I don't understand my appeal to men and high school drama

Throughout both elementary and middle school, the boys weren't interested in me because I was a tomboy; I played sports with them at recess and kept up, I wasn't afraid to get muddy/dirty, I got into fights with them and as I got older, they became a little bit intimidated by me because I used to horseback ride; I was in control of a 1,200 pound animal, I helped bring the horses in and out of pasture, I hefted 80 pound hay bales and 50 pound bags of grain....By 8th grade, I had more muscles than the strongest boy in my class AND I was one of the captains of the cheerleading squad. 

By freshman year, I was still a bit of a "freak" because I had a job, still owned and rode my horse, still helped around the barn, I was cheerleading and it didn't help that my brother - yes THAT brother....the brother that I used to work for......that brother who is a pain in my ass.....that brother who is my favorite sibling - told his friends to NOT date me and NOT to sleep with me (remember how that worked out???). Not like I had much of a social life freshman year anyways! I was up by 6, at school by 7, took the bus to work until 6, came home, changed, ate, rode my horse, did chores at the barn, came home showered, did homework and was in bed by midnight. But I did start dating JS my freshman year. I have no idea how since the weekends I was at both work and the barn. 

Thankfully, by sophomore year, I stopped cheerleading; the girls were a bunch of cunts. That gave me more time to spend with my horse, chores at the barn, homework and work; including picking up shifts of coworkers. I had a bit more time to spend with JS - even with his schedule of football and wrestling. During my sophomore year, more guys in school were becoming more interested in me though I was quite oblivious to it; I guess you could say that I knew more what was going on in the world by watching the news than having my head in clouds in high school. 

By my junior year, JS and I had broken up since I was still in HS and he had graduated; my head was still in the clouds and oblivious which guy liked me and didn't like me. I had guy friends; they'd have the scoop and tell me and I would just brush it off....I'd say shit like: "I'm just ordinary me; I'm here all day, I work, I own/take care of a horse, do barn chores, homework....typical teen shit. I'm nothing special....well other than the fact that I still have more muscles than the girls in the school and some of the guys." My guy friends would shrug and move along.

In the beginning of senior, one of my guy friends and I were more than friends but not dating; we'd mess around (we'd grope each other and perform oral sex on each other). One of our mutual friends found out about it and was a jealous bitch about it because she'd been in love with him since freshman year. During a very busy lunch period that the 3 of us shared together, I was just so frustrated about her and her friends trying to spread rumors about me; I was having sex with the entire football team (which the entire school knew was NOT true), they were saying that I was a junkie because I had more muscles than 99% of the girls (which, again, the entire school knew wasn't true), I had contracted STD's and other nonsense. I had had it so I went over to the table she was sitting at with her petty friends. I was disgustingly nice to them - they all knew that I was aware of they shit they were saying about me - and I explained that I am sick and tired of her jealous and petty shit as is the entire school, everyone was making fun of her and her friends because they were making up fake shit about me that EVERYONE knew was false which in turn made her and her friends the laughing stock of the school.

Because I had been sitting with them for so long, the entire cafeteria had become 100% silent at this point. So, I said to her - very sweetly, of course:

"I understand that you've been in love with JM since freshman year; I have no clue if you two went to middle school together or not….so it's been 4 years. He has yet to return your affection. You're mad that I'm friends with him and that he and I are messing around. I know that you're so desperate to make me look bad that you can't see how bad that you'll look in in January. It's late September and you're about 6 weeks pregnant with someone else's child. You want me to look like a fool so JM would stop being friends with me so you can have him and trick him into having sex with you....just to make him think that he's the father of your child. We all know that he's NOT sexually attracted to you nor romantically interested in you. In January, everyone will know that you're pregnant. I'm guessing, by how silent this cafeteria is right now, that everyone will know by the end of this period or the end of next period. You've spent 3 weeks trying to make me look like a fool when we all know that it's you that has looked like a fool. Now you look like an even bigger fool. Yes, I forgive you for treating me like shit but the next time I hear one negative thing coming from either your mouth or a friend's mouth, I will sue everyone at this table for libel; the entire school is proof of that and I will win. Trust me when I tell you this, I will sue you and your friends here for everything that you guys have AND for everything that you and their families have. I know all of your parents make $300,000 a year. Plus the brand new cars your parents, their parents, you and your friends have; everyone's vacation homes. All of your families will literally have a hard affording a 2 bedroom apartment and all of your parents will have to find a way to afford the expensive colleges all of you want to attend. With that money, I will be able to do less work around the barn because we can't afford the board, the farrier, the vet services, the lessons, the supplies and my tack, my parents will be able to pay their monthly mortgage payment with no stress, have enough money for an emergency - with my asthma, it can be very expensive as well as any emergency I face from horseback riding as I was already hospitalized three times; twice for severe concussions, spending several nights in the hospital each time and the other for testing and observation to make sure that I wouldn't become paralyzed. Thanks for lunch, girls. See you gals in 2 periods!"

