My on and off again boyfriend from high school

My high school boyfriend and I were on and off for 2 yrs....he was one of my brother's friends and they were 2 grades ahead of me (I came in freshman year when they started their junior year). He was the biggest guy I'd ever met at that time; 6'6, about 225 lbs and proportionate penis....he'd been on the varsity football and wrestling teams since he was a freshman (which is rare) and he'd been the BMOC (Big Man On Campus); the female students loved him and wanted to be his girlfriend and all the guys wanted to be him. 

When we first started seeing each other, my brother was LIVID for a few reasons 1. I was (and still am, obviously) his kid sister 2. His friends were supposed to leave me alone....as in they weren't allowed to date me.

I guess my brother made the exception with JS (my on and off again boyfriend) because he was a great person to everyone - from the popular kids (like him) to the not so popular kids (like me) - treated everyone with respect (whether they gave respect back to him or not), had a solid reputation of befriending anyone who needed a friend (from the ones ignored, the bullied, to the known but didn't have friends, etc.). All the students (and teachers) loved him and respected him. 

The thing with my high school - the jocks usually got away with more things than other students like handing in projects, homework, etc. a day or so late but JS told the teachers he had every year to NOT let him get away with anything like that....he was respected within the student population, wanted the same treatment as the non jock students and he said that he was "required" by each teacher to hand everything in on time and if he was even a class late with said work, he agreed that he'd receive a lesser grade then what he would've earned if it was handed in on time. He didn't want to get away with anything.

Anyways, when we were together, he'd come over to hang/chill out at my house mostly with me and partially with my brother (which is fair since they were friends). My parents already knew him since he'd been friends with my brother for 3 yrs at that point and they liked him. When I'd go to his house, either he came to pick me up, my brother brought me, my parents brought me or his parents got me. Same thing when we were off again because we were still friends (he remained friends with all of his ex girlfriends - which I think is pretty cool!)

He (and my brother) graduated at the end of my sophomore year....we were officially "off" at that point and if in the future, the timing was right, we'd get back together. When the graduation ceremony was over, he found me, picked me up in his famous bear hugs and said that no matter what he'd love me forever and I told him the same. 

I'd see him a few more times while I was in high school (we called each other about once or twice a month though). We'd hang out whenever we were in the same area - which was not as often as we liked since he worked about 30/40 minutes from where he lived and I had after school activities (cheerleading, working, taking care of my horse & doing some chores around the barn) and doing *hours* of homework.

When I went off to college, he'd come visit me twice month (I was 18 and still didn't have my driver's license; eventually I got it at 20 yrs old). It was a great feeling for me to have him visit me on the weekends since I was 6 to 6 1/2 hours away. Since it was a strict Christian college (girls were in female dorms and the boys were in the male dorms), he stayed with my friend at his dorm (which was 20 yards from my dorm)...and instead of having to eat cafeteria food (which, sadly for how expensive the school is, wasn't that great) so he took me out for lunch and dinner....sometimes we'd take my friend that he was staying with to show appreciation. The times we were by ourselves off campus, we'd find a place to have sex (because sex forbidden by current unmarried students that were NOT married...LAME!). In this instance, as big of a guy he was, THAT was pretty big as well! ;)

I wasn't happy at that college so I came home at the end of my first sophomore semester and transferred to a community college closer to home. Thankfully, I had my license right before that semester started so if I had time in between classes, I'd go visit him at work and bring him food from his favorite restaurant near work; we'd BS and have a good time. During this time, he had a girlfriend so I didn't call or visit him as often because I didn't want to interfere with their relationship; yes she knew that we were together up until a month or so before they started dating (we'd been FWB for about 2 years at this point so that ended). She didn't have any 'rules' per say but she did ask that he and I not to have sex; we promised her that and kept our word.

About a year or so into that relationship, they started having problems (she cheated on him, she was verbally abusive, etc.) and they tried to make it work but it didn't work out, unfortunately. After a bad fight, he had talked to my brother and then my brother called a family emergency while I was at work....I explained to my boss at that time there was an emergency (my boss and I had a great relationship - we were friends as well as boss/employee). He had asked if it was a friend or a family member so I decided to be honest so I told him that a "family" friend was having a horrendous day and my brother called it as an emergency so he let me leave my shift early (by 10 minutes). 

As I was heading to my car, I called my brother back to find out where they were and that I'd be there that I was going to be there as soon as possible....where they were located was 20 minutes away, I got there in 12 minutes. JS was a mess. He had been crying and drinking heavily since the night before as well as hours before my brother arrived to JS’s house. My brother took him for a drive for a change of scenery for a little bit. 

