in a rush last night?” he asked, slightly out of breath.

I glanced over my shoulder and smiled faintly. “I can’t do this, Ronan.”

He frowned, eyes flicking to the two cups in my hands. “What do you mean?”

“I started my life here fifteen years ago as an assistant to the assistant, met Scott, not knowing he was married. Then came Charlie—we burned hot and fast. Patrick showed up after that, and no matter where I went, he followed me. For years. When I came back here, everything fell apart again. Scott and I struggled, Patrick came back with a vengeance, and then he... he killed himself in a high-security psych ward. And now the man I love—the one I actually care about—is married, and I knew it from the start. I knew his visit was the last time I’d ever see him. And then you—you barged back into my life, Ro.”

“Look, Deppgrl,” Ronan said quietly. “I love you. I’ve loved you for fifteen years. I’m not trying to fix you or make you rush into something you’re not ready for.”

“I’m leaving in a week,” I said softly. “It’s official as of last night.”

“You’re not leaving that soon without telling the owners,” he protested.

“I emailed them late last night,” I replied. “Barb and Charlie both tried to talk me out of it, but nothing they said changed my mind. Most of my things are already shipped to a friend’s place—they’ll move them into my house.”

His jaw tightened. “You can’t leave, D.”

“I have to,” I said quietly. “Patrick destroyed all of the good times I’ve had here. I’m leaving on Sunday. I have to wrap up everything here—including closing out my bank accounts that I’ve held for fifteen years—but I need to leave.”

“Am I able to visit you?” he asked hopefully.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Give me some time after I get home.”

He nodded. When we got to the arena, he hugged me tightly and then stepped back, letting me go on my way.

As I reached the turf, the Jasons took one look at me and knew something was wrong. Holland came up first. “We heard the owners were in a kerfuffle. Something about Scott coming back?”

Ryan added, “And we heard that you’re leaving.”

I sighed. “Scott’s coming back the day after I leave, and I won’t be returning for a long time. Patrick ruined almost everything here for me. You can’t tell anyone. I’m leaving in a week.”

They looked shocked. “Where did you hear the gossip?” I asked.

“We were passing the owners’ office and didn’t notice the door was ajar,” Holland admitted. “Once we heard your name and Scott’s name. We weren’t sure what to do or think as we were a bit shocked but we put it together.”

I nodded. “Not a word. I’ll tell the coaches tomorrow morning and email all the players before the plane takes off. I’ll say there was an emergency at home. I know you all learned so much from each other and your mental health team—they’ll stay with you a few more months—but I won’t have access to session notes or anything about the All Blacks once I step foot on the tarmac.”

They nodded, then both promised they wouldn’t say anything. Holland smirked. “Does this have anything to do with the very sexy Dr. Hayes?”

I couldn’t hide my expression. “He was a small part of it, but Patrick was the main cause. Once the dust settles, both of you and your families can visit anytime.”

They nodded enthusiastically. “We’d love that,” Ryan said.

“Now,” I said, smiling faintly, “we need to act normal—like we’re having a good chuckle—so no one gets tipped off.” They agreed, and the three of us headed to the turf.

The rest of the week passed in a flurry of drills, trust circles, and team outings. Players shared phobias, fears about the future, and personal stories. We went for coffee, dinners, and other team activities that had nothing to do with rugby. We laughed, joked, and created moments that were precious and fleeting. By the morning of my last day, I had left the condo early after a night spent packing, nerves taut and heart heavy. Vince had arrived during the night without my knowing as I had expected him after he stored most of my belongings at my house earlier in the week. When I reached the arena two hours ahead of schedule, I carefully placed the remaining items in Scott’s private office and left the condo key under Charlie’s door. Then I went to the turf.

Vince was there with the coaches and owners. He met me halfway. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get to New Zealand sooner,” he said. “Timing was rough with Matteo, cleaning houses, and planning with the coaches and owners.”

I looked at Charlie, who shook his head: the coaches hadn’t been told. “Do the coaches know this is my last practice?” I asked Vince.

“No,” he admitted. “We planned a fun day instead.” I took his hand, feeling the warmth and reassurance, and we walked toward the coaches.

Gathered around, I addressed everyone. “I know rumors are buzzing, but I need to explain. Today is my last practice with the All Blacks for a long time—not because of you or the players, but because of my former stalker, Patrick, who committed suicide while on a suicide watch in a secure wing of a psych ward of a high security of a prison. He tarnished almost everything I held dear from here. I need time to heal, seek therapy, and take care of myself. I hope to return one day, but I need this time.” I sniffled, blinking back tears. “Once the dust settles, you and your families can visit me.”

