My on and off again boyfriend from high school

My high school boyfriend and I were on and off for 2 yrs....he was one of my brother's friends and they were 2 grades ahead of me (I came in freshman year when they started their junior year). He was the biggest guy I'd ever met at that time; 6'6, about 225 lbs and proportionate penis....he'd been on the varsity football and wrestling teams since he was a freshman (which is rare) and he'd been the BMOC (Big Man On Campus); the female students loved him and wanted to be his girlfriend and all the guys wanted to be him. 

When we first started seeing each other, my brother was LIVID for a few reasons 1. I was (and still am, obviously) his kid sister 2. His friends were supposed to leave me alone....as in they weren't allowed to date me.

I guess my brother made the exception with JS (my on and off again boyfriend) because he was a great person to everyone - from the popular kids (like him) to the not so popular kids (like me) - treated everyone with respect (whether they gave respect back to him or not), had a solid reputation of befriending anyone who needed a friend (from the ones ignored, the bullied, to the known but didn't have friends, etc.). All the students (and teachers) loved him and respected him. 

The thing with my high school - the jocks usually got away with more things than other students like handing in projects, homework, etc. a day or so late but JS told the teachers he had every year to NOT let him get away with anything like that....he was respected within the student population, wanted the same treatment as the non jock students and he said that he was "required" by each teacher to hand everything in on time and if he was even a class late with said work, he agreed that he'd receive a lesser grade then what he would've earned if it was handed in on time. He didn't want to get away with anything.

Anyways, when we were together, he'd come over to hang/chill out at my house mostly with me and partially with my brother (which is fair since they were friends). My parents already knew him since he'd been friends with my brother for 3 yrs at that point and they liked him. When I'd go to his house, either he came to pick me up, my brother brought me, my parents brought me or his parents got me. Same thing when we were off again because we were still friends (he remained friends with all of his ex girlfriends - which I think is pretty cool!)

He (and my brother) graduated at the end of my sophomore year....we were officially "off" at that point and if in the future, the timing was right, we'd get back together. When the graduation ceremony was over, he found me, picked me up in his famous bear hugs and said that no matter what he'd love me forever and I told him the same. 

I'd see him a few more times while I was in high school (we called each other about once or twice a month though). We'd hang out whenever we were in the same area - which was not as often as we liked since he worked about 30/40 minutes from where he lived and I had after school activities (cheerleading, working, taking care of my horse & doing some chores around the barn) and doing *hours* of homework.

When I went off to college, he'd come visit me twice month (I was 18 and still didn't have my driver's license; eventually I got it at 20 yrs old). It was a great feeling for me to have him visit me on the weekends since I was 6 to 6 1/2 hours away. Since it was a strict Christian college (girls were in female dorms and the boys were in the male dorms), he stayed with my friend at his dorm (which was 20 yards from my dorm)...and instead of having to eat cafeteria food (which, sadly for how expensive the school is, wasn't that great) so he took me out for lunch and dinner....sometimes we'd take my friend that he was staying with to show appreciation. The times we were by ourselves off campus, we'd find a place to have sex (because sex forbidden by current unmarried students that were NOT married...LAME!). In this instance, as big of a guy he was, THAT was pretty big as well! ;)

I wasn't happy at that college so I came home at the end of my first sophomore semester and transferred to a community college closer to home. Thankfully, I had my license right before that semester started so if I had time in between classes, I'd go visit him at work and bring him food from his favorite restaurant near work; we'd BS and have a good time. During this time, he had a girlfriend so I didn't call or visit him as often because I didn't want to interfere with their relationship; yes she knew that we were together up until a month or so before they started dating (we'd been FWB for about 2 years at this point so that ended). She didn't have any 'rules' per say but she did ask that he and I not to have sex; we promised her that and kept our word.

About a year or so into that relationship, they started having problems (she cheated on him, she was verbally abusive, etc.) and they tried to make it work but it didn't work out, unfortunately. After a bad fight, he had talked to my brother and then my brother called a family emergency while I was at work....I explained to my boss at that time there was an emergency (my boss and I had a great relationship - we were friends as well as boss/employee). He had asked if it was a friend or a family member so I decided to be honest so I told him that a "family" friend was having a horrendous day and my brother called it as an emergency so he let me leave my shift early (by 10 minutes). 

As I was heading to my car, I called my brother back to find out where they were and that I'd be there that I was going to be there as soon as possible....where they were located was 20 minutes away, I got there in 12 minutes. JS was a mess. He had been crying and drinking heavily since the night before as well as hours before my brother arrived to JS’s house. My brother took him for a drive for a change of scenery for a little bit. 

I loaded JS into my car - my brother wanted to join us in my car but I told him to take his car and meet us at JS’s house. My brother asked if I knew how to get there and I said prior to JS having this girlfriend, I was at his place more often then I was at home. Brother asked what the relationship was and I told him that after I graduated high school, JS and I became FWB. Of course he had to ask if we were careful!! LMFAO! I said that we were....most of the time.

JS was passed out in the front seat and I had to climb on top of him and straddle his legs/lap to get his seatbelt on; I turned and notice my brother...he looked very angry of how I was positioned on our friend so I told him to get over it. I climbed out of my car from the passenger side and got into the driver’s side; I yelled out the window to tell my brother to just follow me because I knew a short cut to JS’s house. 

I didn’t have to speed but took the short cut and got to JS’s house in a flash. The girlfriend had already packed up her stuff earlier in the day and moved out and his parents were already there...my brother must’ve called them to let them know we were on our way. I unlocked the car, threw my phone, wallet, keys, Gatorade & the other stuff I had in my car (an emergency change of clothes, etc.), put them on the ground near the front passenger door and climbed back in, straddled JS to unhook the seatbelt and climbed back out. 

I woke JS up when my brother arrived a minute after we did. My brother and JS’s dad helped him out of the car, inside the house and into his room; I was following them in - with his mom. I asked JS’s mom to mix 1/4 part Gatorade to 3/4 parts water, put it over a ton of ice and put a straw in it; explaining that I’ll be back down in a moment as I wanted to make sure that JS was placed on his bed.

I went upstairs to JS’s bedroom and see them struggling with his clothes. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and took my shoes off so I could climb on the bed. They’d already taken off his sneakers. So I moved JS’s arms gently to near his head, gently lifting his body inches at a time to roll his shirt up and take it off then I took his belt off, unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, moving one hip at a time to slide his pants down until I got to his upper thighs then I stood on the end of the bed, lifting both of his legs so each leg was on each side of my head so I could slide his pants off. It took a minute or two but I got it done. I was sweating a little bit because he’s still 6’6 and still 225/230 pounds while I’m 5’0” and about 180 pounds (or I was at that time). 

JS’s mom came up with the Gatorade and with a cool, damp washcloth in her hand. She asked if she could wipe his face and wake him up. I said yes and then moved to the side. That’s when we ALL noticed he was going commando. His mom was trying to cover him up and I reminded her that I’ve already enjoyed her son so none of this was new to me. She turned to me and said: “THAT was you?! All of that noise was YOU??” I chuckled and said that it was partially him as well. My brother looked like his head was about to pop off. I turned back to JS’s mom and apologized for my brother turning beet red as his head looked like it was going to explode.  She looked at him and looked at me; I explained that I’m the kid sister and most of what I’ve done with stripping off of his clothes and had sex with him (without my brother’s knowledge) made my brother mad...I didn’t need his permission to date or have sex with his friends. She laughed and then woke her son up. 

He chugged the water/Gatorade mix and asked for more so I went down downstairs to make more. My brother followed me down asking me how I knew to make that water/Gatorade mix. I told him I knew since freshman year when I started dating JS; too much sugar will help him stay drunk and explained that adding water to decrease the sugar but the electrolytes already in the Gatorade will help somewhat and pushing water was important as well in order to get him rehydrated. He looked surprised but he knew I was right. 

I made the water/Gatorade mix twice more over the next 30 minutes. He was appreciative then asking my brother and his dad to help him to the bathroom. While the trio of men headed towards the bathroom, his mom and I turned down the lights a bit, turned the fan on low and then turned his sheets down. When they came back, I had a banana and his 48 oz travel mug filled with ice water. He finished the banana quickly and had a swig of his water. 

JS asked everyone but me to leave but my brother protested as JS was still hung over. I said that we were fine and if I need anything, I’d call his name and he went to downstairs so he could catch up with JS’s parents.  As soon as left the hallway, I closed the door, stripped down to my birthday suit and hopped into bed with JS. He was awake enough to be the big spoon and I the little spoon. I knew then - at that moment in time - that I would love him forever. We fell asleep soon after and stayed asleep for about an hour; he woke me up my licking my apex. That got my attention!! We had the most passionate sex that we ever had and it was amazing. 

When we were finished, we heard a knock on the door and my brother popped his head in. He wasn’t mad this time around; he finally saw that his friend and sister had undefinable relationship based off of love, respect, friendship and that nothing could break our bond. My brother said he ordered some our favorite greasy food and that’ll be delivered in an hour. We said ok, he chuckled, winked and closed the door firmly behind. 

After he left, I was still propped up on some pillows and spread my legs again for JS. He was ready in an instant and we had the kind of sex where the headboard eventually broke; despite having a pillow between the the wall and headboard. We finished together again. I hadn’t noticed until we got up for a quick shower that we didn’t use a condom and he finished inside of me again...I wasn’t on birth control at that point; I told myself that he finished on my leg instead of inside of me even though he finished inside of me even but I knew better.

We dressed, went downstairs and ate greasy food at the local diner. After dinner, JS asked if I could spend the night with him and I said that if his parents and my brother didn’t have any issues with it then I’d stay. They all agreed that it would be best if I stayed. As everyone was leaving, I texted my boss that I may or may not be in work tomorrow and said that he’ll make sure it’ll be marked as a sick day so I don’t get penalized for it. I then texted my parents - I lived with them at the time - they already knew since my brother called them explaining everything to them (the cheating girlfriend, the excessive drinking and that we are FWB) and they weren’t really mad at all since they knew how much JS and I meant towards each other. I wished them a good night, went to JS’s room to grab one of his shirts and went back to the living room to join him on the couch. 

JS knows how much I love history and put on a historical based movie (from WWII). I sat in the corner of the couch reclined with a blanket on my lap while JS was laying horizontally on the couch with his head on my lap. Before he became too comfortable, I locked all the doors and windows on the first floor, placed my phone on the little table between the couch and wall, plugged it in, grabbed my driver’s license, my license to carry, my gun on the same table and then went to the bathroom. Don’t get me wrong, JS lives in a GREAT area but there have been a few break ins over the past few months so I wanted to be safe. 

I went back to the couch, got comfortable and JS got himself comfortable with his head on my lap. The movie was great but very long. We both fell asleep on the couch. I woke a few hours later....JS left a note saying he went to bed. I went to the bathroom (I’ve got a small bladder), grabbed 2 bottles of water from the fridge, grabbed my stuff from that table and went to his bedroom. The floor creaked and woke him up. I put my stuff away as he pulled the sheets back. 

I noticed that he was ready again so I took off his shirt and got into bed with JS. We had a great few hours enjoying each other’s bodies while having sex; he finished deep inside of my apex each time. I tried to talk to him about his now ex girlfriend and he said that he won’t talk about it now but when he’s ready so I said ok. We fell asleep again and of course, I had to wake up at 7 am because of my small bladder. I showered, brushed my teeth, took another shirt of his from his dresser, went to the kitchen to see what I could make for breakfast. I found bacon, breakfast sausage, pork roll, pancake mix, eggs, coffee and chocolate chips; the perfect breakfast to help take care of a hangover

I started to cook the meats all together in one frying pan, found an even bigger frying pan and made a ton of chocolate chip pancakes, started the coffee and then made the eggs. The meats were done so I put them on a oven safe platter to keep  warm in the oven and raided the fridge again. Found strawberries so I cleaned them up and made a strawberry glaze for the pancakes. I found another oven safe platter to put the pancakes on and tossed it in the oven. 

JS woke up smelling breakfast but went for the coffee first. He loved it and told him that it was bourbon roasted coffee; he asked for the website so he could order it so I gave it him. As he’s checking out the website, I grab plates and pile his plate a mile high of food. Gave him his plate with a bowl of the strawberry glaze as well as butter and syrup on the side. 

He started eating as I was getting my plate ready. I finally sat down as he got up to fill his plate again - he put almost as much food as I did for him just a few minutes ago. And, of course, he finished the coffee before I could have any. Jerk...LOL. After we ate, I packed up the remaining food, put the food in the fridge and I did the dishes

He went up for a shower and a nap, I started his laundry. Thankfully he has energy efficient washer and dryer that were also time efficient; I was able to wash, dry, fold and put his clothes away before he woke up from his food coma nap. Once he woke up, I started vacuuming, dusting and polishing what I could in his house. As he came down, he was shocked and took out the garbage; I cleaned SO much there were a few garbage bags to take to his garbage can outside. I packed all my stuff, my licenses, my clothes, gun, etc. and then I got dressed for the day. 

By the time I had my stuff by the front door, it was 3 pm. I texted his mom telling her about what time I’d be leaving and she said she’d be at JS’s house before I left. I went to the living room to find JS reading a book I gave him about 10 years ago (I was a freshman in high school then). I apologized for interrupting his reading but I wanted to let him know that I was leaving soon as I wanted to meet my parents and brother for family night and that his mom was arriving shortly. He gave me a look but I explained that he should be with his family now; he sighed and agreed with me. 

Minutes later, his mom walked in and I went to the kitchen to put the clean dishes away and then went to the bathroom. I went back into the living room to say goodbye. I received a hug from his mom - she was a little tearful and whispered that I am the executive of JS’s will as well as his power of attorney and I can place him wherever it is necessary for his health so I whisper back that she, her husband, my brother, my parents (when they weren't working nor taking care of the pets) and I would keep an eye on him and if we - as a group - decide what to do, I’ll do it even if I don’t like it...I’ll be doing it because I love him. 

The next few days I had to work 12 hour days so I kept in touch with JS, his parents, my parents and my brother via text; they were all saying that in general he’s good but a little agitated and cranky. So I explained to my friend/boss that I was concerned for my friend because he’s being watched around the clock and he’s acting agitated like he’s coming down from an illegal or prescribed controlled substances. My boss let me go for the day, so I went to JS’s doctor and they said that they didn’t prescribe and Class II or Class IV drugs in the past 15 years so I headed to the pharmacy to see what I could find out. Once I gave my name, the pharmacist came over, pulled me into the break room and we sat down. He showed me JS’s patient print out of all his meds he’s had filled and nothing seemed to be wrong until I noticed that he went to 5 different pain management doctors in different directions from his house. I thanked the pharmacist. 

As I was walking to my car, I started calling these pain management doctors, I explained who I was and what I was doing. They all faxed JM’s patient files to the pharmacy I work at (at the time). I texted my boss to give him a heads up of what’s going on and then I speak to JS’s mom what’s going on. Her husband was taking over watching JS so she met me at a café near pharmacy where I work at (at that time) and we went over EVERYTHING and she took notes. From there, we decided to go together back to the primary care physician and consult with him. I texted my lawyer (never a bad thing to have at any time), talked to a judge and he faxed a signed subpoena to the pain management doctors to meet with my lawyers, JS and his lawyers, his parents, my parents, brother, myself and a judge for the very next day. JS’s mom and I shared this with the primary physician and he said he’d join us at his own free will to help out. 

His mom dropped me back at the café and agreed that she, her husband, my brother, my parents and I to join JS at his house as on as possible. She called my family and we all got to his house within seconds of each other. Since I had a key handy on my keychain I unlocked the front door and we entered. Surprisingly enough, no one was surprised.

JS’s dad already talked to JS briefly of what was going to be discussed. Once JS saw me, he said: “No matter how much I hate you now and want to hate you forever, I know damn well you’re doing this because you love me and I love you. I know that I’m not going to be happy about this but we need to talk!” I went over to him, sat down next to him on the couch, wrapping my arms around him, kissing his cheek, tell him: “I do this because I loved you then, I love you now and I will forever love you. You are one of the most important people in my life and it’s my duty as your friend and as your lover to help you no matter what!” He started to cry and continued to cry for a long time. 