I loaded JS into my car - my brother wanted to join us in my car but I told him to take his car and meet us at JS’s house. My brother asked if I knew how to get there and I said prior to JS having this girlfriend, I was at his place more often then I was at home. Brother asked what the relationship was and I told him that after I graduated high school, JS and I became FWB. Of course he had to ask if we were careful!! LMFAO! I said that we were....most of the time.

JS was passed out in the front seat and I had to climb on top of him and straddle his legs/lap to get his seatbelt on; I turned and notice my brother...he looked very angry of how I was positioned on our friend so I told him to get over it. I climbed out of my car from the passenger side and got into the driver’s side; I yelled out the window to tell my brother to just follow me because I knew a short cut to JS’s house. 

I didn’t have to speed but took the short cut and got to JS’s house in a flash. The girlfriend had already packed up her stuff earlier in the day and moved out and his parents were already there...my brother must’ve called them to let them know we were on our way. I unlocked the car, threw my phone, wallet, keys, Gatorade & the other stuff I had in my car (an emergency change of clothes, etc.), put them on the ground near the front passenger door and climbed back in, straddled JS to unhook the seatbelt and climbed back out. 

I woke JS up when my brother arrived a minute after we did. My brother and JS’s dad helped him out of the car, inside the house and into his room; I was following them in - with his mom. I asked JS’s mom to mix 1/4 part Gatorade to 3/4 parts water, put it over a ton of ice and put a straw in it; explaining that I’ll be back down in a moment as I wanted to make sure that JS was placed on his bed.

I went upstairs to JS’s bedroom and see them struggling with his clothes. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and took my shoes off so I could climb on the bed. They’d already taken off his sneakers. So I moved JS’s arms gently to near his head, gently lifting his body inches at a time to roll his shirt up and take it off then I took his belt off, unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, moving one hip at a time to slide his pants down until I got to his upper thighs then I stood on the end of the bed, lifting both of his legs so each leg was on each side of my head so I could slide his pants off. It took a minute or two but I got it done. I was sweating a little bit because he’s still 6’6 and still 225/230 pounds while I’m 5’0” and about 180 pounds (or I was at that time). 

JS’s mom came up with the Gatorade and with a cool, damp washcloth in her hand. She asked if she could wipe his face and wake him up. I said yes and then moved to the side. That’s when we ALL noticed he was going commando. His mom was trying to cover him up and I reminded her that I’ve already enjoyed her son so none of this was new to me. She turned to me and said: “THAT was you?! All of that noise was YOU??” I chuckled and said that it was partially him as well. My brother looked like his head was about to pop off. I turned back to JS’s mom and apologized for my brother turning beet red as his head looked like it was going to explode.  She looked at him and looked at me; I explained that I’m the kid sister and most of what I’ve done with stripping off of his clothes and had sex with him (without my brother’s knowledge) made my brother mad...I didn’t need his permission to date or have sex with his friends. She laughed and then woke her son up. 

He chugged the water/Gatorade mix and asked for more so I went down downstairs to make more. My brother followed me down asking me how I knew to make that water/Gatorade mix. I told him I knew since freshman year when I started dating JS; too much sugar will help him stay drunk and explained that adding water to decrease the sugar but the electrolytes already in the Gatorade will help somewhat and pushing water was important as well in order to get him rehydrated. He looked surprised but he knew I was right. 

I made the water/Gatorade mix twice more over the next 30 minutes. He was appreciative then asking my brother and his dad to help him to the bathroom. While the trio of men headed towards the bathroom, his mom and I turned down the lights a bit, turned the fan on low and then turned his sheets down. When they came back, I had a banana and his 48 oz travel mug filled with ice water. He finished the banana quickly and had a swig of his water. 

JS asked everyone but me to leave but my brother protested as JS was still hung over. I said that we were fine and if I need anything, I’d call his name and he went to downstairs so he could catch up with JS’s parents.  As soon as left the hallway, I closed the door, stripped down to my birthday suit and hopped into bed with JS. He was awake enough to be the big spoon and I the little spoon. I knew then - at that moment in time - that I would love him forever. We fell asleep soon after and stayed asleep for about an hour; he woke me up my licking my apex. That got my attention!! We had the most passionate sex that we ever had and it was amazing. 