Tears came, and each coach hugged me, some whispering words of comfort. The owners followed, encircling me in quiet support. Once the last hug was given, I assured them the players would be informed just before my plane took off.

Minutes later, the players joined us on the turf, their excitement infectious. They had no idea it was my last day with them for at least a year. “We need breakfast first!” one shouted, leading us to Aqeel’s food truck, Global Grub. I laughed. “Nothing makes a better breakfast than smoked meats!” Laughter followed, filling the morning air. The coaches, players, Vince, and I climbed onto the busses, heading to Scott’s neighborhood where Aqeel’s food truck is licensed to be. Aqeel and his staff plus his food truck colleagues and their staff had prepared a massive, eclectic breakfast. I had a half tray to myself: two pulled pork sandwiches, mac & cheese, and smoked beef. The players each took double portions from every offering. We laughed until we cried, we cried until we laughed and ate until full. When I got up to clear my area, the players took their cue from me. They cleaned up after themselves, found cleaning supplies to clean the picnic tables that the community set up and folded chairs.

I wandered over to Aqeel. “How much do I owe you, your team and everyone else?”

He smiled softly. “Vince covered it—and overpaid. We already sent some food to your freezer back home. If you need more, call me, and I’ll fly over to cook.”

“I’ll miss you and your food so much,” I said, hugging him tightly. “Goodbye, my dear friend. Thank you for everything!”

He hugged back, firm and warm. “It’s ‘bye for now.’ We’ll see you again.”

We loaded the busses again and went cosmic bowling. Hours passed as we worked off breakfast, laughing, joking, and competing. When it was time to leave, I returned my shoes to the counter. “How much do we owe?” I asked.

“Charlie had already paid,” he said.

 The owner, a devoted All Blacks fan, handed me collectible playing cards of myself with stats printed on them. I signed five – one of them was personalized just for him. The remaining fourteen would be sold and the signed ones would be sold at a higher price. Before I could ask about the proceeds, he said that all proceeds would be sent to Vince through a banking app and Vince would then give me the money. I nodded then left.

Back at the arena, a catered lunch awaited from a favorite restaurant of the players. Traditional Māori foods and local favorites were laid out. Some teased, “Coach Deppgrl has the palate of a six-year-old!” and we all laughed. Scott arrived, escorted by Charlie. I approached them, Charlie giving me a small, supportive nod. “Scott wanted to thank you and say goodbye in person,” Charlie explained.

I nodded, and Scott stepped forward. “I know this could have been handled by email or text, but it felt right to do it in person.” I acknowledged him with a polite nod, then returned to the turf, resolute. The Jasons looked worried. I blew the whistle, commanding attention. The players, coaches, and owners crowded around, murmuring and asking questions.

“Coach, is everything okay?” Amiri asked, worry in his eyes.

I took a deep breath. “Today is my last day with the All Blacks, at least for the foreseeable future. This isn’t about any of you or the team. It’s about personal reasons.”

“Personal reasons?” Amiri echoed, concerned.

“Yes,” I said softly. “I’ve been dealing with a stalker for years—Patrick. Recently, he took his own life while under watch in a secure facility. The impact on my life, on my heart, on the good experiences I had here, has been devastating. I need to step back, heal, and take care of myself.”

The players murmured among themselves, glancing at one another.

“I want you to know,” I continued, “that I love each of you and respect everything you’ve accomplished. You’ve worked so hard, taught me the meaning of the haka, taught me your sport and shown me the depths of your culture. Vince will take me home, and when things settle, you and your partners are welcome to visit me.”

“Do you know when you’ll be back?” Ryan asked quietly.

I shook my head. “Honestly, I don’t know. It could be a long time. I need the space to heal. Please pray to your gods and deities that I recover and can return someday.”

Several players stepped forward, hugging me, whispering words of comfort.

“Thank you, Coach. We’ll wait for you,” Amiri said softly.

“Take care of yourself,” another player added.

The coaches and owners joined in the hugs. Charlie, Barb, and the others offered quiet words of support. Scott stepped forward, and I extended my hand.

“Good luck,” he said simply.

I shook his hand. “I hope you continue the mental health work we started,” I replied.