I grabbed my lunch tray, walked away, tossed my cold food, put the tray in the window and sat down in the hallway. I just sat there in the hallway for 2 of my classes - clearly I was cutting class but my teachers didn't mind. The entire school knew what happened; the principal and the school's legal team called my parents to let them know. 

The high school paid for our legal team, took the girls and their families to court for libel; we won, of course, and we received what we asked for....a restraining order against each of the girls and their families. The girls and their families weren't allowed within 600 feet of me....the parents took them out of the high school and transferred them - separately - to strict all girls' schools.

I graduated high school in June 2001. Last I heard of any of the girls....the pregnant one gave up her child and became a prostitute (and addicted to drugs) and the others ended up getting kicked out of community college for pulling similar shit that they did to me; the victims and their families won close to 10 million dollars in total and the girls are working part time jobs, barely making ends meet

Hate being sick....so does everyone else

2020 & 2021 brought has brought me some weird health. For the most part, I was healthy although I had a few sinus infections (I get several every year), had the flu even though I had the flu shot and now I have bronchitis. I’m not sure how I got it. I've been super careful when around other people; I wear a mask at the grocery store, the pharmacy, when I see family and friends that are outside of my bubble....when my sister and her household were over for Easter, we were outside 95% of the time (we went in to grab what we needed food wise and run to the bathroom; we wore masks inside and had 3 air purifiers running on the main level to help). We wore our masks outside as well when we were in close contact with each other  and took them off to eat/drink. ALL of us tested negative before Easter and afterwards as well (all came back negative).

Last week, I went to the doctor - well, it was a virtual appointment since I was coughing - and the doctor said I had bronchitis and had me come to the office, wait in my car, get a quick Covid test, results done in the office and came back negative. From there, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my antibiotic and prednisone; I picked up some OTC cough medicine to help (my doctor does NOT play around with my asthma and treats me aggressively with meds so the bronchitis doesn't turn into pneumonia). Came home, took my meds, hydrated like crazy and took a nap.

Had dinner hours later and took my meds again....despite the 3 hour nap, I still felt run down so I went back up to bed. I was mostly asleep when I had a pretty bad coughing fit; I kept coughing, coughed up phlegm, tried to take a sip of water and was struggling to breathe so I used my rescue inhaler.....sadly, it didn't help too much.

I went downstairs with my wallet, phone, phone charger and a book and asked a family member to drive me to the ER. We loaded up, went on our way and got there in no time. I had to wait as other people were ahead of me; waited 40 minutes before I was seen. My relative ended up going home so they could take care of the pets and other things. The nursing staff immediately put me on oxygen to help me breathe and the doctor came a few minutes later.

Thankfully, my doctor's office is connected to the hospital (they share patient charts of mutual patients), saw what I was seen for and asked me to try to explain what caused the coughing fit. Being a sarcastic wise ass that I am, I said: "I'm an asthmatic with bronchitis. What the hell do you expect to happen? I had a coughing fit, had issues breathing so I tried to use my rescue inhaler which didn't help much and tried to take sips of water but that didn't work either. So, here I am doc. Please do your magic." The doctor laughed at my sarcasticness (yes, I know it's NOT a real word, get over it!!), listened to my lungs, sent me for a chest X-ray - which showed absolutely nothing - and ended up putting me on an IV drip of fluids, antibiotics and a steroid (probably hospital grade prednisone).

