Questions and doubts

After being here in the Vatican City for three and a half months, we still weren't much closer to find out who tried to get Benny killed. I couldn't hide my pregnancy from Mom and Don anymore but they didn't say anything. Well, at least to my face they hadn't but they definitely did to Vince. Thankfully I didn't have morning sickness – often. It’s nothing that a few crackers and ginger ale couldn't fix.

I’ve been noticing some strange things lately. The Swiss Guard and the Vatican Police were keeping their distance from me and weren’t looking to me for direction. I wasn’t sure what to think of that. Really, the only thought I had about it was that I’d been there for so long and I’m still waiting on my and Vince’s Italian citizenship. Oh and that I’m working independently for the InterPol.

About three hours ago, I decided to take a walk in the private garden set aside just for Benny. I wasn't armed and couldn’t wear my custom made Kevlar vest – I couldn’t wear it due to the pregnancy. I was off duty and needed some time to myself. Vince was getting to me a little bit; adding some stress which caused a strain between us. I began to question the marriage and why we got married within a week of coming back on a vacation with Joe.

I was wondering if I’d been that desperate to marry a man old enough to be my uncle. Am I in love with my husband? Do I love my husband as a person? Is he in love with me? Does he even love me as a person?

To be honest, I didn’t know any of the answers to the questions I asked myself. I knew that Mom and Don were happy for Vince and me. They truly believed that Vince and I were happy and in love. I didn’t want to deceive anyone especially myself.

Like I said, I was off guard. Okay, so I was distracted. I’m not going to lie. The next thing I knew was hearing a gun shooting and feeling a burning sensation on the upper part of my arm. I began to feel a warm stickiness trickle down.

I turn around and begin to sprint back to the papal palace. As soon as I enter, I whip out my cell phone my Italian doctor, Matt, to come visit me immediately. The answering service told me that they’d relay the message to him. I dash to my room, raid the medicine cabinets to find gauze. I’m lucky, I find gauze and I find medical tape. As soon as I have gauze and medical tape on where I was hit from the bullet I pass out on the floor before I could even make it half way to the couch.

Who knows how much time had passed after I lost consciousness but I woke up on the couch. Good old smelling salts did the trick to wake me up. I felt extremely groggy and felt such a tremendous pain in my left arm. I tried to lift my head up off the pillow; I only got my head up a few inches before feeling nauseous. I plopped my head back down. I asked everyone to leave the room so I could speak to Matt alone.

“Matt, what happened after I passed out or fainted or whatever you wanna call it? I’ve been shot before but never had I fainted or passed out afterwards. Did my body go into shock or something?”

“Maggie dear, you lost consciousness. Thankfully you were unconscious for only a few minutes. You feel groggy now because of adrenaline – your body knew that you had to get out of the garden and back here to protect yourself and your baby. Once inside a safe place, your body just shut down from using the adrenaline rush. You need to rest for the next twelve to twenty four hours. I know you won’t want to but you need to for the sake of your baby – you could risk the chance of having a miscarriage if you don’t rest.”

“You’re right, I don’t want to rest for the next day nor do I want to risk the miscarriage. I’ll read a book or even try to watch a movie or something. Hopefully I can sit still long enough to get through a book or a movie.”

“Normally when someone loses consciousness due to a traumatic experience, I prescribe a mild sedative, but with you, the baby and the gunshot wound, I’m uncomfortable doing so. Drink decaffeinated tea; eat five light meals today and tomorrow. I’ll leave more prenatal vitamins for you on my way out.”

“Thanks, Matt. Hey. Can you send in Mom and Don for a moment? I want to reassure them that I’m fine”.

Matt nods his head in agreement before he leaves. As he’s halfway out the door, he turns around and told me that he took off the gauze and medical tape I applied, cleaned the wound and put on fresh gauze and medical tape; leaving more supplies of both by the prenatal vitamins.