When he was done, I got us all some water and I explained that I found out that I was the executive of his will and power of attorney, I knew that I could speak freely to his doctors office and his pharmacy. His mom and I shared what we learned from the pain management doctors, what meds they prescribed, the dosing and the frequency, and clearly they didn’t know that there was more than one of the pain management doctors. I explained I got in contact with my lawyer and JS’s lawyers and they faxed a subpoena to all the pain management doctors to meet at the court house at 8 am to meet with a judge (I knew who exactly it was but I couldn’t legally share this info) and my lawyer informed me that JS, his parents and I were required to be there but it would be beneficial if my parents and brother came as well in case they were needed. 

We texted who we needed to get us clothes to wear at court for the next day; my sister took care of it for my brother, my parents did for me as they needed to find a pet sitter to take care of the dogs from 8 am to 4:30 pm for the rest of the week, and JS’s parents lived 2 towns over so they were gone for less than 30 minutes. By the time my dad brought my clothes for me, my brother and I decided to spend the night with JS as did his parents. The sleeping situation was this: I am to sleep in the same bed as JS, my brother would bring a mattress to the hallway just outside of JS’s room in case I needed him (felt that it was better to keep my gun locked up at my car) and JS’s parents would sleep down the hall. 

I made everyone “Sleepy Time” tea (it’s a decaf chamomile tea to encourage sleep). JS and I were the first ready for bed, his parents followed suit not long after and then my brother after he locked the doors and windows. I heard a familiar scratch on the door that was code for: “I’m here for you. Get me immediately if you need me to help you!”  I scratched back with my code for: “All is well now. If I need you, I will get you. Love”. JS was too tired to ask and just commented that I was being weird and I didn’t feel like it was necessary to explain how close my brother and I are. We have this thing of: “This is my sibling. I’ll give them a kidney, a lung, whatever they need but my NOT phone charger. If you hurt them in any way, shape or form, I promise I’ll be your personal nightmare!”

We go to bed, JS falls asleep but I can’t sleep. I tap on the wall to let my brother know I’m still awake he taps back. I go out into the hallway - leaving the door open - and we whisper. My brother feels confident. I’m worrying that JS will forced into a psych ward...my brother reminded me that I’m the only one with the final say. I thanked him, noticed that JS stirred and let my brother know that JS might wake up and notice that I’m gone. My brother and I hug and I return to JS’s room, leaving the door ajar. 

I slide back into bed, JS is awake enough to say hi, he moved closer to me, rested his head on my chest (yes, THAT chest) wraps one arms sound me and falls back asleep. I remember that he likes his hair played with when he curls up against me; it soothes him. I fall asleep into a light sleep. I wake up minutes before my alarm goes off. I get up, leave a note for JS that I’m going to pick up bagels and schmear. I tell my brother so he knows what’s going on. I go across the street and get 2 of every kind of bagels there are, 5 flavors of schmear (cream cheese) and some lox. I’m back less than 8 minutes later, I start brewing more bourbon roasted coffee, get plates, napkins, knives, bagels and the schmear ready. I go up and shower. 

Seconds later, JS meets me in the shower for some fun...we get dressed and meet everyone downstairs. My mom texts me that they’ll meet us at the court house and that they’re using our favorite pet sitter for the pets. Everyone is eating, I was able to toast a few bagels, put schmear on the toasted bagels, wrap them in foil, fill everyone’s travel mugs with water. JS, his parents and my brother travel together while I make a pit stop at the bagel place again and get everyone single serving bottles of orange juice; it’ll be a stressful day and a little vitamin c won’t hurt. I get to the courthouse 5 minutes after they did.

They saved a spot for me. I hand the bagels and 2 orange juices to my parents then hand off the rest of the juice to everyone else. I grab the notes and files from yesterday, meet with my lawyers and JS’s lawyers to see what the plan is. We all agree and everyone follows me to my favorite judge’s court room. We all sit down behind our gang of lawyers as the pain management doctors doctors sit down behind their 2 defense lawyers - that don’t have great reputations. 

The bailiffs ask us to rise, announces the judge and we sit. My parents and brother look at me in shock and I look at them like: “What? The fuck you want me to say?” The judge - one of my friends from second grade - calls on me to ask what’s so important. I introduce the lawyers and let them explain what’s going on. The judge nods and lets them start their case; our group of lawyers are amazing...they got their own records and other information they needed significantly faster than I did AND they stayed up until 6 am to go over everything and prepare. 

They start their case against the pain management doctors, go over everything they collected and showed that they had a solid case. Then pain management doctor’s lawyers weren’t that efficient nor effective; they were only able to not know that JS went to all of them. The defense rested and our lawyers called JS, his primary doctor, his parents, my family and I. It was tough when it came to me because of my relationship with JS. I had to explain the entire relationship: the dating, the friendship, the sex, etc. The defense team asked me if I encouraged the ex girlfriend to repeatedly cheat on JS or even push JS to different pain management doctors; I explained that that wasn’t the type of friend and lover to do that. They said that they knew that I’d do anything I possibly could do for JS because I never stopped loving him. I said that they twisted my words around. I explained that I would do anything legally and ethically right to help JS and yes I love him; at first was as my boyfriend and then as my friend but now my lover. They asked me to expand the part of friend and lover. I said it was hard to explain but I said that JS is my friend first and foremost, I love him in that capacity as well as when we are lovers. They got the gist. And my friend the judge banged her gavel and declared a recess for lunch. 

Our lawyers had food catered to us and we shared with the defense team. That’s what my lawyers do; they spread the good around to other people. Our hour recess went by fast and we returned to the courtroom. The judge was already there and said that we should sit. She said that she already knew that the defense team requested JS to go to a psych hospital to get help but I stood up and interrupted: “Your honor. It has come to my attention in the past 36 to 48 hours that I’m the executive of JS’s will and power of attorney. If it may please the court, I want to speak with him, our lawyers and both of our families to confer what the best course of treatment would be best for JS. He will give his own input but he knows that in this situation, it is ultimately my decision where he does and does not go!”  She reminded me that in her courtroom, no one interrupts her as she’s speaking even if they’ve known her and been friends with her since childhood. I chuckled and apologized.

The judge gave us 2 minutes and we all gathered around the lawyers table. We all agreed it would be best that JS were to go to an inpatient drug rehab facility and the lawyers gave a mutual suggestion of the best possible one. When the 2 minutes were up, the judge called my name and asked what the decision was. I explained that it was a mutual agreement with everyone that JS was to go to the inpatient rehab facility and provided the name that the lawyers gave me. The judge banged her gavel and said that she rules in favor of us and our lawyers

By two day’s time, JS is ready to go to the facility and he listed his lawyers, his parents, my family as well as myself as his visitors and signed a waiver that he agrees to have the staff share his info with his parents and myself. We all agreed that would be best and we would all visit as long and as often as I could. I shared this with my boss and said as long as I work 12 hours a week (at any time of the day of my choice), that would be fine and be able to keep my full time status and insurance while I go visit him. I then called HR to add JS to my work insurance then called my personal insurance company (they provide much better mental health services) to officially add him too - just in case his insurance was going to be finicky. 

I share this with JS, his family and mine. We all agreed that I’d work 24 hours straight on Mondays, go home to shower, get dressed, pack a week’s worth of clothes and spend the rest of the week there with him if he needed it or stay a few days a week with him. When his family and my family visits with him, I step out of the building so they can sit down with him and breathe knowing that I’m taking a break from the facility. I called his lawyers and mine one time to see how much I owed them they said because of how much JS and I care about each other was their payment; I did, however, sent them thank you cards. I wrote to the pharmacist’s boss and I explained that he went way above what I asked; a week later, I received a letter in return stating that the pharmacist had a significant raise (now making triple digits instead of double digits), the pharmacist now has better insurance and was able to put his wife and 8 adopted kids on the insurance and he now has become the pharmacist in charge. I arranged a catering delivery to the primary doctor and his office for getting me started in the right direction. 

As the weeks went on, JS was doing much better than he was before and weaned off of the CII and CIV meds but the staff noticed symptoms of depression. They suggested to him that they can bring in their best psychiatrist but he refused that idea so they want me to talk to him. When I get his room and knock on the door, he smiles, picks me up and spins me around. He slams the door shut and locks it. He comes over to me, we start kissing, taking our clothes off and go to  his bed. 

I begin to stroke him and it takes barely a few seconds for him to get ready for me. I lay down on my back and happily spread my legs for him. He slides in and out a gently but he starts slamming deep inside of me. I start moaning his name. He flips me on all four, and takes my apex roughly from behind. He needs to hold onto my hips so he stays in me. We’re both screaming in pleasure and we finish together moments later; he fills me with his essence. We stay in his bed a bit longer when I realized we didn't use a condom again. UGH! I’m ovulating  

When we get dressed, I tell him: "JS? You know how much I love you, right? And that you're my best friend?" He nods and says yes. I tell him: "We both know that I'm not on any form of birth control and the last few times, we didn't use any condoms. Baby, I love you and love having sex with you so much but I don't want to get pregnant; I'm not ready to be a parent!" He says that he understands but questions me if I want his baby or someone else's. I try to explain to him that as long as I'm in a committed relationship, I would have that person's child or children.....he interrupted saying that we're practically in a committed relationship - despite where he is right now - but if I get pregnant by him, he'll stay with me and our baby (or babies) and not be in another relationship at all. I told him to give me a few days to think about it and he said it was ok.

As we walked to the common area, I said that the staff wanted me to speak with him in regards of noticing signs of depression. He became mad instantly and started yelling at me. I let him continue to explode. After he calmed down, we talked about about the possible diagnosis was and how we could find the answer. I mentioned the one that I see; let's just say that JS was totally shocked and never knew about that. I said that through counseling and medication - when needed - my depression is under control...the people I tell are surprised that I surprised because I don't "seem" or "act" depressed then accuse me of lying about it. JS just nodded and then agreed to have my psychiatrist come by that day. 

We saw that his parents were there to visit with him so I made a few excuses that I needed to return a few calls but I ended up calling my psychiatrist to see if he could come by today. He answered at the first ring, I explained the situation as briefly as I could, he said that he's got the rest of the day free and that he's on his way. I thank him and we hang up. I go back to JS's room at the rehab facility and gather my stuff. Once I have everything packed up, I head back to the common room and explain everything to JS and his parents. His parents are excited but JS was less so but he knew that ALL of his health was important to us. 

My psychiatrist came in a few minutes later so my family and his took a walk while JS, the psychiatrist and the rehab facility could sit down and chat. Halfway through our walk, I was feeling tired so I headed back to the facility and took a nap on the couch in JS’s room. I hadn’t been sleeping well since he entered the rehab facility. I napped for half an hour. 

I woke up as JS and “our” psychiatrist walking into JS’s room. I sat up as JS and the psychiatrist talked with me about their conversation and the diagnosis. The psychiatrist said in that his opinion that JS was NOT depressed, doesn’t have anxiety or any other mental illness, JS had been feeling frustrated and wanted to get out of the facility; he was just struggling with his words and feelings so he couldn’t say anything. 

I called in our families to sit down with JS and the psychiatrist. We discussed what they talked about and we all decided to sign JS out of the facility so he could live in a half way house for a week; that way he could be monitored in a safe environment. He’d be able to go out to run errands but live/sleep at the halfway house. At the end of the week, the director of the halfway house would sit down with both JS and I to see what the next step was. 

We took him to his house that night and let him stay at home for a few days. I stayed with him for the most part; two nights I worked 6 hours while someone stayed as he slept. Someone was always with him - usually on the same floor that he was on - while I was working. Since JS was sleeping when I left and when I came back, I searched his house from top to bottom and got rid of all CII and CIV prescribed meds. The only types of medication I left was over the counter pain relievers, allergy meds and cold meds. When I found every thing I could and dropped off the prescribed meds to a local drop off place for unwanted/unused meds. 

After being home four days, I brought JS to the halfway house. We entered and sat down with the director. He wanted JS to interact with the other residents and the staff at the halfway house this first week. She felt that 99% of the time, it helps the new resident to rewire their brains to fully function on their own and to relearn to rely on themselves.  Both JS and I disliked that with a passion but we both agreed to this. We were led to his room, dropped his stuff off and were given 15 minutes to say goodbye privately. We closed and locked the door so we took off our clothes and had the MOST passionate sex we ever had in our friendship. When we both climaxed, it took him several extra seconds to finish emptying his essence inside of me. He made sure a few pillows were under my hips for 10 minutes. We stood up and got dressed; he leaned down and kissed my cheek and said that this time he hoped that he had gotten me pregnant. I replied by saying that I hoped so. We hugged again before we met the director in her office. She and I exchanged numbers so we could reach out to discuss JS and what he’s going through. I kissed and hugged him goodbye again, grabbing his penis over his pants, telling him that I loved him and if he got me pregnant, I’ll be the luckiest woman alive. He smiled and laughed. 

I took my time getting home and when I finally did, I slept for several hours. I woke up to see if I had any messages but my phone died. I ran to where I have my cord plugged in and started to charge my phone. Once there was enough battery, I saw who texted me and replied to those most urgent. One was from the director and she also left a voicemail. I didn’t bother listening to the message so I called her back. 

She asked if I listened to my voicemail and I said that I’d rather hear from her; I apologized for sleeping and my battery died. She said that JS was in a physical fight with someone who was walking by - it was NOT a fellow resident - and that JS was arrested. He requested that I go bail him out. 

I go to the county jail and talk to one of the sheriffs. He told me that a government employee was taking a walk, talking briefly on the phone when JS heard the employee laugh thinking that he was laughing at JS because JS was leaving the halfway house, attacked the employee and beat him up. As I was signing the paperwork, the arresting officer - a good friend of mine from the community college - said that the federal employee was pressing charges. I thanked him and paid bail. 

Moments later JS was walking over to me. I hugged him and told him we needed to talk; the one jail sheriff gave us a private room to talk. I thanked him. I closed the door and went off on JS, asking what the hell happened and he told me what happened. Thankfully it was pretty damn close to what the cop told me but I was still mad. Before I could say anything, I received a text from a friend who was a government employee; he said that he was the one that was beat up and pressing charges. 

I told JS that I just read that the guy who he beat up - my friend the government employee - is pressing charges. JS flipped out, asking how I knew this guy. I said that the same building my pharmacy is located on government property owned by the government and only government employees can work there. He started screaming at me declaring I was a liar. I just sat there, laughing to myself, while he’s worked up. 

Once he was done, I told JS that I did NOT lie to him about working as a pharmacy technician, showing him my wallet  sized tech certification and told him that part of my contract  was signing a NDA form stating that I couldn’t divulge to any one (not to friends, family, significant others, etc.) that I was a government employee. 

I asked him how I got my lawyers so fast, the judge I knew from elementary school, how he had a $25 invoice from the rehab facility instead of thousands if he used his insurance and how I was able to work minimal hours so I could help take care of him. He said he thought that I paid everyone for them to take care of what I needed right away. I told him that if I did, that would be bribery and I would lose my job. I stepped out of the door - asking someone to watch the door as JS was still in there - so I could text both of our families and his lawyers asking for a meeting at JS’s. Then I texted my government employee friend to ask if he could send everything to JS’s lawyers and he agreed; I thanked him profusely because he didn’t have to do this nor did he want to.

I went back inside the building, collecting JS and headed for his place. Both of our families and his lawyers were already there and inside. Everyone was demanding answers from JS and I told everyone to be quiet. JS sat down as I told him to sit down and NOT say a single word to anyone about anything. I took the lawyers into the other room and closed the door. 

They received everything from my friend’s lawyer and explained everything to me. The outcome didn’t look to good. We immediately called in a forensic psychiatrist - someone I knew professionally and also who didn’t treat me - to sit down with JS, his lawyers and I; he was actually 5 minutes away and came over. I let him in the house, called JS and the three of us went to meet up with the lawyers. I introduced everyone and told JS to start talking as soon as I got out of the room. 

I met with both families and discussed with them about the attack, the arrest, jail and everything else. I said that the guy who came in was a forensic psychiatrist that I knew from work but he needed to talk to only JS and his lawyers. Both families were shocked with my news that I worked with a forensic psychiatrist in my building. I told them that I’m really a certified pharmacy technician but the building is on government land, owned and run by the government and staffed by government employees - including me - but because of signing a NDA, I wasn’t allowed to share this but was given the ok by my direct boss/friend since he knew most of what’s going on. My brother suggested that this was why I was able to get the ball rolling as fast as I got it rolling and I confirmed. 