“I will,” he nodded.

Vince and I stepped aside, and I turned to look at the team one last time, their faces a mix of sorrow and understanding. I knew the tears I had held back would come on the plane. “Don’t forget that you all make an impact on those around you and you made me a better person,” I said. “I love each and everyone of you guys. Thank you for everything!”

Vince had my luggage in Cathal’s car just outside security. I handed in my badge, placed all keys in an envelope for Charlie, and hugged Margeaux.

“Thank you for everything,” I said.

“Thank you for all the food that you shared with us, Coach….sorry, Deppgrl,” she said. “We don’t often get that.”

“You guys bust your butts day in and day out for all of us, keeping each of us safe every time we step foot on the grounds,” I said. “It was the least I could do. When I land, I’ll reach out to the owners to see if they can get you guys a bigger space and better pay.”

“Thank you, friend,” she said.

“Take care of yourself, Margeaux,” I said.

She smiled. “It was a pleasure. Take care.”

Vince and I got into the back seat of Cathal’s car and he drove us to the nearby airport. Charlie and the owners had arranged for me to use the team plane, as I was technically still a coach until I landed at the airport back home. On the tarmac, I hugged Cathal.

“Thanks for everything. Please send my thanks to your husband.”

He looked at me oddly. “I’ll tell Cosmos.”

“I know you’re married. After working for several governments, you pick up a few things,” I said with a small smile.

He nodded, smiling back. I leaned into the hug, tears pricking my eyes. Vince helped bring my things onto the plane, and Cathal promised he’d personally fly over with anything I might have left behind. I nodded silently and boarded.

Emily and Hector greeted me inside, happy to see me but saddened by my departure.

“We’re so sorry that you’re leaving us so soon after you arrived,” Emily stated as she hugged me.

“This is best for my health right now,” I told them softly. “I hope to return someday soon and watch a match as an observer rather than a coach.”

Emily asked, “Do you want anything before we take off?”

“Just water once we’re in the air,” I said. “Are Pierre and Markian starting and ending the flight?”

“They are,” Hector said as he hugged me. “Our other pilots are as good as they are.”

“They are,” I confirmed. “The hand-off on my way here was seamless.”

Within half an hour, the plane lifted off, and I finally let myself relax. Pierre and Markian turned off the seatbelt light. I kicked off my sandals, grabbed my blanket and leaned against Vince. He wrapped his arms around me, kissed me on the top of my head and I fell asleep.

 

The weight of leaving

Once the dishes were loaded into the dishwasher, Ronan and I moved to the couch. The soft hum of the machine filled the quiet between us as we sat down. For a while, we just existed in the same space — him leaning back, me tucking my legs beneath me, both of us letting the weight of the day settle.

He was the first to speak. “It’s strange,” he said, glancing toward the kitchen. “Feels like the first real evening I’ve had in months. Just quiet.”

I gave a small nod. “Quiet is good sometimes.”

He smiled faintly. “Yeah. I used to hate it. Now I find myself chasing it.”

I could relate. Silence wasn’t empty anymore — it was earned.

He looked over at me again. “You’ve been through a lot since you came back,” he said gently. “I hear bits and pieces but I only truly know what’s been going on with you medically.”

“I know,” I said. “It’s just easier not to talk about it.”

“I get that,” he said. “Still, I like hearing things from you — not from team whispers or the hospital staff.”

I gave him a look. “You’ve got sources?”

He chuckled softly. “You forget, people talk to their doctors. I don’t pry, but sometimes I hear things.”

“That sounds about right,” I said, half smiling “Everyone always has something to say.”

He took a breath, then said, “Since we’re catching up… I should tell you something.”

I turned toward him slightly, curious. “Okay.”

He hesitated for a second, then met my eyes. “I’ve dated a few people since you left the last time you were here years ago. Nothing serious, but there was one woman — a long time ago — that I almost married.”

I blinked. “Almost?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I proposed and she said yes. Then, a few months later, she broke it off. She said she realized I was in love with someone else.”

“Someone else?” I asked, though I already suspected where this was going.

He nodded. “You.”

I sat back, letting that sink in. “She never even met me.”

“She didn’t have to,” he said. “I talked about you more than I should’ve. She picked up on it before I did.”

My throat tightened slightly. “What happened between you?”

“She moved on,” he said. “Married my best friend five or six years later. They’re happy now and they’ve got two kids. No hard feelings between us. Just a strange piece of history.”