Mom and Don walk in, looking slightly worried about me. I explained that Matt thoroughly checked me out; both the baby and I are fine and that I need to rest for the next twenty four hours. They were reassured a little bit but still worried about the baby. I told them not to worry, I have Matt’s number on speed dial and that he’d check in on me and the baby first thing in the morning. They hugged me and left, sending in Vince.

Part of me wanted to be comforted by my husband but the other part of me wanted nothing to do with him at the moment. I know he’s worried about both the baby and I – we’d never used protection so I know he’s the father. Even knowing that, I had major doubts about my marriage and relationship with him. I’ve been hurt badly by other men that I’m unable to trust what men tell me. I believed Vince from the get go when he’s told me that he loves me; I’ve never been able to mistrust him when it comes to that. He’s never even given me a reason to NOT trust him, but I still struggle with my past and I know I always will.

“Baby, how are you? I’ve been SO worried about you. How’s the baby? How are you?” Vince says as he helps me slowly sit up so the room doesn’t spin.

“I’ve felt better than this. Can you help me get to the kitchen? I want to make some tea and toast,” I ask Vince. “I need to move around a little bit. The couch isn’t comfortable at all.”

Vince looks a little nervous about me moving around, knowing that I need to rest. I assure him that it’s not going to cause any strain on me or the baby if I walk around. I’m hoping that he can give me some space as I make the tea and toast; I need to gather my thoughts before I talk with him. I know it’s going to be difficult to talk about the marriage, the trust issues I have, etc.

Once I make the tea and toast, I head back to the living room and find the most comfortable recliner and slowly sit down.

“Vin, honey, I know you’re caught up in how I am at the moment but I hope we can worry about that in a little bit. You know that I normally don’t take a walk without being armed. I thought my walk would be safe, secure and fine, but apparently it wasn’t. The reason why I went so far out of the papal palace was to figure out my emotions, what’s going on between us; that kinda thing.”

“Maggie, what’s going on? Do you regret marrying me? Do you have any doubts – of me, my love for you? You’re making me nervous. Do want a divorce?”

“Please hear me out, Vinnie, ok? I told you that I couldn’t go to Limon, Costa Rica last year with you but never told you why. I was raped and beaten by an old boyfriend and a friend of his three months before we were supposed to go. Weeks before we were supposed to go, I found out that I was pregnant. I didn’t get a DNA test to find out who the father was and decided to have an abortion; I didn't want to face my ex boyfriend and his friend. I was informed that I was unable to fly on any plane for the next two to three months.

As you know, I went with my friend Joe a few months ago. You met him at the airport when we flew back home. I’d known him since we were six years old. We lost contact because I moved in the summer between fourth and fifth grades. A few days before I went with him, he, doing a favor for a friend, was working on road construction on my road. Every day around lunch time, after remembering who I am, he came over for lunch. I told him everything about the rape and the abortion. The next day, he kissed me. One thing led to another and we made love. I made sure he used a condom even though I was told my chances of becoming pregnant was now close to impossible due to the abortion.

After spending the night, he made a few calls while he was working, booked two first class tickets to Limon, told Mom and Don and whisked me off, telling me that he’d show me how a real man makes love to a woman. Each time, he used a condom, knowing that I wasn’t in the right state of mind to have a child; especially when I’m NOT married.”

“Wow,” Vince began to say.

“Let me finish. It was a little awkward for me to see you at the airport knowing that I’d made love with Joe several times. It was even more awkward for me when you proposed, but you didn’t know.

I’ve been questioning our marriage for the past week. I’ve wondered why we got married the week after coming back home from vacation with Joe. I was with another man, Vin. It was like it didn’t matter to you that I was with another man. I’m surprised that you didn’t even ask what had happened.

I’ve asked myself if I’d been that desperate to marry a man old enough to be my uncle. Am I in love with you? Do I love you as a person? Are you in love with me? Do you even love me as a person? I don’t have the answer to those questions!”