Before they could ask me anything else, JS and his lawyers came out of the other room and joined us. Because I - to some degree - was involved in this case and the less I was involved, the better; considering that if this went to trial, I could be asked to be either for the defense or the prosecution. I started to become nauseous so I ran to the master bathroom to vomit. Once cleaned up, I dug for the pregnancy test I hid in there. I followed the directions and needed to wait 3 minutes. 

JS came up to get me but I told him I needed a few minutes and he kept banging on the door. I told him that I need 2 1/2 more minutes,  he asked why so I unlocked the door and let him in. He saw the pregnancy test and his eyes opened big. The timer of my phone went off so we both looked; it was confirmed that I was pregnant. He was ecstatic but I wasn’t as excited as he was. This meant he’d be with me forever. It’s not like I didn’t want him to be though I wanted him to be but not as the father of my kid/s; I’d always hoped I had someone else as the father....someone who was NOT friends with my brother. I told him that there’s no way we could announce anything at this point. He looked disappointed but understood that he’s got other things to worry about. 

We went downstairs. My family and I left so JS, his family, the forensic psychiatrist and the lawyers could talk. Years later I found out that he had severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. As per his lawyers wishes, we didn’t have contact for 4 months because of the court proceedings; the verdict was not guilty and I lost my government employee friend a few days after that...he shot himself in the head. 

After a little bit of therapy after the verdict, JS and I slowly came back into each other’s lives. I was 5 months pregnant by then. My family finally knew but JS and I needed to sit down with his family to tell them as well though he and I needed to talk first. Since it was still a little awkward when we came back together but we were having a child together and we needed to figure something out. Where we going to live separate lives and co parent or I have primary custody and his visits are supervised by one of our families or do we work on our friendship and co parent as friends? 

It took about 6 weeks to figure this out but we decided to work on our friendship and parent together daily while being open to us dating or getting married to each other or to other people. We both needed to keep an open mind on this. Our families were involved with this but thankfully we both felt that they lawyers were NOT needed for this since this was our private lives and it involved us and our families. 

I spent most nights at JS’s so we could talk about anything and everything that we wanted and we still had explosive sex; when we both climaxed, I got my clothes off the floor and go back to the room I’d been sleeping in. During this time, I was still working at the pharmacy but it was in the HR department rather than being a pharmacy tech but when people called out, I filled in for them. I was working 30 hours instead of my normal 75 hours and that was fine. My boss and his boss said because of what JS and I were going through besides the pregnancy, I was given 2 years maternity leave if I chose to be gone that long but I could come back earlier if I wanted to; it was up to me and no pressure from them. I was relieved. I would still be paid my normal salary and would keep my benefits.

About a week before the baby was due, I decided to go to the hospital early. I had minor contractions here and there but I figured that I’d play it safe at the hospital. My family took rotating turns spending a night in the hospital with me. They set me up in a room with 2 beds but they marked it as private on the door; only family and a few listed non family members were allowed in the room besides the medical staff. 

I haven’t done much for the staff of the hospital other than treating everyone - no matter what their job is - with the same respect. I was raised to treat the proverbial “low man on the totem pole” with the same respect as I give a CEO or president of a company. I guess a small part of it is that once I get to know staff at the hospital, I make a point to swing by where their workstation is to see how they and their family is doing. Now it’s their turn to do the same. 

JS hasn’t visited, called or texted that often but his parents say he’s fine; he’s working and there might be someone his life but they don’t know for sure. I was a little saddened to hear this but JS and I were working on possibly dating once the baby was born. Guess he changed his mind. 

By the fourth night I was at the hospital, my water broke as I was taking a stroll in the halls late at night. Not long after that, I started having contractions. My family was called and they arrived 35 minutes later. My brother wanted to know if JS was contacted and I said no but I don’t want him informed yet. My brother started to ask why but I shot him a look so he stopped. 

I was in labor for 90 minutes and it was a quick and easy birth; for having twins. The babies got cleaned up, checked out and finally brought into my room after I was cleaned up. My family informed JS’s family so they came over for a quick visit and left. My family decided to leave not long after that. Once everyone was gone, the babies woke up, I breast fed them, changed their diapers and then they went back to the nursery. 

I was fast asleep when I heard a knock on the door. It was JS. I told him to leave and rolled over so I could face the other side of the room. He asked me what the matter was. I told him that he’s barely contacted me since I checked into the hospital and that I was sure that he was too busy knocking up his new girlfriend. He started to say something but security was called because no one recognized him as one of my visitors. I told security to take him but he’s allowed to come back in a few hours. They escorted him out and I was super grateful that he went quietly. 

I fell back asleep for a little bit but woke up to aching and full breasts. I called for the babies so I could feed them. They were hungry cutie pies! I love them so much. With one look at them, I forgot that I was mad at their daddy despite how much they look at them. They fall asleep and go back to the nursery. I start crying and that makes me breasts ache and leak which makes me cry even harder which made breasts ache even more. On more than one occasion, I wanted JS to visit me, suck my breasts dry and to fill my apex again. 

JS knocks on the door and I tell him to come in. The staff is worried but I tell them to go. They leave and he closes the door behind him. I ask how he’s doing but I can tell something is off. He starts cursing at me for no reason other than the fact that I may be getting more attention than he is. He starts getting louder and louder and finally is done a few minutes later. He climbs onto my bed, ripping off my hospital gown, pulls out his penis and forces his penis into my swollen and sore apex. I screamed in pain. He started thrusting deep into my apex; my breasts started to leak. He kept the pace thrusting in me and started squeeze and suck my breasts, drained them. I screamed for help. Fortunately, the staff heard him and my scream for help and they called for security. As I’m still screaming for help, he thrusts harder and faster as he’s squeezing my sensitive breasts as hard as he could. Five minutes later, he climaxed and finished inside of me. He got off of me and the bed and gets dressed

As soon as he opens the door to my room to leave, security and a psychiatrist are there. They escort him to an office space on the floor. He tells them what they think that they want to hear and I told them about what happened when they’re done with him; the staff near my room at the time could verify it. They wanted to arrest him for disrupting the peace and sexual assault but I only wanted JS to be admitted to the psych ward. Thankfully I always keep a recent copy of his will and a copy of my power of attorney in situations like this  

I signed myself out of the hospital the next day. I left JS there but didn’t leave word for him. Both my family and JS’s family help me with the babies; I was still trying to come up with their names. Every day, at some point, I feign tiredness, go upstairs and let both families watch the babies. I call the psychiatrists from the psych ward to see what’s going on. They said that first full day that he was there that he admitted that he went off of his BPD meds and every day from that then on, he took his new prescribed meds. 

By the end of the second week of JS being in the psych ward, I sat both families down and explained to everyone that the day I gave birth, JS verbally and sexually attacked me, the staff called security and the psych ward when they heard him and that he’s been there since; he’d been off his original meds and they’ve started him on different meds to see if that’s going to change. The head psychiatrist said that they’d hold him there for another 3 weeks to see if the meds are truly helping him and that it usually takes 5 to 6 weeks for most medications to take full effect. I told both families that I agreed with the psychiatrist and that it’s in both families interests to see what the outcome is. I said that they’re more than welcome to send him letters but it’s in my best interest to wait until I sign him out before I talk to him. 

Thankfully, those 3 weeks went quickly, his family wrote a ton of letters whereas mine wrote a handful. I kept getting daily updates and they were mostly good. On the last day prior to my releasing him, the main psychiatrist invited me to see and interact with JS. I agreed with the caveat that security is there with me. The psychiatrist was kind about it and agreed to it. 

So I arrived a little bit early, leaving everything but my keys in my car. The psychiatrist gets me and one of the security guards; as we pass the main desk, I drop off my keys since they are a risk to the patients. JS is in a room with another patient. From where I was, he looked healthy and happy but as I was listening to the psychiatrist, looks could be deceiving; once JS saw me, he could revert back to his behavior in my hospital room or his meds would dictate his behavior. 

We entered the room and the other patient left. The psychiatrist and the security guard left the door open but stood just outside it in case I needed their help. I let JS start talking. He said that he was sincerely sorry for screaming at me, he was feeling off because he was playing with his meds and drinking alcohol and me admitting him to the psych ward was the best decision because it protected me from him and forced him to get the help he needed. He’s now on new meds that he says that are working better for him and that he’d love to get out tomorrow and truly show me who he really is again. 

I had to ask him again about the fact that he has a girlfriend. He looked confused. I said that I confronted him in my hospital room before he started screaming at me and raping me. He said that he didn’t remember that but he said that he didn’t have a girlfriend. I was honest by telling him that his parents told me that he had a girlfriend. He said that she was just a one night stand a few times because he was freaking out about me being 8 1/2 months pregnant having contractions. I said that in order for me to gain his trust again, he will have regular STD checks for the next 8 months, his blood will be tested to see what the levels of his meds are in his system and he will have to pass a lie detector tests once a month. The last stipulation was that he was to stay under his parents’ watch at their house for the time being. He didn’t like it but agreed to it. I said goodbye without a hug and kiss. I had no desire for physical contact right now. 

I was brought out by the security guard, grabbed my keys and as I left, both families were waiting for me. I shared that I’m signing JS out the next day, shared the stipulations, etc. and they were ok with it. We went back to my house. I showered and put in my lounge clothes, fed the babies and pumped the excess when they were done. I went back to my room, packed an overnight bag, booked a round way ticket to see my best friend, came down and told my parents the plan; they knew I needed to get away right now. Even if it was for the night.  They drove me to the airport and sent me off with bear hugs and well wishes to my best friend - the only civilian friend I have right now. She is my best friend, my sister and my sanity. 

It was a 2 hour flight and I’m happy to admit, I slept peacefully the entire time. When we landed, I grabbed my bag from the overhead bin and walked straight outside and took a cab to my friend’s job. She was working a half day today and was getting out soon so I waited outside of her office, basking in the sun. About 20 minutes later, I heard some screeching so I turned around and it was my best friend and I started screeching. Everyone around us was looking at us like we were nuts. 

I grabbed a cab for us to take us to her favorite restaurant near her house, telling her it was my treat. She knew some of what was going on so that night I told her everything. When we got back to her house, we were giggling like nuts, accidentally woke up her husband; who’d fallen asleep on the couch. He took one look at us and said he’s going to sleep in the guest bedroom. Giggling again, we took off our shoes at the door, grabbed some water and talked about what’s going on with her and her husband.

She looked at me with lust. We took our clothes off quickly and she laid down on her back, spreading her legs. I ate her apex many times, she finished on my tongue each time. We flipped positions. She fingered me as she sucked my breasts dry. She then leaned down and ate my apex. I finished on her tongue in no time. She pulled out a 10” long, 4” thick dildo and forced it into my ass. I moaned. She slid it in and out of me as hard as she could. I climaxed screaming her name. 

Immediately, her husband came running into the room. He saw us and removed his clothes. He asked me to roll over to my stomach. He slid his penis in my ass as hard as he could. He fucked my ass for so long that I passed out. I woke up to her draining my breasts as he was fucking her unprotected. They screamed as they climaxed together.

It quickly became 2 am and she’s got work the next day. I grabbed one of my brother’s oversized shirts from my bag, put it on and went to bed. I was already asleep before she came to bed. 

I woke up before she did, showered, got dressed and made breakfast for her and her husband while I just ate a banana and had some juice. They woke up, got ready for work, enjoyed breakfast and went on their way to work. She had returned saying she didn’t have her car. I said that someone will be coming by in a limo to pick her up and that her car would still be there when she got there. During the afternoon yesterday, I had her car brought to a shop for new tires, an oil change, detailed on the inside, gas filled and went through the car wash. I washed their bedding from last night, as well as the towels from this morning and my clothes from yesterday. 

I cleaned the rest of the house, remade their beds, put their folded towels away and then washed, dried and put away the dishes from this morning. I grabbed my stuff and waited for the cab that I called earlier. I made it to the airport earlier than needed. As I checked in, for the very first time, I was asked for ID. I said no problem so I showed my license; they noticed a government employee stamp on my license so they asked for my federal ID; I showed it to them, explaining that I was only a pharmacy technician for the federal government. They chuckled, not believing me and upgraded me to first class. I got to board before anyone else. 

I sat down in my new seat, connected my phone to the outlet in the plane, turned off the volume, left the flight attendants a note asking for an extra large bottle of water, to please let me sleep and left three $10 bills (there were 3 flight attendants). Seconds later, I was out cold; I woke up 20 minutes before landing. I drank about half the bottle, went to the bathroom and came back just in time for landing. Once we taxied to where we needed to be, I grabbed my stuff and the water and gave each flight attendant another $10; they said it wasn’t necessary but they thanked me. **Important travel tip: when going on a trip by plane, greet the flight attendants and  please tip each flight attendant a few bucks when boarding; this will make them remember you and there’s a better chance that they’ll help you out a little bit more. Also, show them respect!!**

I headed straight for the doors and saw my brother waiting for me. We hugged, threw my overnight bag in the trunk and headed back to the hospital. As we were on our way, I checked my phone; just a few texts from my mom about the babies being good and my friend who thanked me for the visit, taking care her car and cleaning up the house a little bit. 

We got to the hospital quickly and I asked my brother to come with me to sign JS out. He agreed - mostly for safety and also because they’re friends - I led the way, signed us in, brother dropped off his keys and stopped at JS’s room; he was finishing up packing. The psychiatrist was with him, explaining that he was giving JS a 4 month supply on his meds, gave him a counselor’s name and number to schedule appointments and they both came out of the room. 

JS was happy to see my brother; they hugged. When JS got to me, he dropped down to his knees, gently taking my hands in his, kissing the palms of both my hands, looked up at me: “My love. I’m so sorry that I hurt you terribly. I can’t make excuses for my behavior. I’ve been a bad father to our babies as well as a bad friend and lover to you. I will do everything that you’ve asked for and I will prove myself daily to you, our babies and your family. I love you so much, baby!” I asked him to get up and as he stood up to his full height. I grabbed a chair stood on it, took his face in my hands and kissed him with everything I had. 

I stepped off the chair and returned it. I faced my brother and JS; JS was still crying. I went back over to them, asking JS about our promise to each other. He remembered it and repeated it: “I will love you no matter what happens between us; I have loved you as my friend and also as my lover. I promise to continue to love you for the rest of our lives on earth as friends and as lovers. Nothing nor anyone will tear us apart. I love you.” I told him that no matter what, we keep that promise but the important thing is that he needs to meet our babies because I needed help picking their names. 

We arrived to my house in no time. My brother introduced JS to our babies as I pumped my overfull breasts; I hadn’t pumped in 24 hours, it was going to take a long time. I ended up falling asleep for part of it. When I was done, I showered, got dressed, grabbed the multiple bottles of pumped milk and went downstairs. My mom grabbed the bottles from me, put them in the fridge and gave me a hug. She and I went to the living room to watch JS with the babies; we saw he’d be a great daddy. 

I let go of my mom’s hand and walked over to JS, slipping my arm around his waist. He looked at me, smiled and told me that he loves me. We looked at the babies as they were waking up; I said that our daughter would be Katya - after my best friend - and he said that our son would be JS II. We changed the babies diapers, I breastfed them and they were ready to go outside for a ride in their fancy stroller; our families brought them outside for the stroll give us some privacy. Once the door closed behind them, JS and I looked at each other; he looked like he didn’t know what to do now so I grabbed his hand and let him upstairs to my room. 

I closed the door, took off my clothes and got into bed while he looked at me like he was wondering if I trusted him in bed with me. I told him to get undressed, get in bed and take a nap. He got into bed with me and wanted to put his arms around me but I told him to keep his hands to himself and that it’s time to nap. He sighed, rolled over to his other side and fell asleep. We woke up an hour later and went downstairs together. I asked my parents to take the babies until tomorrow so JS and I could talk. They agreed and as they were packing up, I used the breast pump....as usual it took a long time as I produce a ton of milk.