“That sounds a little complicated,” I said.

He gave a small laugh. “Not really too complicated.”

“True,” I said softly.

The silence that followed wasn’t awkward — not at first. But the longer it stretched, the heavier it felt. I could feel his eyes on me, searching for something I wasn’t sure I could give him.

Finally, I nodded once, as if agreeing with something only I could hear. Then I dropped a bombshell on him — the truth I’d been holding back.

“When I’m done with the team,” I said evenly, “I’ll be leaving New Zealand and I won’t be returning any time soon.”

Ronan’s face froze for a second, surprise flashing first, then disbelief. “Wait… what?”

“I’m leaving,” I said quietly. “For a very long time.”

He leaned forward, elbows braced on his knees. “Why? You’ve been settling back in — you’ve built something again. Why throw that away now?”

“Because staying here means reopening too many old doors,” I said. “And not all of them should’ve been opened in the first place.”

His expression shifted, cautious now. “You mean Scott?”

A humorless chuckle escaped me. “Among others.”

He didn’t speak — just waited. Ronan had always been good at silence, at giving space for truth to crawl out on its own.

“You’ve heard the rumors,” I said finally.

He hesitated, then nodded slowly. “I did. But I didn’t believe them.”

“It started on a night out a few days before I actually met any of the players and coaches,” I said. “Scott and I met at a karaoke night…he was singing and playing the bongos poorly but as I moved in the crowd to get closer to take a better look at him. I recognized him even though I couldn’t remember where. That next two nights, we fucked hard and nonstop, having fun. When I met the team the morning after the second night – the morning that I was scheduled to meet the team, coaches and the owners, that’s when I realized why I recognized him….I had looked him up before agreeing to come here to help him and the team.”

“Did you know that he was married?”

“Not at first as he doesn’t often wear his wedding band.”

“How did you find out?”

“Jane walked in on us. After that, she started drinking and started cheating on him for him cheating on her.”

Ronan’s jaw tightened, but his tone stayed even. “And Charlie?”

“That was different,” I said, staring down at my hands. “That was heat and loneliness for both of us. We worked side by side, night after night, both of us running on fumes. It burned fast and hard, then it was over. We fucked harder and longer than Scott and I did. Dude is impressive to say the least. He’s married now and has his own life, as you know. I don’t blame him for that.”

He looked at me for a long moment, then said quietly, “You could’ve told me.”

“You didn’t need to carry it,” I said. “And honestly? I didn’t need to say it. He and I knew it was just a fling.”

He leaned back slowly, the muscle in his jaw flickering. “So that’s it then? You’re leaving because of a few ghosts?”

“Not a few,” I said, meeting his gaze. “One in particular.”

His expression softened, curiosity edging into concern. “Who?”

“Patrick.”

His brow furrowed. “Patrick?”

“My stalker,” I said simply. The word hung heavy between us.

His face hardened instantly. “You mean the one who—”

“Yeah,” I cut in quietly. “The one who followed me for years. Who showed up at places I didn’t even know I’d be and hurt people just to get my attention. When I came back to New Zealand the second time, I thought he was gone but he found me here again. And when he did, things didn’t go well.”

Ronan sat still for a moment, absorbing that. “Is he still—”

“Dead,” I said bluntly. “He committed suicide at in a psych ward in a high security prison about a week or so ago.”

He exhaled slowly. “You’ve been carrying all of that alone?”

I shrugged. “It’s what I do best.”

He leaned forward, his tone soft but steady. “You shouldn’t have had to.”

“I know.”

The dishwasher hummed faintly in the background, the sound weirdly grounding.

“So that’s your plan?” he asked after a long silence. “You’ll finish with the team, pack up, and vanish?”

“That’s the plan,” I said.

He sat back, shaking his head slowly. “You really are something else, you know that?”

“Something good or bad?” I asked, trying to smile.

He gave a half-laugh. “Something unstoppable. Even when you’re running away.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe I just know when to walk away before I break something else.”

He looked at me for a long time after that, his expression unreadable. Then he reached out, his hand brushing mine — brief, deliberate.

“You deserve peace, Deppgrl,” he said quietly. “But I’d be lying if I said I wanted you to find it somewhere else.”

I met his eyes. “I know.”