I tried to rest but I kept hacking up my lungs and the nurses kept parading through my room checking my vitals. I wanted to lock the door but there was no lock on it and no matter how many times I asked the staff to STOP waking me every 20 minutes, I'd start a mutiny with the other patients; we'd take out our IVs and other crap and walk out. I annoyed the hell out of the staff enough that they called the doctor and he came in. I explained that in order to get rest, I need to be left alone and according to the nursing staff, his request was to check on me often. I told him that it needs to stop now or I'm taking the shit out of my arms, signing the AMA (against medical advice) documents and walking the fuck out of there as I call the director of the hospital as he was my doctor when I was a child.

He changed the orders in my chart right away to check on me every 2 hours so I could get *some* rest and I expressed to him that if it's less than every 2 hours, trust me.....I promised that I would become his worst nightmare. He promised that it would be as I wanted it. I was able to finally get some rest despite it not being real sleep. 

I was tempted to call C but I didn't. I know that deep down inside there is a part of him that cares about me and my well being but I didn't want to call him to let him know where I was and cause a fight with his girlfriend.....besides, like me, he loves his sleep. Even if I did call him, what was I supposed to say to him? "It's 1 am and I'm spending the night in the hospital for observation because I have asthma AND bronchitis. I want you to come over and spend an uncomfortable night here with me while your girlfriend gets annoyed and assumes you're cheating on her?" So, I called my brother and like me, he's a night owl. 

Like a good brother that he is, he drove the hour to get to the hospital. On his way, he made a few calls and had a bed brought into my room so he could sleep in his own bed instead of one of those uncomfortable chairs. He did bring a number of cheesecakes from the restaurant to "bribe" the staff and brought a little airplane bottle of Vodka for me to drink; he knew that it would make me goofy and then fall asleep. As usual, it did it's trick and I was out cold in 20 minutes. Thankfully, I slept for the rest of the night.

The nurses came through around 7 am, sent me for another chest x-ray (which, again, showed nothing), the doctor came by, listened to my lungs and said that my lungs were sounding slightly better but not by much and that it's ok to go home. While I had been getting the chest x-ray and getting checked out by the doctor, my brother called my other relatives and said that he's bringing me home so they don't need to worry about it. 

Finally got home around 9 am, we ate, my brother napped for an hour, showered and went to work. I slept until 11 or so, had lunch, took care of a few things, napped again, read, had dinner and went to bed around 8:30/9 pm and slept like a rock.

I'm feeling better now but I still have 2 weeks of antibiotic left and haven't had anymore ER visits. My GP's office has been calling me twice a week to check on me. I do have an appointment on Friday as a follow up to make sure that my lungs are clearing up; the doctor may give me a referral to see a pulmonologist in a few weeks to see if there's anything else I should do but  right now, I am just focusing on feeling better.

Just when I thought I was out, they drag me back in

Ugh. I am trying my damndest to avoid drama to my best ability but somehow….it hunts me down. So the ex that cheated on me 13 years ago….you know the one with the daughter? Yeah so he and his ex wife were friends of mine when we all were at the same college 20 years ago this fall.

He and I were dating back in 2008, he cheated on me - mutual friends told me - he denied it, we all confronted him about it and he still denied it and just a few weeks after his daughter was born, he finally admitted it to me. That’s when we were fighting, verbally hurting each other, having sex with other people and bragging about it to the other….the list goes on. 

Just when we were in a semi good place, he tells me to start planning a wedding. I tell our mutual friend and she’s calling me a liar because she’s engaged to him and of course, he denies it. I tell her the shit that happened between he and I, she tells me that she believes him, he denies to me that he lied to her. She finally threatened to NOT marry him unless he tells her about the shit went down between he and I. He finally did and she apologized for calling me a liar. I tell him that as long as they’re married to each other, I am out of both their lives.

They ended up being married to each other for like 3 years and then he starts emailing me again saying that she moved from his home state where they lived to the state where we went to college together and is divorcing him. We go back and forth for a bit and then I walk away. Again. A few months go by and so I reach out to her to tell her that he’s reached out to me with all these accusations against her. She and I talk out our shit and we’re best friends now (IKR?) and tell me that he’s mostly lying. Of course he is! He hasn’t changed one bit!