JS and I fought for most of the day about the woman he slept with a few times, the chance that he went off his meds and my lack of trust in him right now. Once I explained that he lied to me about being the only one he was having sex with, lied to me about going off his meds and not sure if he contracted an STD from the woman he slept with a few times and that I was ready to take the kids, leave him, use his medical records to guarantee that I get sole custody of the kids and that we’d go so far away that he wouldn’t find us, he understood how serious this is. It was a reality check for him. He said that he’d work his ass off to prove that staying with him was worth it  

Our babies returned the next day around noon, my parents said hi to the both of us and then they left. I fed the babies, changed their diapers and we played with them until it was time for them to take a nap. We brought them up to their cribs - which we put next to each other - put them in their cribs, put on soothing music, turned on the baby monitor. When we got downstairs, JS asked if I wanted to have more kids with him. I told him that at this point in time that I don’t want to have more kids with him and nor do I want to be in a serious relationship with him. Clearly, he was hurt but he understood that’s where we are right now.

As we continued to work on our family and trust, JS didn’t return to work after we had our babies because he wanted to be a stay at home dad and my job was changing; I became the lead HR supervisor of two floors; the floor that the pharmacy is on and the one above it...this floor has the directors of all departments and I outrank them. LOL; quiet and unnoticeable me as the boss and outranking people.  They just advise me what they need to be signed, what I need to document and whatnot, etc. I decided that we ALL work together as a team and make decisions together as a team even though I outrank them. It makes it so much easier to work together and it makes a better team. The best part is that I’m in the building 2 to 3 days a week, 8 to 10 hours a day. They either call or text if there's an issue as there really aren't any since we spend 24 to 30 hours a week in meetings with each other each week

With the money I’m now earning, we decide that I’ll buy a house and it’ll be in my name but it’ll be JS’s house as well since we both wear the pants in raising the babies and we’re still working on us. Some days are better than others and on the bad days (where we’d scream) one of our families would take the babies for a few days. Whether or not we had good days, we started sharing the same bed and occasionally having mind blowing sex again; forgetting to use protection.

We’d take short family vacations together, he’d go on short vacations with family and friends and I do as well with my friends and family. We get plenty of family time to make memories together and with our individual family and friends. Unfortunately, one of JS’s mini vacations didn’t end well. 

He’d been doing great by staying on his meds, seeing a counselor twice a month, sees the psychiatrist from the hospital once a month, stopped with the STD checks, stopped with the lie detector tests and stopped with checking med levels in his blood. We were so happy with our family and I didn’t know he stopped his meds; our families and our friends never noticed a change in his mood nor behavior. 

So he went with some friends to their usual cabin that I own to go fishing on the lake 45 minutes away. I have the phone numbers for his friends that he’s going with (we both agreed that is important in case the one watching our beautiful kids has an emergency and needs the other parent). They arrive a little later than normal due to traffic (JS hated traffic more than I do and I HATE traffic!), it’s too late to go fishing so they go to the local restaurant to eat, go back to the cabin to settle in for the night. 

JS unpacks his bags like he usually does and uses the dresser and the closet; his friends aren’t that organized but I still think they’re great guys. The next morning, the guys get ready; grab food, their fishing equipment, the boats and away they go on the lake. Not one of the guys noticed that JS had a rope attached to his bag. After a few hours of no luck, they dock across the lake for lunch. JS calls me to let me know that they’re out fishing, they’re having fun, that he can’t wait to be in bed with me again and tells me how much he loves me. I tell him to enjoy his tight with his friends and fishing, I wished him to have fun, I love him and that I can’t wait to be in his arms again. We tell the other one that we love each other and hang up. 

They guys didn’t notice when they docked that JS had his rope and his bag with him when they got out of the boat.  He tells them that he’s going for a hike; he goes so far that he loses his cell reception. He finds a tree and hangs himself. After a bit, the guys realized that he was gone for a long time and that they’re losing daylight. They shout his name and call his phone. They can’t reach him and can’t find him so they call the local park rangers. 

One of the guys from the trip calls me, expecting that I’ll be dead asleep (but I’m a light sleeper when JS is gone), once I answer, he lets me know that JS got lost, the park rangers are looking for him and they hope to find him soon. I thank him and hang up. I call my mom at this point; I know she doesn’t sleep well either when JS is gone either. I asked her to wake my dad, grab all the pets, their dog food and dog food bowls grab  as many sets of clothes they can pack and get to my house to watch the kids. She says ok and hangs up with no questions asked. I had them escorted by our police department to my house to make sure that they'd arrive sooner than their usual time.

I call several colleagues from work; they’re all on the same phone call and on speaker as I’m packing a bag. I explain that my partner has gone missing when out with friends, I’ll be helping the park rangers, my parents and their pets will be watching the kids and the house; I describe what my parents, their pets and their cars look like (I have people watching my house 24/7 because of constant death threats directed towards me). My parents arrive moments later. I hug my parents and head out the door. I turn back because I need to grab my government employee badge, my federal employee gun, its ammo and license to carry. 

I pack up my truck - a Ford 250 pick up truck, fully loaded and many extras - I throw on the lights and go on my way. It usually takes me 40 minutes to get to the cabin but because of the lights, it takes me 20 minutes. I get to the cabin, park right next to it, grab my phone, a heavy duty flashlight, the battery pack for my phone, my gun, my employee badge and my asthma inhaler. I ask the first uniformed person to ask where their lead contact person is. They point out Mac; I’ve worked with him before. He reminds me of a flaky hippie in appearance but underneath that, he is one of the most incredible friends I’ve had, great search and rescue task force leader and one of the country’s top 2 hostage negotiators; he hasn’t lost a hostage in his 18 year career....he's SO good that foreign nations want to hire him. He may or may not be my hero! 😉

I call out his name as I approach him and he turns his head. We walk to each other and meet half way. I tell him it’s my partner JS missing and that I want the father of my children back. He hugs me and gives me an ugly but necessary reflective yellow vest. He also hands me an old purse of his wife’s; a cross body bag that I can store my stuff in but it can also handle the job in the woods. I run back to the truck to grab my boots, run inside the cabin to go to the bathroom and then I head back outside.

Mac’s assigning jobs and I get my least favorite; since I’m short I look at my level and below, look under things and if needed, I climb. Before we disburse, Mac hands us all a whistle; the whistle is used 1. to let the others know we found a body or 2. to let the others now that our missing person is hurt. Mac asks if I’m good alone or I want someone to work with; I tell him that prefer to fly solo. He chuckles and said he’s figured as much.

I decide to go on a semi hidden path that JS and I have used to sneak away to have sex. I know the path like the back of my hand. The further I go, the farther I am from someone else. It’s quiet...too quiet; it's getting eerily quiet. I start to sing JS’s favorite song, hoping he can hear me. I keep going further up the mountain and I see signs that JS had used this path. I slow down because I know to expect the worst. I look high and low; I see something out of the corner of my eye as I’m walking. I turn back, shine my light on it only to find my lover hanging from a tree. 

I blow the whistle with the whistle to let the other searchers that a body was found and changed my flashlight from the normal beam to a flashing red light so they could find my exact location. I kept blowing the whistle. A few minutes later, Mac and a few others - who were carrying an empty gurney - showed up. Mac called the park rangers and the police to give an exact location. 

I knew that I was going to be sick. I found a bush 3 yards  away and was sick. I rinsed my mouth out with water and used a medical grade mint mouthwash. I walked back to where I found my lover’s body. Mac warned me that it could be ugly. I told Mac that I’ve seen many ugly things in my life but seeing my dead lover wasn’t ugly as the other horrible things that I’ve seen. He turned green and said ok, stating that he didn't want to know...and I wasn’t going to share.

They were waiting for someone small but they weren’t expecting me. I told them that I was going to climb that tree to cut my lover’s body down and I expect them to catch him and treat his body with respect. Mac and his friend stepped up as I was almost ready to cut JS down. “Mac? He’s a big man, ok? He’s 6’6 and is about 220 pounds to 240 pounds. He’s going to drop and he’s going to drop HARD!” 

Mac nodded as he and his friend moved closer with a net. I yelled down that I was cutting the rope and to expect my lover’s body; they were ready and they gracefully grabbed his body, placing it on the gurney, put a white sheet covering his body and strapped him in. 

A phone went off and Mac realized it was his, telling me that my mom was calling him; I don’t recall he or I giving her his number. I told him to answer it and tell her what happened. I heard her screaming and I fainted. 

I woke up in a local federal hospital a few hours later; my family, Mac, his wife and JS’s family were in the room. Everyone looked like they lost sleep, had been crying and acting like they’ve seen me dead. I asked for water and my babies; they arrived seconds later and I fed them. The morgue called me requesting that I call someone I knew and trusted to take care of JS’s autopsy.  My brother knew who it was and he gave them a call right away.

I tried to get out of the hospital bed but there were too many wires. A nurse came in so I asked her to take everything on me and in me off and out, she said she couldn’t do it unless the doctor ordered it so I did it myself. I ran straight to the bathroom to vomit; I knew something was off since I rarely vomit twice in 30 hours.

The doctors were all called in and said that I passed out due to shock of finding my love, hanging dead in a tree and confirmed that I’m pregnant. I started to cry because my babies will be too young to remember their daddy and the new one will never know who their daddy was. I know that having an abortion came across my mind but one death in my immediate family was enough (I’m supportive of women who decide to have an abortion and I’m also supportive of women who can’t/won’t due religious or other reasons they have). 

I tell the doctors to get the ‘against medical advice’ paperwork ready because I need to go home, be both parents to my children and plan my love’s funeral. My mom and JS’s mom helped me get dressed, packed up my stuff and when I was ready, the paperwork was brought in. I didn’t read anything except where I need to sign, date and initial. Since I’m a notary as well, I found my notary kit and notarized it myself before returning it to the nurse. I thanked her and everyone on my care team.  Both families and I left

Back at home, I had my dad read through the will to see what JS wanted. He was an organ donor so I signed whatever paperwork needed to for the donations. We also saw that JS - since he was in fifth grade - had been a multimillionaire because a great aunt, great uncle or great grandparents or great whomever died and left him money. 99% of the money is going to our kids (the will included the born and any fetus of JM’s that I was carrying at the time of his death) and the rest of the money is going to whatever charity I choose. The 1% is several million dollars. I chose suicide awareness.  

I finally received the autopsy report. There were zero levels of alcohol, illicit drugs or controlled drugs in JS’s system, low levels of his BPD meds and the brain scan showed a malignant tumor the size of a kiwi. The pathologist said that the tumor caused the suicidal thoughts and unlikely behavior of JS (yelling and screaming at me) according to the oncologist and neuro doctors, there was nothing that could be done to fix it; JS could either wait for death or meet death face on like he did. 

We planned a small memorial service outside for JS at his favorite park.  Thousands of people attended; all of them were touched by JS in such a positive way that they paid everything forward just like JS did throughout his life. Many of them asked who I was and they all looked surprised since they weren't aware that JS was seeing anyone. As per JS’s request, his memorial service and funeral was non religious. We laid him to rest - privately - at his family mausoleum.

When the funeral ended and his extended family dispersed, I tapped his lawyers’ arm to get his attention; when he turned around, I demanded that we talk with zero lies and zero hiding anything. The lawyer was surprised I called him out. We walked into a room in the maintenance building of the cemetery, we sat down. I asked why everyone asked who I was and when I told them that they looked surprised. The lawyer asked if I had multiple scars in a circle shape and if I remembered anything. I said yes I have the scars he mentioned and I remembered getting hit by something that hurt so much, that they felt like mini bombs exploding, getting slammed to the ground by a boy around my age and waking up in the hospital seeing my family cry. The lawyer said that JS was in the same town I was and at the same time; he saw a younger girl get hit by bullets and shrapnel from a robbery gone wrong and that he knocked down the girl to protect her; that girl was me. 

I wanted to believe it but the lawyer had JS’s diaries, JS’s saved newspaper clippings about me and wrote about me in his journals. JS stated in his journals that he started loving me that day and if we were to cross paths later in life, we were to date, marry each other or just love each other and have kids. This was 10 years prior to my freshman year of high school; JS eventually told my brother some time in high school. 

This made me cry and made me love JS even more. We were on and off for 16 years before he died. He gave me 3 wonderful children, his love and I was happy for the time we had  

**Five years pass by**

It’s been years since his death. I no longer tell people that I’m a high profiled government employee but instead an HR supervisor on a very LARGE company, I tell people that my husband died in accident and we were a normal and happy family doing the best we could since his death. Thankfully, the three kids understand what happened since they are older now. 

The kids and I needed to move to another house because we couldn't live there anymore without crying almost everyday; it wasn't healthy. I put the house on a market and decided to move to a mini mansion that had three smaller houses on the property. I brought both my family and JS's family to see the property and the houses; they loved the property as much as I did. It was agreed that we'd move here. It was still in the same school district as the kids were in and the house was much closer to their friends as well.

We told the kids and we all chipped in packing up what we wanted; JS's parents and I made a tough decision of donating his clothes to homeless shelters, his two vehicles went to families of cancer patients so they had a more reliable transportation to go get treatment and we donated most of his tools to non profit organizations that built houses while I kept the remaining. We - my family and JS’s family- kept a few small things of JS’s that we felt were important to us. I kept his high school varsity jacket, high school ring and from his safety deposit box from a bank, he had left a note written for me with some expensive jewelry and $18,000,000 in cash. The note explained that the rings were my engagement ring, wedding ring and his wedding ring and the cash was for emergencies. There was another note stating that once realtors knew our house was up for sale, they all were to lead me to the house I was buying; I’m forever grateful for that.

Two weeks later, we all moved in and helped each other with unpacking and getting each house turned into a home.  Both families eventually sold their houses previous houses; they wanted to pay rent but I told them it was unnecessary. It feels amazing to have JS’s parents, my brother and my parents close by so they can see their grandkids, niece and nephews often. 

I eventually retired from that job about 6 months after the move. I was a high paid government employee and held many jobs with the government since JS’s death; I can’t disclose much due to security reasons as I signed multiple NDA contracts. What I can disclose to people I meet is that I was a certified pharmacy tech in a building owned and run by a private corporation and became their HR supervisor before working for a high security job within the private corporation. Many have guessed who I worked for and they are always wrong. 

I do some moonlighting with the government now for a few different agencies but due national security, I can’t disclose any information. It often takes me away from my kids but I know that my family, my kids’ “Uncle” Mac, and several of my close friends who know what I do have a great system in place and have many people who love them very much. 

My kids were healthy and happy, thrilled that they had grandparents and an uncle 25 yards away, near friends and near the playground. Many people who don’t know me or what happened with JS tell me that they respect me because I raised 3 kids and worked for a large corporation as a single mom; I’ve tried to explain that I was able to do it because of help of family but they don’t believe me; they thought I was SuperWoman.

Recently, my kids, my family and JS’s family asked if I’m ready to move on and start dating again. I chuckle, explaining  that there’s NO moving on from finding your lover dead by suicide nor that I’m ready to date seriously but feel like that I’m cheating on JS so I can’t bring myself to it and it’ll be some time; I have gone dates but it’s just been a date here and there but no man got a second date since it felt like it was wrong.

I started seeing a therapist months after JS’s death because I was traumatized and still continuing therapy. I know JS’s parents go 2 to 3 times a week and still go; my family went for a year. It still hurts like hell for all of us but we’re there for each other.

Maybe one day, the pain will be ok enough that I can live a fuller life with a future partner. I do spend time with my friends either by myself or with my kids; I love my friends, they love my kids and my kids love them and I but I can always see a little pity  mixed with sympathy in their eyes. It’s a little tiring but I know that they care. They tried to talk with me about it but it’s rough (even with my therapist!) and they know that I’m not shutting them out when they bring up JS’s death. They know that I will never admit it, JS was the love of my life and no one could ever replace him....I don’t want anyone to. In my heart and mind, I call JS my husband. We didn’t need the fuss of actually getting married nor having a marriage license. I did legally change my name so the kids and I share his name. I should’ve done that before but I didn’t know that he was going to end his life.

No matter what I do and no matter where I go, JS is with me; I can’t see him but I can feel him, sense he’s with me and sends me signs that he’s never left me. Most mornings, I see an indent in his pillow and sometimes I swear he just walked by because I can smell his natural scent mixed with the cologne that he often wore; it was manly but yet soft; if I could bottle what he smelled like before he died, I would have.