He nodded once, a silent truce between us. The hum of the dishwasher grew louder, filling the room as the last of the daylight faded through the window. He leaned over to kiss me. I let him kiss me, I pulled him closer and I deepened the kiss. After a few minutes, I pulled away.

“Ronan, I am so sorry. I can’t do this,” I said. “I’ll see you soon.”

I gathered my things and left. A few minutes later, I arrived back at the condo.

Later that night, I drafted the email I promised myself I’d send:

To: Charlie, Barb, Owners
Subject: Notice of Resignation

Dear Charlie, Barb, and owners,

Effective immediately, my last day of work with the All Blacks will be in one week. I promise I will not say anything to anyone about my departure, and Scott will be able to return to work the day after I leave.

After I leave please the players and the coaches to that I loved working with them and enjoyed getting to know them. They taught me so much, and I will never forget them.

Thank you all for your trust, support, and understanding.

Sincerely,
Deppgrl Smith

Almost immediately, my phone buzzed. Barb called first.

“Deppgrl,” she said, voice urgent. “I just read your email. Are you serious? You’re leaving in a week?”

“I am,” I said evenly. “It’s necessary.”

“You can’t leave! Not like this. The team, the coaches… all of us.”

“I’ve structured everything. Scott returns the day after I leave. The players and coaches are covered. I can’t stay, Barb.”

She sighed. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I know,” I said. “But I need to leave. I have to.”

“I understand,” Barb said. “Do you need help getting a flight?”

“No, but thanks,” I said.

“Thank you for everything,” Barb.

“Bye, Barb,” I said.

We hung up and seconds later, Charlie called me.

“Deppgrl,” he said, tight voice. “I just saw your email. Can we talk?”

“Yes but I won’t change my mind,” I said firmly.

“I don’t understand. You’ve built so much, you’ve done everything—why leave?”

“Because my life outside this team needs me,” I said. “The past I’ve been balancing… Scott, Charlie, Vic, Patrick and now Ronan. I can’t keep doing it.”

He exhaled. “I wish you weren’t so stubborn.”

“This isn’t me being stubborn,” I said. “This is more peace of mind. I can’t stay here with my past with you and Scott. Ronan is now interested in me but I can’t stay.”

That night I started packing and shipping medications back to Vince, along with most of my personal items. Suitcases, tote bag, laptop, files—all organized. Ronan called repeatedly, each time going straight to voicemail. Not tonight.

The condo smelled faintly of cleaning spray and packing tape. I touched each box, feeling the weight of the week ahead, but clarity came with it. Tonight, I focused on finishing: one box, one shipment, one step closer to leaving.

I decided to call Vince to let him know that I was heading home, I am shipping some of my stuff and my meds to his place and that I wanted him to pick me up from the airport when I land. I didn’t know what time it was back home and I didn't care.

“’Llo?” Vince said as he answered the phone.

“Hey,” I said. “I am heading home in a week. Look for some of my luggage and my meds in a day or so.”

“Honey, what happened?” Vince asked. “My day or so or your day or so?”

“Scott, Vic, Ronan and Patrick,” I said. “I don’t know. I haven’t shipped anything out yet but there is a 24 hour place next door that ships stuff. I am swinging by there when we get off the phone. I’ll get a tracking number for you and give it to you.”

“Once I get the tracking information and get your stuff, I am booking the next flight and bring you home myself,” Vince said. “When is your last day?”

“You don’t have to come get me, Vin,” I sighed. “One week from today….well once week plus one day for you.”

“I am coming for you once I get and store your stuff, babe,” Vinc said.

“Thank you,” I said. “I’ll get you that tracking information as soon as I can, ok?”

“Ok, Deppgrl,” Vince said.

When we got off the phone, I put my ass in gear to pack all the stuff I didn’t need. I packed four of my suitcases and most of my meds then hauled them next door. The employee didn’t even bat an eye when I said that I was shipping so much stuff back home to Vince. I asked how much it was going to be. When the employee looked up at me, he realized who I was and said that the shipping costs would be free. I said that in a week that I’ll no longer be the coach and that I was heading home. I was still told that it would be free as it would cost $25,000 NZD to ship everything home including the insurance. I was dumbfounded with the cost but realized that it was mostly the insurance fees that jacked the price up. I thanked the employee. Once he hit a few buttons, he gave me the receipt. I thanked him.

I got back to my place, took a picture of the tracking information to Vince. He thanked me and said that he’d let me know when he got my stuff and put everything back in my house. I thanked him and went to bed.