So I talk to him again and tell him this shit that I heard from his family (true story) and from her family (true story) and said that he’s lying to me yet again and if he wants me to listen to his sob story, he better straighten up and start telling me the truth. I verify everything he says with his family, the ex wife and her family for a solid year; total waste of everyone’s time. At that point, 95% of it is the truth so I stop bothering everyone about what he says and does….it was getting tiring. Fast forward to 2018/2019, he and I smooth out like 80% of our shit, talk 3 times a week, I talk to her 4 to 6 times a week. It’s a small improvement but doesn’t mean that I’m friends with him.

I had to share with him recently that because of his actions back in 2008, the 3 of us have this weird relationship. They’re friends, exes and interested to see where life takes them when they see each other again. He and I talk about shit going on in our lives but I have zero interest in getting in any relationship with him again (he made me a 5^th option instead of first choice when we were dating). She and I are friends and we talk about a TON of things, always listening to each other and being a shoulder to the other.

I want him out of my life but for some reason, I can’t…..no matter how many times that I walk away some nonsense happens and I get dragged back into it.

I can’t completely get away.

Since the whole Vince & C nonsense, I’ve had both of my Covid vaccines; been on a few interviews since.

Anyways...Vince has been vaccinated as well and wants to meet up with him and talk. I told him that I do NOT want to because my life is better without him; I’m where I need to be and I’m not going to spend more than 10 minutes with him face to face. He knows I’m mad at him but for some reason he thinks that is meeting face to face will give him the opportunity to apologize for trying to control me by telling me who I can and can’t see. He’s a pretty smart guy but dense when it comes to me not wanting to be around him at this point and dense enough to think that us talking will resolve something. 

It finally resulted in me emailing Vince to explain to him how it hurt me and our relationship - whatever it was or wasn’t - and that no matter how hard he tries to explain, I don’t want to hear it nor talk about it. For a long ass time. I told him - as we emailed back and forth - that I’ll still love him to some small extent but I don’t want to be anything with him for the time being; not even friends. He needs to understand that he crossed the line - a boundary - never apologized for it, thinks he can mansplain it away and act like everything is fine is NOT fine; until he understands that and apologize for his behavior, then I’m more than happy to sit down and talk to him about shit. 

Now C is another story. Oye. I’ll always be grateful that he was in my life and for being who/what he was in the time he was in my life. Sure it hurt for a bit that he ghosted me for his gf - we were fading fast anyways - but we’ve talked a little bit. Helped trying to figure out what website to use and whatnot to sign up for a the Covid vaccine; suggested he call pharmacies to see if anyone failed to show for their appointment for their vaccine. Thankfully he got the first one & hope he can get the second one soon. He had some family members in his home country that died from Covid; he wants to get vaccinated so he can go home and be with his family. 

Other than that, C and I don’t talk that often. No matter what happens between he and I as well as he and his gf, I wish him well and wish him luck on his future adventures in his life. 

Slightly odd dream last night

I usually don't remember my dreams - which is normal for everyone - but last night, I remembered part of it. Keep in mind that when we dream, we only dream of people whom we met and have seen; we don't dream of people that we have yet to meet.

So I was with this big crowd of people - like a few thousand people - on this pier at night; we were watching this military carrier ship come into dock...I'm not sure why there was this big crowd there. Anyways, the military staff on the carrier set fireworks off and quite a number of the members were shouting in celebration and were jumping off the carrier while full of laughter. It was obvious to that it was some kind of celebration but I couldn't tell as I couldn't discern what the weather was like and the crowd was wearing a mix of clothing (some were wearing winter jackets while some were wearing tshirts and shorts).

Anyways, one of the guys from the military who jumped off the carrier came over to me - I had known him well in the dream (I remember that I've seen his face somewhere before but after living for approximately 40 years, it's a little hard to remember where you met or seen someone) - he came up to me, full on kissed me, said that he was going to change once he got back on the carrier (and to grab his bag of clothes/uniforms that he wears on the carrier) and meet me soon after. What seemed like forever in the dream, he came back out, threw his stuff in the back of the SUV and he drove us back to where we were staying. 

Unfortunately, my alarm went off before I could finish the dream. I hate when my alarm goes off before I can finish my dream.....it makes me wonder how the dream ends; does it have an exciting or boring end? Do I get to do some crazy ass stunts?