I miss him the most in the morning and at night when it was just us. We’d lay in each other’s arms listening to each other breathing and their heart beating. Sometimes, we’d take this time to just make love...no rushing, taking our time, listening to each otherwise bodies and desires...we were one body, heart and mind. He was my perfect partner and I was his. I still bare the many scars that brought us together and kept us together. 

I still wear my rings every day and his ring on my necklace. I feel his ring on my skin daily as a reminder of his love for me; sometimes I feel like the ring is warm from his touch but I know it’s from wishful thinking. I look up at the sky every single day knowing that he’s out there looking out for me and our kiddos. Sometimes I think I hear him call my name or whisper his nickname for me. 

I wish he were still with us; we’d have another child or five, watch them grow up and have lives of their own and we’d grow old together. At night, before falling asleep, I imagine what we’d be like as an older couple….my favorite thought of us would be that older couple who’d never be able to keep their hands off of each other and still have crazy and passionate sex. 

I feel relieved

It’s been less than 2 weeks since I walked away from both Vince and C. I’ll love them both because they were a big of my life - one longer than the other - but I don’t want to be “fought over” by two grown ass men. It’s weird at my age to have guys act like middle school aged boys trying to one up the other. 

I don’t want to say that Vince was controlling towards the end - when I shared with him that C wanted to meet up - but that’s what it definitely felt like. C was acting like he was trying to take me me away from Vince despite having a girlfriend; don’t know if that was his intention or not since I haven’t spoken to him in over a week. 

I believe that both Vince and C care about me to an extent but they showed it all in the wrong ways. Vince - 19 yrs older than me - tended to be overprotective of me (which is kinda sweet but also a massive pain in the ass) whereas C is within my age range (give or take a year) wanted to protect me from myself since I over think (which is sweet). 

At the end of the day, between the 3 of us, despite all of us wanting what’s best for me, I’m the one who knows what’s truly best for me; it’s my life and I know where I want to be. 

I’m done with Vince and C

I’m done with both Vince and C. I love and respect Vince but I don’t appreciate that he’s trying to dictate who I do and do not see; I’m an adult - not too far from being 40 - and he’s trying to tell me to that I’m not “allowed” to visit with my former lover when it’s safer.

I miss C and the weird FWB relationship we had a few years back but I didn’t appreciate him ghosting me (and he finally apologized to me about it today).  I told I forgive him but I was I wasn’t bothered by it at all; I was beginning to getting tired of of him. Was the sex amazing? Heck yes! Did his “member” make me cry because it was gorgeous AND amazing? Yes....it was glorious. Best sex I had at that point in time? Yes.

The fact of the matter is, I can’t be the “other” woman for C or anyone else for that matter. I was the other woman for 3 years and it nearly destroyed a marriage. C is slightly different because of the girlfriend but I’d stay the other woman IF I continued to talk to him...he’d try to sweet talk me into having sex again. 

If he texts (or calls me) tomorrow, I’m just going to say: “C, thank you for the time we were together as FWBs. I had a good time and you had a good time. You have a girlfriend and I’m not interested in being involved - in anyway - in your relationship with her. You can choose spending time with girlfriend or you can choose to get yourself involved with me, destroy your relationship with her, have that relationship end because of me, then turn around to blame me and walk away; again. This is my decision; I choose to walk away. I’m not going to be your friend, I’m not going to talk to you while you’re in a serious relationship, I’m not going to be involved with you sexually while you’re in a relationship; if there is a time when we’re both single - at the same time - we can try to be FWBs again. Until then? I’m walking away until you can promise me and prove to me that you’re single. I have too much self respect for myself to be the “other” woman again. Best of luck in your relationship, enjoy it and I wish you well in you’re future endeavors!”

The rest of 2021 is going to be me focusing on me and not dating anyone (man or woman). I will continue to be friends with both my male and female friends but there will be NO romance. 

I’m done with 2021

And it’s not even the end of January yet. I’m tired of Vince’s super over protective attitude (like wanting/needing to come with me to meet up with C), texting me to make sure I’m wearing my mask when I’m out taking a walk with my dog, constant reminders of when (and where) my medical appointments are, etc. I’m tired of C trying to get me to have sex with me again (he’s FANTASTIC by the way) but he has a gf. I keep telling him no because we are both seeing people (even though Vince and I don’t give a title to what type of relationship we have). 

I have a male friend, M, who I’ve met through a previous church (he was the youth pastor, I was out of high schools for 7 yrs by the time we met; he’s still religious while I float between agnosticism and atheism) who’s constantly there for me even though there’s an 8 hr time difference between us. He is my only male best friend. M is one of those friends who does NOT judge their friends but supports the heck out of his friends. He knows about the stuff going on with Vince and C; he believes I should end it with Vince and leave C alone. 

I 100% agree with M on ending it with both Vince and C; they’re both annoying the fuck out of me. Both are great guys - separately - but once they knew someone else had my attention, it’s like they’re both fighting for me. Ugh. I can’t even deal with one guy being interested in me. 

I’ve been talking with my closest BFF (I have 3; bff from childhood, one from both my community college AND from our state college and the other from the state college....Talking about my bff from the community and state college) about the whole situation. She insists that I’m beautiful (we’re best friends and soul sisters - friends who are as close as sisters) and isn’t surprised that guys are fighting over me but does agree with M that I should end it with both Vince and C because at my age, this is a bit ridiculous. She did make me laugh by saying that M is interested in me. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. LMFAO. Anyways, the last thing I need is 3 guys interested in me. 

I’ll definitely think about what my friend M and my college bff, KB, said....get rid of both of Vince and C. This isn’t healthy at all; not for me nor for them. It doesn’t help the fact that there’s a MINUSCULE chance that M *might* be interested in me.  

Ugh. FML 

This cold weather is BS

I don’t want you, my dear followers, to know where I live (I love anonymity & privacy) but what I can & will share that it is winter where I live; we get snow, cold weather during the day and even colder nights (drops 10* F to 25* F a night). I’m NOT in the Arctic continents nor Arctic nations. 

This weather is complete BS. Yes, I hate cold weather and hate sleet, icy roads and snow even worse; makes me miserable. Even with the heat on and set at a reasonable temperature, I’m wearing thermal pants, lounge pants, long sleeved thermal shirt, long sleeved shirt, flannel shirt, sweatshirt, thick socks and warm slippers, I’m still cold. 

On the colder days, I use a heating pad - either on my stomach or back - to help me get warm and stay warm; as those days, I tend to shiver. I’ve been known to run warm to hot water over my wrists, hands and feet...it helps me to feel warm and oddly enough, it works 

I’m not having any luck this year

I’ve been feeling tons better as I recovered from the flu but I started to go down hill. I kept clearing my throat (post nasal drip), congested nose that a 12 hr decongestant, nasal saline solution and an allergy nasal spray didn’t do the trick, cold meds weren’t doing the trick either. 

I finally had it and made an appointment with my doctor. As frustrated as I was that it was a virtual appointment, I’m grateful that they are maintaining their policy of “If you have any similar symptoms of Covid, we are unable to allow you into the building for the safety of everyone else.” I have a sore throat (from the post nasal drip), minor cough (from the post nasal drip),  congestion/runny nose and chills. 

To clarify - I have NOT been anywhere near a person who has Covid. I usually am home but when I do go out, it’s to a local park with one of my dogs (I see other people but I stay at least 30 YARDS away from them and wear my mask), the doctor’s office for the first shot of the Covid vaccine, seeing my oncologist and pulmonologist in person (typically kept on the shorter side but drs are still thorough and go to both on the same day since are both located in the doctor’s office building attached at the local hospital), and going through the drive thru window at my pharmacy. But other than that, I avoid entering buildings. My overall health is not the risk. 

Once I get the second dose of the vaccine, it won’t be as effective as it is until 2 weeks after the second dose. 

So I finally decided

I’m an adult and decided to meet up with C after we’re both vaccinated with both shots. As much as I care about and love Vince, I’m not a child nor is he my father, I don’t think it would be appropriate for him to be there nor be within minutes away. I appreciate the fact that Vince wants to be nearby just in case I need an excuse but that would be weird because I’d be driving myself to where C & I meet up. He could always call and feign an emergency. Why would I need anyone to come get me if I drove? I understand it if it was because I had too much to drink or there was an emergency or if someone brought me but there’s no reason when I’m meeting an old lover - who I haven’t seen in a few years and feel indifference towards. 

I don’t feel like C would hurt me in anyway. He hadn’t physically, mentally or emotionally abused me at all and he doesn’t have an reason to do so now. Do I trust him 100%? No. Do I trust him at all? Just enough to know that he wouldn’t harm me. He wouldn’t risk his job nor his relationship with his gf by hurting me in anyway; he isn’t stupid. A pain in the ass? Yes. 

Talked with Vince

I shared with Vince that C came back into my life unexpectedly and wanted to hang out with me when we're both vaccinated and after we isolated. To be honest? Vince wasn't thrilled that my former lover came back into my life. I don't blame him at all. If an old lover of Vince's came back into his life, I wouldn't be happy either. I'd make a point that I would NOT be in the same room as her nor meet her. And yes, I am aware that everyone has a past. I have my own as you've read, right? Right.

Vince and I talked about this and we agreed that if C and I decided to follow through with meeting up, I would suggest a public place where #1. we could be socially distant to be extra safe #2. people would be around so there would like to be less of a chance that C and I would have sex #3. Vince would be within a 2 minute drive to come pick me up if I needed it. #4. there is a possibility that despite what Vince and I have and despite what C and his girlfriend have.....both C and I could walk away together as lovers again. Vince, clearly, didn't like #4. I don't blame him and I would be the same if it was he and one of his former lovers. We didn't need to talk about how many times C & I have had sex, nor where or how, etc. but he knows that we were lovers for about 2 yrs and we were quite "compatible" shall we say? 

When Vince and I are together intimately, it's quite different than it had been with our previous lovers/significant others/intimacies. There was passion, etc. in our previous relationships/lovers/intimacies, but this is Vince and I and where everything is different. Our appreciation for each other's intellect and appreciation of the other one's body and skill in bed is our own. We do NOT allow the ghosts of past relationships/intimacies to come in between us; not when we're gearing up, not during and not afterwards. It us and us alone. It was hard at first - on occasion - since we both accidently slipped names of previous intimacies so for a bit we agreed not to say each other's names or any terms of endearment until we could naturally utter each other's names. 

I am in a precarious situation here. I care as deeply for a man as deeply as does for me when a former lover comes back into my life and throws a curveball in my direction. Did I care about C when he and I were intimate? Yes; until we both found someone else. Was C the same when it came to me? Yes; until we both found someone else. Did C and I ever love each other? I didn't love him any more as I would a friend but not sure about him towards me; I don't know what went through his head then nor do I know anything that goes through his mind now. Will I always care for C? To a certain degree...there is no way to forget what we had nor forget what we did. A small part of me will always care for him and I wish him well in his future endeavors. Will C always care about me? I don't know. I think an even smaller part of him does to a point - he reached out to wish me a belated birthday; which is the first time in the 2 or so years we walked away from each other that he's done that. 

Despite where he and I with each other right now, I am grateful for him because he taught me so much about my body; what I like, dislike, enjoy and hate during sex. Prior to meeting him, when I had sex with a man, it was mutual pleasure of each other but with a hint of more his pleasure than mine. With C - of course, after him as well - I had a voice that I used to share what would and would not give me pleasure. Now, with Vince, I can use my voice to share with him what I would enjoy and be able to let him know how much I enjoy Vince's touch, passion and everything else

My birthday and C

So my birthday was the other day. I just stayed home with my family, played games, lounged around and stuffed my face. What else can an Italian ask for, right? (FYI - the family that stayed home is the family I live with so we have our own bubble; Corona is pretty scary right now). 

I received an Instagram message from C a few hours ago to wish me a belated birthday. I was rather surprised since we walked away from each other a few years ago. I thanked him and told him that I was surprised that he remembered. Mind you...he has a girlfriend and I’ve been on & off with Vince for a little bit. 

C asked me if we could meet up once we’re both vaccinated. I told him that once we’re both fully vaccinated, we (meaning him) isolated for 2 weeks; he was pissed but I have boundaries when it comes to my health. He finally agreed. I reminded him that he’s got someone and I’m casually seeing someone & I don’t want to muck it up. I **know** C...I know that he has a history of being unable to control his erections around me. 

I don’t know how to feel to be honest. I’d love to see him and talk face to face but then again, I dread it because knowing the both of us, we’d most likely have sex...normally I wouldn’t mind if he wasn’t with someone and I wasn’t on & off with Vince. I just don’t want to fuck it up. Sure Vince and I won’t/don't label ourselves but we’re sorta kinda not really dating. 

If both C and I were fully unattached, it’d be fine. And if I wasn’t still hurt (a little bit) when he walked away; which I saw coming but refused to see it. Just don’t know what to do. 

Vince. Again

Unfortunately due to me having the flu, Vince and I weren’t able to meet up to exchange Christmas presents and spend time together. I know that I’ve been on an antiviral for about a week but I didn’t want to get him sick. I doubt that I’ll need to take the second antiviral medication. 

My birthday is in a week so hopefully I’ll be feeling better and we can spend the weekend together. 

So I have the flu

I’ve been feeling under the weather for about 2 days so I called my doctors office. Due to current constrictions due to Covid, the office has certain guidelines if you will; anyone who has symptoms of Covid or the flu must have virtual appointments...if the office deems it necessary, the patient with said symptoms can come to the office, park in the parking area, call the office and someone on staff will bring out a Covid or flu test, swab you, go back in, run the test and call you/come out to you with the results. 

I had a virtual visit yesterday and they had me swing by to swab me. I waited the 10/15 minutes for the test to be run so I closed my eyes and I was out cold in seconds. I didn’t hear my phone ring so someone on staff came out and knocked on my window - which was rolled down a bit - and called my name. I woke up, put on my mask and rolled my window down all the way. They confirmed that I had the flu. I’ve had it before 2 yrs ago and it was brutal; even with the antiviral it was bad. 

So they sent two prescriptions of the same antiviral; one to fill right away and the second one as back up. They knew that my insurance would cover the first prescription but not sure about the second so they said that they already called my insurance company and the insurance company said that there should NOT be an issue with the second one. I thanked the staff and called my pharmacy to let them know that I’m on my way. They said that they’d fill the one and put the second on hold (meaning that they’d put the information into my profile but not fill it unless I call to request it). 

My pharmacy is almost as good as my doctor’s office. They are on point no matter how busy it gets. By the time I got to the pharmacy 15/20 minutes later (had to go past my house - 8 minutes from the doctor’s) and drive another 9 minutes to the pharmacy. Thankfully it was ready when I got there. 

I put on my mask and gloves as I wait in line at the drive-thru; the less people that I infect/get sick, the better. I don’t want anyone to get the flu...especially the ones that are medical professionals. 

After waiting in line for less than 5 minutes, it was my turn. I gave my name - spelling the first 3 letters of my last name - and my date of birth. They came back with the antiviral, a bottle of vitamin c and a bottle of zinc supplements (this is why I said that they’re almost as good as my doctor’s office). They rang me up, I paid and they said that they wish I feel better soon. I thanked them profusely for their help and getting the zinc and vitamin c. 

I got home, took off my shoes in the garage, sprayed some Lysol on my clothing (just a light covering), ran upstairs to shower, tossed my dirty clothes in my hamper, ran downstairs to start my laundry, ate and took the antiviral, the zinc and vitamin c then went back to bed. 

My family cooked for me, thankfully, since I achy and felt miserable. They left a tray of food for me outside my room and went downstairs. I then opened my door - mask on - grab the tray, eat, put the tray out and let them know I was done. They put on a mask and gloves, grabbed the tray, went downstairs and put the tray and the dirty dishes/glass/silverware right into the dishwasher to wash right away. I’d fill up my water jug from the tap in my bathroom - which, surprisingly, is filtered. I’d spray Lysol after me even though I was wearing a mask. My family members are both in their late 60s and high risk for both the flu AND Covid; I’d rather be safe and protect them instead of infecting them. Isolate away!

Finally feeling a little bit better and in a few days, we’ll finally be able to exchange Christmas presents. Within a few days of that is my bday. Hopefully, I’ll be able to NOT wear a mask and eat with them. 

Vince

It’s been a few months since we last saw each other. School started up again and he’s been busy with virtual and in school classes as well as marching band. We’ve texted and called each other almost every day; he’s busy with lesson plans and shit and I definitely don’t want to bother him constantly. When I’m the one starting a conversation, I ask how he’s doing and wish him a great day....then leave it at that. Just want him to know that I’m thinking about him. When he’s the one reaching out first, he also asks how I am and wishing I have a good day, he calls me by my favorite nickname....I’m NOT sharing it! #sorryNOTsorry 

Vince knows that I respect the time he’s teaching and writing lesson plans and won’t bother him so I usually let him continue the conversation. The less drama the man has, the better. I don’t want to come across as a nag. If I nag, no sex. Plus he’s a man...men need their space and they hate nagging. He appreciates the space. In the past, he’s shared with me that a few of his previous relationships ended because the gfs were constantly nagging him no matter what he was doing; at school, with friends, out on his motorcycle, etc. 

Even though he and I have a relationship more along the lines of a “friends with benefits”...we also maintain a real friendship where we just hang out and talk. We both feel that it’s healthy to have both type of relationships. When one of us or both of us are unavailable, we maintain the ‘normal’ friendship but when we’re both single - which is more often than being in a relationship with others - we have a good time. We definitely do something a little “special” for each other’s birthday! 😉 It’s not really wild but we cook the other one’s favorite meal, favorite wine and favorite dessert..... and a little hanky panky. 

We have a great thing going on. We’ve discussed taking our friendship and turn it into something more serious; dating. We tried it out for a few months but it was just awkward. We felt like we ALWAYS had to spend the night with the other, spend  almost every waking second with each other, etc. but that put a bit of a strain on our friendship. 

We decided to take a month break from each other - no calling/texting/emails - just to recenter ourselves as individuals. We came back stronger in our friendship; we could now say: “I love you!” to the other and know that it’s 100% platonic. Sure we kiss each other’s cheeks when we greet each other and when we say goodbye (and make out as our foreplay - among other things - before we have sex) but it doesn’t mean that we’re in love with the other...we both tell our other friends (mutual friends and our different groups of friends) that we love them so it wasn’t anything unusual for us to say it to each other or other friends. 

I do miss spending time with him but we both are being careful right now due to Covid. I’m high risk due to a chronic lung condition and history of cancer and he’s high risk because he is approximately 18 years older than me. We both get tested for Covid before we make plans to see each other; we both need to have negative results, no coughing (from colds and/or infections) and no nasal congestion (from colds and/or infections). We don’t want to get the other sick with what we may have. 

We hope to see each other next weekend and again for my bday weekend (2.5 weeks after Christmas). Next weekend will be holiday stuff; I was raised in a Christian household and he was raised in a Jewish/Catholic household. We want to cover both Hanukkah and Christmas. We’re both of Italian descent so it’s the Feast of the Seven Fish but the kicker is that the seafood we get....is kosher seafood - which is typically eaten by non - practicing Jews - (the other food we order/make is also kosher when possible). We go through 8 bottles of wine - between the two of us - for the Christmas and Hanukkah meal (we start around 11:30 am)  

For my birthday....it will be all pasta and carb related. Gnocchi, fettuccini, bucatini, lasagna, angel hair, orrechette, etc. Vince makes many mean pasta dishes that comes with plenty of Italian bread on the side. We tend to go through 6 to 8 bottles of wine (we start closer to 11 am) throughout the day that we celebrate my bday (not necessarily on my actual birthday but near it; that way I can spend time with my family on my actual birthday). 

What I appreciate about Vince is that he’s always the calm in the storm, my rock, an amazing listening, great at massages (which always gets me in trouble, lol!), great friend, wonderful and generous lover, great kisser, kind hearted, slow to anger, and all around great person. 

My pets are keeping me entertained

I know that I don't speak often of my pets often....or at all but they are a big part of my family. We have 3 dogs and a cat. They all get along very well and they're quite spoiled. They live indoors and the only ones that go out are the dogs; they go out to take care of business and to play...thankfully we have a decent sized property and the backyard is fenced with 8 ft high fencing around 3/4 of the backyard and 6 ft. fencing around the remaining 1/4. Our cat is NOT allowed outside at all; although living in the middle of nowhere, our road is super busy (we have Amazon trucks, 18 wheelers, etc. driving our road daily and they go WAY over the 35 mph speed limit); we used to have indoor/outdoor cats  until the one went into the road and was, unfortunately, run over and died.

We have three large dogs (all over 75 lbs.) and a 12 lb. cat that used to weigh a whopping 18 lbs. Two of our dogs are the same breed and the other comes from the same country and our cat is a rescue cat; a number of years ago, there was some construction done on our road by the river and the construction workers would feed the cat and as they were finishing up their last week, they called the local animal shelter/vet to let them know. The animal shelter/vet found the cat and took him in, checked him out, vaccinated him and named him "Trout". 

We noticed Trout at the animal shelter/vet as we used to take our other pets (the typical cats and dogs) and there was Trout in a cat kennel. He was the cutest and skinniest cat we saw. We made a decision to adopt him that day; the vet believed that Trout was ~1 yr old but we believe that he was closer to 8 months old. We felt bad for him that he was a skinny boy and a little underweight, so we had made sure that his food bowl was at least half full at all times. In a matter of 3 years, a skinny little cat became a chonker of a cat. We did find a mainstream named cat food that has a 'diet cat food' that we've been giving to Mr. Chonker; it's been a slow weight lost for Chonker Boy, but he's lost 6 pounds....think it's taken close to 2.5 yrs for him to lose the weight.

Our dogs are all within their weight range; which is easy since they eat more than their weight in food, they have full access to the backyard and they get taken on walks 3x a week. Boy, do they shed though!! I vacuum everyday; sometimes twice a day and the dogs get brushed twice to three times a week and they're STILL dropping hair everywhere! 

Anyways....that's not what you're here to read about how entertaining my pets are! Mr Chonker acts like he runs the house above us humans and the dogs, but we humans just pretend to go along with that but do agree that he does rule over the dogs. He tries to keep the dogs well behaved; which isn't an issue for the older two since they're 4+ yrs old where as the younger one just turned 2 yrs old a few months ago. 

Chonker Boy and Big Dog - aka the oldest dog - are the BEST of friends; they hang out, sniff each other, Chonker licks Big Dog sometimes and they do take nap time together. Chonker and Little Girl - the only female dog - are pretty tight but not as tight as Chonker and Big Dog. Chonker and Little Girl are like "Princess and the pea" when it comes to sleeping on dog beds and both LOVE to be covered when sitting on our laps. Sometimes Chonker and Little Girl get in a kerfuffle when Little Girl gets too nosy in Chonker's tail end and sometimes she gets a little rough when playing so Chonker takes a few swats at her to get her back in line; this makes Little Girl turn around and start jogging away. 

Now Red Dog - the youngest of our doggy pack - just turned two a few months ago and no matter how hard we try to teach him manners like keeping his toes and nose off the kitchen table and counters (he can sit, heel, etc.) he likes to hunt for trouble inside and outside of the house. Red wants to play with Chonker BUT it's only on Chonker's terms....which is hardly ever! Red doesn't think that he's as rough as he is with Chonker and we DEFINITELY watch when they play! Red likes to lick and sniff every single hair of Chonker Boy but Chonker has little patience for this nonsense of Red's. Once Red indicates that he wants to play with Chonker, Chonker gets ready to swat and hiss at Red. After getting swatted a few times, Red jogs off and chews a bone or plays with a stuffed toy.

Like I said earlier, the backyard is fenced in so we can let the dogs have free reign back there. We tend to let Red Dog out by himself because he runs SO FAST and plows into people when he's running - his 'brakes' aren't the best lol! - and he can burn some energy. As soon as he sees a squirrel or a bird...it's the FUNNIEST thing. He starts storming towards the squirrel or bird but they hear him coming so they go off way before he can reach them! It's funny to watch because he thinks that he's protecting us from wildlife. 

I don't like being bored

I've been feeling pretty well dealing with cancer and the treatments but I dislike being bored; I'd much prefer working but unfortunately, I am unemployed. My previous employer let me go - officially - in June due to Covid. He couldn't keep my job open for me permanently and because of being high risk - both the history of cancer and being asthmatic - he didn't want to risk having me get sick.

 Look, I get it.....it sucks. Currently, there's approximately 12,600,000 people unemployed and since I tend to think the best of people....we're all looking for jobs. Jobs in the restaurants are far and few; business is slow. Mom & Pop shops aren't hiring many people, offices are hiring but either they like my experience but want someone has more experience or because I know my (work) value and I ask for what I believe that I deserve to be paid; I go to work on time and even if I'm going to be less than 5 minutes late, I still call ahead to give a heads up, I keep to myself, don't get involved in the work drama (though it can be tempting at times), I'm a pretty quiet person so I'm not constantly chatting up my coworkers, I don't spend much time on my phone while I'm working - unless it's work related - or if I'm having lunch, I keep my personal stuff private - other than the "How's the family? How are you?" pleasantries, leave my personal stuff at the door when I arrive and leave my work stuff when I leave, give the boss a heads up when I'm done with my work for the day before I leave; you get the drift.

So, here I am; pretty much at home 95% of the time applying for jobs, I go to my oncologist when I have appointments - the same thing with my primary physician, my pulmonologist and dermatologist - pick up my groceries order (place the order from home, go to pick it up), bring it home, sanitize everything, bring everything in and put it away. I do reach out to family and friends through out the day just to chat and to see how they're doing. Once, I did see my FWB but he stopped by and we were outside 8 ft apart to catch up; a few times I went to the local park when it is slow to take a walk (as in get out of the house to someplace where it's mostly safe for me to walk). 

The boredom is the worst, besides being kept awake by wondering when I'll have a job again. There's only so many times I can reread the books I have and use KindleUnlimited - trying to not reread the books I've already read - how many series I can watch on shared accounts of Netflix and Hulu and my own Amazon Prime. Setting up Zoom with family and friends barely helps pass the time; it just makes me miss my family and friends more. There's really nothing else I can do....I'm over knitting, reading, watching tv series/movies, crossword puzzles, actual puzzles, etc.

Some rambling

It’s been 2 years since I’ve last had sex. The first 1 1/2 years had been rough since I was working 5 to 7 days a week for my brother at his restaurant and it was exhausting!! I didn’t have a life; it sucked. It got to the point where I told my brother that I needed 2 FULL days off a week and he could handle his business on his own for 48 hours. I’ll tell you what; he was SO pissed off but I didn’t care. I kept getting sick every single month (mostly in the winters) and I didn’t have the time to see specialists who could help me (like an ENT when I had ear infections or sinus infections, my pulmonologist whenever I had bronchitis, etc). He ended up giving me a day and a half off; unfortunately it was on the weekends and I’d have to make do with a walk in clinic. 

Then Covid happened. He said he’s choosing to lay me off because I’m high risk due to a chronic lung condition (asthma) and wanted to protect me. I filed for unemployment that day and it took forever since a TON of people were also filing a claim. Thankfully mine was accepted; I heard from friends that also filed a claim around the time I did that theirs is pending and here it is (almost) October and their claim is still pending months later. I feel bad for them but there’s nothing I can do for them; I’d like to help them out monetarily but I’d be unable to pay my bills if I helped them.  

But being laid off and a few months later, ‘officially’ laid off, the only buildings I’ve entered is going to my general practitioner, my pulmonologist, my endocrinologist and my dermatologist. I really haven’t seen any family outside of my household; but everyone’s being safe. 

There has been one person, though, that I’ve seen outside of my house but he’s for another post

My former lover V

So I haven’t been in contact with V for years. I’m kind of grateful but at the same time, I’m not because I miss him. I shared more details with two of my three closest friends than I did with you guys but they still don’t know 100% of the details. As far as they know and as far as you guys know, he and I slept together a handful of times…the reality is that I was his mistress for the better part of two and half years.

I did know from the get go that he was married for a number of years before he started working for my brother. I don’t know how it happened or why it happened but somehow, we fell for each other. As some mistresses think and feel that their lover would leave their wife for them – the mistress – I had hoped for that too but I knew deep down inside that V wouldn’t leave his wife. I’ve heard this too often from other women who were involved with married men – their married lovers never left their wives. I knew, despite caring for him, that he wouldn’t leave her for me.

We had to be secretive about this from many people; my brother (the boss), the staff (45+ people) and his wife. There was only one server on staff at the time who knew about the first night. We - V and I - pretty much ignored each other on the days we worked together….the only times that we talked is when we got into work, a little bit at lunch time so I could tell him my lunch order, and when one of us left ahead of the other for the night.

After one Christmas Eve service, I was headed towards the restroom and nearly ran into him coming out of the men’s restroom, apologized and wished me a Merry Christmas. I knew that he was a rush to get to a Christmas Eve Mass and I told him that I’d walk out with him because I had something in my car for he and his wife. He said ok and followed me out; of course, me coming from a midatlantic state, went outside in December without a jacket; he came from a country in either Latin America or South America - I can’t remember each one – was bundled up in a sweatshirt, a jacket that was zipped up, wool knit hat and a pair of heavy gloves…shaking his head at me for walking outside in the winter without a coat. I’m part Italian and I have curves...ya think I need a jacket? Nope! I retrieved a bottle of wine out of my trunk and gave it to him. He gave me a full on hug, kissed me on my cheek and whispered that he’d rather be with me than with his wife, at mass, because Christmas Eve was NOT about Mass….it was being with family and with ones that you love. In Spanish, I wished him a “Merry Christmas”, moved my car closer to the back door, went to the bathroom, switched my shoes, grabbed my stuff and headed home. Normally it takes me 50 to 55 minutes to get home but it took over an hour; I was at work at 8 am (usually went in at 10/10:15) and left around 10 (normally leave around 8:30/8:45 pm). I was tired, hungry and in desperate for a shower. I finally got home a little after 11 pm, woke up my parents to say that I was home safe and sound, showered and ate a banana…I was too tired to eat anything else.

About a week later, I officially became his mistress. It was all about the secret texts, hiding everything. I’d tell my parents that I was staying at my brother’s and I was telling my brother that I was staying at a friend’s and my friends all said that they’d cover for me if it got to that point; they’ve also used me as their cover many times over the years for a variety of reasons so it was fair. They knew something was up but they all trusted that I was doing the right thing. At first, I felt guilty not sharing with them of what was going on but I eventually shared that I was “seeing someone” and that he wasn’t anyone they knew – I met him while I was “out” one night. They asked if they could meet him and I said that it was too soon for them to meet him but it was a possibility depending on how it was going. They kept on pushing and pushing to meet him and I told them that it wasn’t working out…..at that time it was true; we were fighting. I wanted him to stay the night with me on occasion but he said he couldn’t; I asked if he could tell his wife that he was “out with the boys” until early hours in the morning. We spend our days ignoring each other but all I wanted was a few more hours with him…making love. That’s what it was. It wasn’t fucking and it wasn’t sex; we had such passion for each other.

As the months went on, we fell in love. I knew before then that he was married but it didn’t stop us falling for each other. There were more than a hand full of times that he spent the whole night with me…to this day, I have zero clue how he managed that and it worked somehow. And I was grateful when he was able to stay the night. In the ass crack of the morning, I’d drop him off at a friend’s house near where he lives with the wife so his wife could bring him to work.

As much as we cared for each other, it was beginning to be difficult for both of us to work on the same days. There would be days that he refused to make my lunch and days that he’d tell the guys to NOT make my lunch for me. Word was going getting around to my brother that V’s disinterest in cooking for me and telling the guys to NOT cook for me. Shit went down that day. I was in the office doing paperwork, having another slice of pizza (that I loved) but didn’t want. My brother came in and asked me if I was spreading shit about V. I told my brother that out of ALL the staff, I know him the least and since I have limited information about him, why the fuck would I make shit up and spread it; I said that he never bothered me before and always seemed to be ok with cooking for me and if he was busy, he’d always ask one of the guys. I explained that the only problem that I had with him is that he’s now having issues making lunch and it wasn’t really that big of a deal. My brother said ok and asked me to step out of the office and yelled for V to meet him in the office. My brother talked to V about what was going on. V was coming up with all this nonsense; stuff I was saying to him and about him at the restaurant. My brother said that he’s NEVER once heard me say negative things in reference to him and if V wanted to stay working for him, he needed to shape up or he’d get fired. V said ok and walked away.

For the next two weeks, I ignored anytime that he text me or call me. I wasn’t playing games with V. He’d left me about 20 voicemails and however many texts in those two weeks; he kept saying that he was sorry and that he was frustrated living a double life and having a difficult time with it. Starting the third week, my brother pulled the both of us in the office to figure out our shit. I told my brother that I could actually care less if he kept V or fired him but IF he stayed, he’d have to shape up and stop causing shit, claiming that I was behind it. V said that I need to stop being a bitch towards him. My brother started laughing so hard that he almost pissed himself and told V that I was acting like a bitch towards him because he deserved it; causing drama that he – my brother – has no patience to deal with it because he’s a business owner.

As I left, V grabbed my wrist and as I spun around, slapping him as hard as I could across his face telling him to NEVER lay a finger on me again. The entire kitchen staff heard the slap and me yelling at V. My brother looked both amused and slightly annoyed; my brother could only laugh and tell V that I meant it…not to lay another finger on me again. I told my brother that I love him but I am ABSOLUTELY done with V’s shit and that I was going home. I don’t have the patience to deal with a man lying about shit I supposedly said, acting as if he actually wanted to apologize and act as if nothing had happened. My brother said: “Fine. Just this one time you can leave early in a situation like this. Come back tomorrow as per your usual time.” And off I went. I can’t tell you how many texts and calls V made to me as I was driving home. I was beyond livid with him. He knew how much I loved him and all the money I was spending on hotels; lying to family and friends of where I was staying.

I’d gotten fast food for me to eat when I got home; I don’t like my food boiling hot so I had my fast food at room temperature. And with the mood that I was in, I ordered a ton. I didn’t care that night. I got tired of him texting and calling so for the rest of the night, I blocked him; I needed to eat and I needed my sleep. I’d slept like a log. In the morning, I showered and got ready for work. As I was heading to my car, I unblocked V and shot him a text saying that as of that day, we were over; I don’t have time not the patience for a man/lover that acts like a fucking 2 yr old. I told him that I may forgive him but I need more than a month.

It had been 4 months before my brother had to call a truce between the two of us. My brother knew I don’t mess around with shit like that. He called us both into the office to kinda “force” us to talk to each other. Quick side note; my brother is a very strict boss but he will help his employees fix the shit between each other. 

My brother was joking that V was looking like a zombie because it looks like he wasn’t able to sleep and acted like a heartbroken teen boy for losing his gf and I was acting like a cold and heartless teen girl who broke her high school bf’s heart so brutally. He looked at V and said that I used this same tactic when we were growing up and that without a doubt his sister WILL win this pissing contest and that in this case, his sister definitely has the bigger 🍆🍆. He left the office and told us to fix it. I pretty much told V: “Fuck you, hombre! You caused this shit and now I’m ending it. As of right now, you are NOT to make my lunch/dinner orders, I will ask the other guys to take care of it for me since they have the utmost respect for me - not just because I’m the boss’s sister but because it’s a two way street of respect with them and I. Clearly you don’t have any respect for me. Come to me when you do!” I stormed off and all the guys on the line – including my brother – applauded me for standing up for myself. My brother had hugged me because I stood up for myself and that I had earned the respect of the staff at that moment as an employee, not as his kid sister.

The months had continued to go but that he tried to talk to me at work - on my way in, between shifts and as I was heading home. He eventually gave up. I was grateful and relieved at the same time. I had overheard him once or twice in Spanish – I could understand more than I could speak at that time – and walked away. He was telling the guys who would listen that he genuinely loved me and was frustrated with some personal stuff at the time and so he took it out on me even though he knew that I didn’t do anything wrong. One day, between shifts – I hosted during lunch, I was in the office between 2:30 and 4:45 and hosted from 5 pm to 8 or 9 pm depending on how busy it was – I had called his name and asked him to make me lunch; he asked me what I’d like and I told him to surprise me and that’s what he did. He’d made the best lunch that he ever made me – before the fight and before he left working for my brother the last time.

We started back on the “I’m his mistress” train and no one had found out. We continued like this for another year and a half. I never asked him to leave his wife for me because I knew he never would – he’s a super strict Catholic and doesn’t believe in divorces nor does he believe in annulments even though they’re acceptable in The Church - and I had to accept that I had him just part time. Those three little words were said between us multiple times; not just when we were making love but throughout the times we were together and occasionally managed it at work without anyone hearing. We were the happiest when we were together and saddened that I had to drop him off near his house. We didn’t want to end the time we were spending together.

Towards the end of the relationship, I used to “brag” (for a lack of a better word) – until then – about how punctual I was with PMS; I was never early and was never late. PMS came at the same time,  the same day and end on the same day every single month without fail until the last 3 months. I missed my period the first month and by the second month, I was throwing up  but I thought it was a stomach bug. By the third month, I went to Planned Parenthood instead of my primary physician; they did a blood test to make sure that I was pregnant. They gave me a call later that day with result over the phone verifying that I was, indeed, pregnant. I was heartbroken because I knew that V would NOT help me out financially – his wife would find out – nor would he help me raise the baby. I didn’t want my brother to ask any questions – I worked 10 to 12 hours a day, 6 days a week and he knew that on Sundays, I did laundry and slept for most of the day…he’d put 2 and 2 together knowing that I was knocked up by one of the guys and I didn’t want to get fired and I didn’t want V to get fired either.

I scheduled an appointment with my local Planned Parenthood for an early, early morning appointment for 7 am because I knew that with the abortion pill, they wanted to observe me for up to 2 hours…I wanted a little leeway to give myself time to deal with traffic on my way to work. Thankfully, I didn’t have any adverse reactions to the pill. They gave me two more; one to take 12 hours later and the last one to take at 7 am the following day.

I went to work like I normally would and acted like I normally would. Of course my brother being my brother knew something was wrong and pulled me into the office and asked me what was wrong. I did want to tell him but at the same time I didn’t want to. So I told him that I was going through some personal stuff but he kept pushing. Yeesh, older brothers I tell you! I told him in normal circumstances that I would but in this situation, he can’t help me; it’s OUT of his realm, he said ok and gave me a hug. I didn’t talk to or even look at V. I couldn’t look at him in the eye for the rest of the week. Clearly, he knew something was wrong.

He finally texted me after I had left that Saturday night to ask me what was wrong. I told him that I WAS pregnant with his child but not anymore. He called me after he received the text. He asked a ton of questions about everything; when did I get pregnant, was it his, did I have a miscarriage, etc. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. I couldn’t help myself and started to laugh. I told him it was and I knew it was his because I was his mistress and wasn’t having sex with anyone but him; I spent a quite a few nights a week with him and on my day off, I was doing laundry and napped…I didn’t have the energy to have sex with anyone else. He had asked again if I had a miscarriage and I said that no I didn’t but had an abortion.

As a staunch Catholic, he was upset that I took life away from a baby; his baby. I said that I’ve known since that he’d NEVER leave his wife for me and that he’d NEVER support the baby and I – if he did, the wife would kick him out. I did NOT want to ruin the marriage anymore than I already did so I made the decision of what’s best for me. I was NOT ready to be a mother (nor am I ready now), I didn’t want his wife to kick him out, and I didn’t want him to spend money on me. He was livid that I hadn’t gone to him to explain to him before I had the abortion. I said that I could care less what happens in the country where he’s originally from BUT living in the US, I have the choice of what I get to do with MY body and that I don’t need his – or anyone else’s – permission to get an abortion.

We didn’t talk for the next two months and I was relieved that the abortion pills worked, I didn’t have to worry being involved with him anymore and that he no longer had the desire to cook for me nor the desire for me. My brother noticed my improved mood and that I closer to being back to my happy go lucky meets sarcastic self. He asked if my personal shit is back together and I said that for the most part it is but there’s still something that’s bothering me and that I wanted to share with him. He lead me to the office and asked me what was up. I reminded him about all the bullshit said about me by V still bothers me and that after I accepted his apology but days later, he asked me to go for drinks and that one time I did but after repeated invitations, I kept saying no, thanks. I told my brother that it was just a few drinks and a ton of bullshitting; nothing physically happened and I eventually got everything situated after explaining to V that it was a one night thing for drinks, I shouldn’t have agreed due to who I am and that I wasn’t to socialize with the staff. My brother was annoyed that I went out for drinks with a married man, an employee of his, but at the same time he was grateful that I told him.

He called V into the office and shared with him what I told my brother. My brother asked him if it was a fair assessment of what happened between he and I; V lied through his teeth and said that it was. V explained that he wanted to get to know me a little better outside of work and despite he being a married man – a Catholic no less! – was interested in me but he kept it to himself. He shared that once I explained that I shouldn’t have socialized with him outside of work, it was a hard hit to take but he understood that I am his boss’s kid sister and he’s the employee, finally understanding why I hadn’t shared personal shit with anyone at work – besides my brother and his wife. V apologized to both my brother and I; saying that he’d understand **if** my brother wanted to fire him. My brother said that he knew something was going on between V and I but wasn’t sure what it was; he’s glad that we both “fessed up” and there won’t be any firing and he’d keep a closer eye on us for the next few months. We understood why and we didn’t like it but we knew that if we wanted to continue to work for him, we’d have to deal with it.

As the months went by, my brother let up, V started cooking for me again and my brother gave him questioning looks when V cooked a little “too” fancy for me…V had laughed it off and saying that he has more respect for me now than he did before and felt like he wanted to show it from time to time. My brother chuckled and let it go.

After 6 months of getting back to normal for the 3 of us, my brother called me and V into the office because V wanted to share something with the two of us; he had told his wife that he took me out for drinks and that she wanted him to quit because she didn’t want him to work with me anymore. My brother said that he wasn’t going to fire his sister and nor would he let his best line cook go so he had V call his wife – putting her on speaker phone – so both he and my brother could talk to her…I started to walk away but my brother told me to wait; I didn’t think there was a point because I understand just enough Spanish to talk with the guys but NOT to this level but I waited. As the wife was speaking, my brother had a translator app open and sharing what was said and translated it into English

In a nutshell, she didn’t want us to work together because she feared that I’d be the second mistress that V had since they’d been married; she didn’t trust me, not even as the boss’s sister. My brother had butt in explaining that it’s forbidden that I were to get personally involved with any of the male staff – obviously with the exception of my brother  – besides, I mostly talked to the female staff anyways. After a little back and forth, V said he’d stay for another year while my brother looked for another guy to replace him. He ended up staying for another 2 years before he found another job.

It was kinda interesting after those meetings that the 3 of us had in the office. The staff kept asking me what was going on in the office when it was the 3 of us, so at that point, I kept telling them to go speak to my brother since it’s not my business to share. It got to the point where the 3 of us had to meet in the office to have one story and for the 3 of us to stick to it. We decided that we’d say that V had issues coming in without a hangover – which is the truth – and tended to fight with me and another person – which was also the truth – and since I was considered as HR and my brother, well being the boss, had to get involved. V didn’t care much for it but he said that it’s true that it’s been hard to come in not messed up and his fighting with another employee.

V told me privately that he’s been hitting the booze since I’d told him about the abortion. I told him that isn’t an excuse. I told him that his wife NEVER found out about us, never will and should be grateful that I fudged the truth about us to my brother so neither one of us would get fired. He said that I was right. He then lightened up on the drinking, not completely, but hardly came into work hungover again. As his time was coming to a close, he and the “employee” stopped fighting and started working together as  a team again, we became friends (though that didn’t last for more than a year) and his relationship was better with his wife now that he wasn’t getting drunk so often.

We haven’t spoken in over 2 years. For the most part,  I miss him and our friendship, barely think about our affair and barely feel any guilt since we both cared about each other, don’t think about the abortion much and my brother doesn’t talk to him often; my brother is still oblivious that V and I had an affair – for which I’m grateful for.

I often think of V and wonder if he thinks about me or even the affair. I tell myself that he doesn’t think about us and tell myself that probably has a few more children with his wife. I never reach out to him anymore and it’s for the best; the less involved with each other, the better off that we are…and healthier.

Why is life so difficult?

I’ve been doing well part from both C and Javi; but to be honest, I actually miss C. I feel like he was more concerned about me after Accident #1 but once I posted the last time, he blocked me. I get why. I hurt him even though it wasn’t my intention. But c’est la vie.

After Accident #2, my ex from 10 yrs ago came back waltzing into my life. I wasn’t too happy with that because he cheated on me god knows only how many times; kept denying and denying, even though I knew of one case getting someone (his ex before me) pregnant. He denied that too; until a month prior to his child being born.

He keeps telling me that he’s trying to show me what I mean to him. I told him that he’s ten years too late……TEN years too late! He should’ve shown me when he had the chance prior to this nut job being pregnant. Both his mother and I had kept telling him that this woman is effing nuts and still in love with him; she wanted his child/ren despite no longer being together. He brushed it off and claimed that it was an accident that he cheated on me and getting her pregnant. I asked him multiple times then and a million times now; “How the eff is it possible that it was an accident that you guys started kissing, an accident that you guys started taking your clothes off and you accidently fall into her naked vagina penis first? It was NO accident! It was planned and you didn’t THINK that I’d find out.”

Even today, he still claims it was accidental (seriously, how can someone “accidentally” fall penis first into a vagina?). I keep calling bull shit on this nonsense. Several of my friends who know what happened ten years ago know that he’s back in my life; they keep asking me why I’m wasting my time with him. I told them to talk shit out, heal and then walk away.

Every few days, he asks me how I feel about him and I keep telling him that I’m indifferent. He then asks what he can change and I tell him that there’s nothing that he can do to change what he did in the past. He tells me that he wants to marry me in the future and I told him that he lost that chance 10 years ago. Was that mean? Not as mean as you think it was meant. Is it the honest to fuck truth? Yes.

It took me many years after him to realize how amazing I am. I’m smart, funny, have an acerbic wit, puny, sarcastic, I’m fiercely loyal to my fam and close friends, I’m generous.

Sorry for the long delay

I know that it’s been approximately 4 months since I last posted. Between forgetting my password, work, the holidays and being involved in another car accident, I really haven’t had much time. Since my employer has given me a month off, I figured that I’d reset my password and get posting again.

From early November through mid January, we had holiday party after holiday party……from the time our doors opened to the time our doors closed, it was nonstop parties. I was lucky enough to get a few minutes to eat in between services. But who I am within the restaurant – the executive chef/owner’s kid sister – I just smiled, said please and thank you then food was on its way to me……I didn’t care what it was, I just ate.

The holidays went by fast; I forgot my own birthday until my brother – aka my boss – told me the day before my birthday to take the next day off. I asked why, he said it’s because the next day was my birthday. I face palmed myself; unable to believe that I actually forgot my own birthday!! My bro jokingly called me a yutz, gave me a hug and let me out early.

After the holidays and the first half of January went by, we slowed down business wise but still had a ton to do. It gave me some time to actually sit down and enjoy lunch, and not feel stressed.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I was in my second car accident in less than a year. I was driving to work – wintery conditions – when someone in the lane next to me lost control of their vehicle, striking me and caused me to careen out of control across all three lanes of traffic and landed in the grassy shoulder by the right shoulder.

I had to fight with the trooper who arrived on the scene first that I was in shock and needed to go to the hospital to get my injuries from last year’s accident checked out. He didn’t believe me until I got my orthopedic’s office on the line to verify my injuries. The trooper finally called an ambulance and away I went to the hospital.

I had X-rays taken and nothing was broken but the doctor concluded that I had a contusion on my left hip, contusion on my left shoulder and a cervical strain. I was finally released and was given a prescription for pain and for nausea.

It’s been a rough 2 weeks since the accident. I can’t carry anything over five pounds; dusting and vacuuming is difficult.

          

My Javi

A few hours later, I wake up with a dry mouth. I slowly disengage myself from Javi’s arms so I don’t wake him; walking while hung over isn’t the easiest for me since I’m super clumsy. I go down to the kitchen to grab some orange juice, take more Tumeric, eat a little bit of crispy bacon and grab a few bottles of water before I head back upstairs.

I see that Javi’s still sleeping so I hop in the shower, brush my teeth and I start feeling more human. I go downstairs to see what I can do for breakfast for Javi. I’m far from being a cook but I start with making sausage, bacon, chocolate chip pancakes and blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs. As I’m making waffles, Javi comes down the stairs…..I hadn’t remembered that he left some of his clothes here the last time he was here a few years ago. He leans down, kissing me on my cheek, drawing me in for a hug.

“Morning,” I say, mumbling into his chest, smelling his wonderful cologne. “How did you sleep? Hope you don’t mind that I made some of my favorite hang over foods.”

“Hey, beautiful,” Javi says. “Slept great; feeling a little hung over. I’ll take some of that turmeric as I eat. Glad you made so much! Waffles and blueberry pancakes are my favorite hang over foods. Thanks for cooking!”

“Beautiful?” I ask blushing. “Hardly!! No problem; hope you’re hungry. If there’s anything left over, take it home with you but leave the bacon! That’s for me!”

“Yeah, you’re beautiful, baby doll!” he said. “You’re in it just for the meat, huh? Me and the bacon!”

We laugh and dig into breakfast, barely talking. Once he tells me that he’s full, I start packing up the food to send him home with but keep most of the bacon for myself. I stuff everything into my booze filled fridge, run up to my room to grab last night’s clothes and the sheets to wash, the bottles for recycling when Javi stops me.

“Babe. What are you doing?” he asks. “I don’t mind the mess. It’s your disorganized mess and it works for you. Just because I’m organized doesn’t mean anything.”

“I’m kinda embarrassed,” I admitted. “I’m afraid that in my drunken haze that I said something embarrassing.”

“Other than you wanting me to give up my apartment and move in with you? You’re fine,” Javi said. “You said nothing that you should be embarrassed by!”

I must’ve looked more relieved than I thought so he brought me over to the couch, stripped the both of us of our clothes, helped me lay down on the couch, spread my legs and entered my dripping wet center with his gorgeously perfect – and delicious – cock. He always feels amazing when he’s inside of me and he knows I can’t stop screaming his name when we have sex 

My old lover Javiar

                Very recently, I ran into my former lover, Javier. I haven’t seen him in several years due to a very bad – and public – disagreement. At the time, it wasn’t a healthy relationship…..there was a ton of jealousy on both sides. I absolutely hated the fact that he had absolutely GORGEOUS female friends; I felt super intimidated by that. He didn’t like the fact that I was screwing other guys.

                After work the other, night, I texted Javi and invited him to come over to spend the night; mostly to talk shit over. He said sure. We agreed to meet at a bar near my house; I arrived earlier than I planned and ordered a Jack & Coke.  By the time I order and finish my third, Javi arrives. I’m slow to get up since I’m still awfully stiff and sore from the accident.

                “Hey, Deppgrl. You ok, baby girl?” Javi asked me, kissing my cheek and gently hugged me.

                “I’m sore and stiff but ok, Javi,” I reply as I sit down. “I was in a car accident a few months ago. I have a torn rotator cuff, bulging disks in my back and a compression fracture in one of my lumbar vertebrae.”

                “Why didn’t you call or text me, baby girl? I would’ve been more than happy to help you out; driving you to the doctors, to work, whatever you needed,” Javi said.

                “With how we ended things the last time we saw each other, I felt that it would best that I leave you out of it,” I replied. “Besides, I’ve been able to get around with cars of friends and family members as well as a rental. I started physical therapy and now able to move a bit better.”

                “If you need anything, just let me know,” Javi said.

                “Let’s have some drinks. This trivial talk about how I’m doing can wait,” I said. “Let’s try to fix our past shit and move on.”

                “Sounds good,” he said. “I can tell you had a few drinks already. I hope you called a cab or something?”

                I nodded my head yes, made eye contact with the bartender. He came over, took our orders and walked away. The conversation was awkward at best. The drinks and the food helped a bit. After a few more drinks, I ordered a cab that brought us back to my house.

                Once we arrived, he helped me take care of the dogs and I took a shower. I had a stressful day and wanted a little help to wind down. As I was putting on my least sexy pjs – an over sized shirt that my grandfather gave to me days before he passed away – Javi stopped me. He took the shirt out of my hands, tossed it across the room and then started to caress my body, kissing and nipping my neck. I released a moan. Sweet baby Jesus! I forgot how this man could work my body.

                “Mmmmm, Javi,” I said. “I had forgotten how you well work my body. I’ve missed it.”

                “Can we continue?” Javi asked.

                “Yessssssss,” I moan. “Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop!”

                “I won’t,” he said as he’s stripping and laying me down on the bed. “Spread your legs for me, Deppgrl. I want to eat some dessert!”

                “Fuck, yes!” I moan and try to push his head closer to my wet apex, wriggling with pleasure. “Yes, baby. Don’t stop eating me. Fuuuuuck!”

                I lose track of how long Javi is eating me. He knows how much I really enjoy it but won’t ask for it since he knows that I enjoy pleasuring him in return. Javi uses his tongue and his fingers to enter my dripping wet apex, hitting my g-spot. I can’t stop orgasming and can’t stop screaming his name; begging him to continue.

                He eventually comes up for air, panting. I try to discretely look at the clock; I see that he’s eaten me for several hours. As I’m trying to adjust myself to pleasure him, he brings out a few bottles of water and some tequila. We drink the water and continue taking shots for some time.

                Despite being drunk, I position myself to pleasure Javi in return. I start stroking his cock and in no time, he’s hard as a rock. I wrap my mouth around his gloriously perfect cock and start sucking him like a fat kid loves chocolate cake; he’s grabbing my hair to pull me closer to his cock. Half hour or so later, he orgasms and shoots a massive load of cum down my throat. I gladly take it.

                I pour us both shots as we catch our breath. One shot turns into multiple; somewhere in the chasing shots, we manage to drink water so we wouldn’t feel terrible in the morning.

                “Javi?” I slur. “I’m gonna pass out……can’t drink anymore.”

                “Baby?” he asks. “Can I spend the night here with you?”

                “Yes,” I say.

                He lays me down on the bed because I’m unsteady but he’s as unsteady as I am. He kinda falls on me, making me go queasy. I close my eyes as my stomach does some summersaults, hoping that the sensation would pass soon. Javi giggles but he gets up, gets me some water and a bottle of Tumeric in the vitamin form. I chug the water and pop a Tumeric…..it helps with hangovers and fall asleep.

Car accidents suck

Sorry I haven’t been posting lately but I was in a gawd awful accident on my way to work almost three weeks ago; happened on May 30, 2017.

I was approximately 1.5 miles away from work – about a mile from the exit I needed to take in order to get to work – I was going approximately 70 to 72 miles an hour. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw someone behind me plowing towards me. I tried speeding up a little but that did nothing since someone was in front of me and I couldn’t go into the right lane (it’s a 4 lane highway; 2 lanes in both directions separated by a grassy median). The driver lost control of his car, went into the median, bounced back onto the road, hitting me. The impact was so hard that I had to fight to stay in my lane but I ended up in the grassy median.

I tried getting out of my car but I had to slam my body into the door to get it open and took a few tries to get it open but it eventually happened. I tried to see if I could help the other driver but he was alive but NOT really responsive. I went back to my car to call my brother aka my boss to let him know but he didn’t answer. I eventually texted him to check his voicemail and he did. He told me to get to the hospital ASAP. A witness came up to me to see if I was ok. I told him that I was in shock but I thought I was ok; he said that the other driver had to be going 80 to 90 miles an hour. Cops were called and they arrived not too much longer.

The ambulance came but ended up taking the other driver first. That had to put him on a back brace and a neck brace before he was put on a stretcher. A second one was called and brought me to the hospital as well. The hospital took X-rays and told me that the x-rays were fine but to go home, take Tylenol and Aleve and use heating pads. I was a little pissed at that.

My family came to pick me up and take me home. As soon as I got home, I showered and called the car insurance company to start a claim so that the ER visit would be covered by my insurance. They took care of everything.

The very next night I was coughing up blood, had stabbing pain in my abdomen and my neck. My step dad took me to our local hospital to get checked out. Once admitted to the ER, they set me up with an IV that contained saline solution to keep me hydrated, Morphine and Toradol for the pain and something else for my stomach. Not much longer, I coughed up a little more blood. The nurse took my blood and a urine sample. Eventually I was brought down for an MRI. That was read and they found “blunt force trauma” to my abdomen where the lap part of the seatbelt caught me and an old break of my tail bone. The ER doctor prescribed something for my stomach and Percocet for the pain.

I was discharged 6 hrs later and we went home. Once home, I passed out cold for a few hours. My step dad brought me to the pharmacy so I could drop off my prescriptions and then he dropped me off to so I could pick up a rental car. It took some time to get the paper work since I was spacing out from being tired. I stopped at the pharmacy to pick up my meds and then went home. I ended up taking both meds.

The following Monday – June 5, 2017 – I returned to work but only a part day and Tuesday was also a part day. The rest of the week, I was back on full work days. Friday June 9^th, I went to my primary doctor before work. He said that the reason why my back was still in so much pain was because my L2 (my second lumbar vertebrae) was compressed and the muscles around it were all knotted up. He prescribed another medication for my stomach and prescribed a muscle relaxant. On my way to work, I went to go pick them up. After a long week, I couldn’t wait to leave that night and go home.

As soon as I got home, I showered, got water for my night stand and took a muscle relaxant. Within 30 minutes, I was out cold until 2 pm. I was slow in getting up, showering, and slowly making my way downstairs. My mom and step dad didn’t want me to do any heavy lifting. After eating, I did some dusting and went to bed and slept until dinner. After dinner, I went back to bed. I slept most of Sunday as well.

Monday I returned to work and worked a full week. Friday night – last night – I went to the local chain drug store to grab a few things for my vacation in a week from Father’s Day and ran into my brother’s orthopedic surgeon. He knew something was off right away. He gave me his office number and told me to call first thing in the morning to make an appointment for Tuesday. I spoke with the answering service. Within 20 minutes, I received a call back. The receptionist told me that the surgeon told her to call me right away so I can come in. She was very pleasant to me and very respectful but at the same time it sounded like she had this tone in her voice like: “Who the heck is she to get special/preferential treatment from one of the top orthopedic surgeons in the state?” Little did she know that the surgeon considers both my brother and I as family.

The surgeon is a well respected man who takes his time with each of his patients, has a great bedside manner, makes sure each of his patients is heard and respected, and can put any of his patients back in one piece. 

Weekend getaway

Recently I took some time off of work; ended up with a three day weekend. I had told C and it ended up that he had those three days off as well. We decided to drive a few states south where it was warmer. Don’t start thinking that it was a romantic few days – it wasn’t. It was just a few days of us – as friends – getting away from work, life and having fun. A few months back, C had said that he’d like to cuddle a little bit under the stars before having sex, so I’d rented a small cottage like house that didn’t have close neighbors.

                We left early in the morning – about 6 or 7 – and arrived by 1 pm. He drove while I snoozed; I’m like a baby/young child who naps only in a moving car!! It was quick to unload the car and walked a little bit into town to a small café to grab lunch and grabbed a few things for dinner then headed back to the cottage.

                He grabbed some blankets for us to lie on as I grabbed some wine that I threw in the freezer to chill, a wine opener and a few wine glasses. It felt glorious to lie out in the sun and day drink, occasionally dozing. When we weren’t dozing or day drinking, we’d fuck not caring how loud we were; we did scare some wild life away but we laughed at that!

                After a while we eventually went in as the mosquitoes started to bite and I had made us dinner. We joked and went back & forth about to watch as we ate and drank more wine. We finally settled on a Will Ferrell movie that had us both in stitches. We cleaned up the kitchen, grabbed a few more blankets and those gross smelling citronella candles so we wouldn’t have more annoying bugs.

                By the time we were finished getting ready and opening up another bottle of wine – was this the fourth or fifth bottle? I can’t remember – the stars started to come out. I started to strip even though was a little chilly but I knew that between the cuddling, the blankets and us having sex, I’d warm up. C followed suit. Despite being on the heavier side – and him being more on the healthy and athletic side – I feel very comfortable with him seeing me butt naked.

                Once we were ready, we were off to cuddle/spoon or whatever you want to call it. It felt nice. I do have my protective side and we had bickered a little bit about who’s the big spoon vs. little spoon but he won out and he’s the big spoon but I actually enjoy it. He’s slowly teaching me patience and that I don’t always have to be the protector. We lay like that for a while, talking, drinking and looking at the stars. It’s peaceful, listening to the crickets; joking that the people on the airplanes above us can see us.

                C shifts my one leg behind me and on top of his hip, thrusting his hard, pulsating cock in my dripping wet cunt, spreading me. He pushes my hair off of my neck, kissing my neck, sending shivers down my spine; eventually gently biting me where my neck and shoulder meets. I yelp in pleasure, spreading my legs even further, “Yes, Daddy,” I moan as he rolls me onto my stomach.

“That’s my Deviant Kitten,” C says as he’s thrusting deeper into my cunt. “Show me what I do to you, my deviant, deviant kitten. Show me how much I please you!”

“Yes, Daddy!” I moan and raise my hips up so he can see my juices pouring out of me and so he can go deeper. “Do you see how wet you make me, Daddy? You feel so good in me, stretching my tight cunt!”

“Fuck, DK,” C says as he pulls out and helps me roll to my back, ramming his cock into my cunt. “Your tight cunt feels so good wrapped around my cock!”

“Daddy,” I say, panting. “Please choke me tonight! I’m a bad girl!”

“No, DK,” he said. “You’re not getting choked tonight. You’re getting something else!”

“Hmmmm?” I say, wondering what’s going on in his head. “What am I getting instead?”

“You’ll find out later, DK,” he panted. “Gotta make you cum!”

C distracts me by kissing my neck, tugging my hair and fucking me in my favorite positions. We finish together and I go back to being the little spoon. After dozing off a little bit, I notice that the citronella candle has been used up and the bugs are out again. I wake up C so we can grab the blankets and get in before we both get bitten by bugs.

After tossing the blankets in the washing machine, we go upstairs. I stop in my tracks to ask C what I was getting. He told me he hired a protective services team to keep me safe.

“Wait. What the FUCK do you mean that you’ve hired private security guards for me? I’m not a multi billionaire or anything. I’m worth whatever my assets are; like my car and whatever’s in my bank! What. The. Actual. Fuck?” I state.

“It’s to keep you safe,” he said. “Not to keep you safe from your clumsy self but to protect you from those who wish you harm. I swear to you that there is someone after you. Please understand that I want you safe and protected.”

“Was there anyone following us here? Anyone outside with us, hearing and seeing us?” I demand. I can’t explain to him how upset I am. “C, I’ve had people after me before. I’ve protected myself from the nut jobs who wanted me either severely hurt or dead. I can take care of myself. If you hadn’t driven us here, I’d demand that you leave and that I’d stay here but I’m not that mean.”

“Babe,” he said, leading us into the master bathroom. “It’s my understanding that this guy is more dangerous than anyone you’ve dealt with before. He’s an professional sharpshooter that’s trained with multiple foreign countries and their militaries; he does NOT miss a shot.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass of how dangerous this man is. Clearly he’s got the wrong person,” I state. “I have no secrets, I don’t work for any government, I keep to myself. If he wants to kill me, he’s invited to show his face to me, look me in the eye and try to kill me.”
“Please, babe,” he explains. “He’s closer to you than you think. You know who he is. It’s your uncle.”

“C,”I said as I stepped into the shower. “My uncles – my parents’ siblings – are deceased. You’re over exaggerating.”

                C let it go as we showered and got ready for bed. I went down to the kitchen to get us both a glass of water and when I went back up, C was staring at a picture and he looked as if he saw a ghost.

“What is it?” I ask. “You see a ghost?”

“No,” he said. “Something woke you up while we were outside and you went to investigate it. Someone took pictures of you in the brushes searching for whatever created the noise. Look at these and tell me you don’t seem concerned for your safety?”

“Let me see,” I say reaching for the photos. “These photos are of me just investigating the noise. It’s no big deal. It’ll be a big deal seeing me photo shopped as dead in a photo; which has happened in the past. This is nothing to worry about!”

“But…….” C began.

“No buts, hot stuff!” I said. “It’s time for bed.”

                We crawled into bed; C as the big spoon and me as the little spoon. Before I fell asleep, I felt C pull me closer to him, like he was personally trying to keep me safe.