When we were finished, we heard a knock on the door and my brother popped his head in. He wasn’t mad this time around; he finally saw that his friend and sister had undefinable relationship based off of love, respect, friendship and that nothing could break our bond. My brother said he ordered some our favorite greasy food and that’ll be delivered in an hour. We said ok, he chuckled, winked and closed the door firmly behind. 

After he left, I was still propped up on some pillows and spread my legs again for JS. He was ready in an instant and we had the kind of sex where the headboard eventually broke; despite having a pillow between the the wall and headboard. We finished together again. I hadn’t noticed until we got up for a quick shower that we didn’t use a condom and he finished inside of me again...I wasn’t on birth control at that point; I told myself that he finished on my leg instead of inside of me even though he finished inside of me even but I knew better.

We dressed, went downstairs and ate greasy food at the local diner. After dinner, JS asked if I could spend the night with him and I said that if his parents and my brother didn’t have any issues with it then I’d stay. They all agreed that it would be best if I stayed. As everyone was leaving, I texted my boss that I may or may not be in work tomorrow and said that he’ll make sure it’ll be marked as a sick day so I don’t get penalized for it. I then texted my parents - I lived with them at the time - they already knew since my brother called them explaining everything to them (the cheating girlfriend, the excessive drinking and that we are FWB) and they weren’t really mad at all since they knew how much JS and I meant towards each other. I wished them a good night, went to JS’s room to grab one of his shirts and went back to the living room to join him on the couch. 

JS knows how much I love history and put on a historical based movie (from WWII). I sat in the corner of the couch reclined with a blanket on my lap while JS was laying horizontally on the couch with his head on my lap. Before he became too comfortable, I locked all the doors and windows on the first floor, placed my phone on the little table between the couch and wall, plugged it in, grabbed my driver’s license, my license to carry, my gun on the same table and then went to the bathroom. Don’t get me wrong, JS lives in a GREAT area but there have been a few break ins over the past few months so I wanted to be safe. 

I went back to the couch, got comfortable and JS got himself comfortable with his head on my lap. The movie was great but very long. We both fell asleep on the couch. I woke a few hours later....JS left a note saying he went to bed. I went to the bathroom (I’ve got a small bladder), grabbed 2 bottles of water from the fridge, grabbed my stuff from that table and went to his bedroom. The floor creaked and woke him up. I put my stuff away as he pulled the sheets back. 

I noticed that he was ready again so I took off his shirt and got into bed with JS. We had a great few hours enjoying each other’s bodies while having sex; he finished deep inside of my apex each time. I tried to talk to him about his now ex girlfriend and he said that he won’t talk about it now but when he’s ready so I said ok. We fell asleep again and of course, I had to wake up at 7 am because of my small bladder. I showered, brushed my teeth, took another shirt of his from his dresser, went to the kitchen to see what I could make for breakfast. I found bacon, breakfast sausage, pork roll, pancake mix, eggs, coffee and chocolate chips; the perfect breakfast to help take care of a hangover

I started to cook the meats all together in one frying pan, found an even bigger frying pan and made a ton of chocolate chip pancakes, started the coffee and then made the eggs. The meats were done so I put them on a oven safe platter to keep  warm in the oven and raided the fridge again. Found strawberries so I cleaned them up and made a strawberry glaze for the pancakes. I found another oven safe platter to put the pancakes on and tossed it in the oven. 

JS woke up smelling breakfast but went for the coffee first. He loved it and told him that it was bourbon roasted coffee; he asked for the website so he could order it so I gave it him. As he’s checking out the website, I grab plates and pile his plate a mile high of food. Gave him his plate with a bowl of the strawberry glaze as well as butter and syrup on the side. 

He started eating as I was getting my plate ready. I finally sat down as he got up to fill his plate again - he put almost as much food as I did for him just a few minutes ago. And, of course, he finished the coffee before I could have any. Jerk...LOL. After we ate, I packed up the remaining food, put the food in the fridge and I did the dishes

He went up for a shower and a nap, I started his laundry. Thankfully he has energy efficient washer and dryer that were also time efficient; I was able to wash, dry, fold and put his clothes away before he woke up from his food coma nap. Once he woke up, I started vacuuming, dusting and polishing what I could in his house. As he came down, he was shocked and took out the garbage; I cleaned SO much there were a few garbage bags to take to his garbage can outside. I packed all my stuff, my licenses, my clothes, gun, etc. and then I got dressed for the day. 

By the time I had my stuff by the front door, it was 3 pm. I texted his mom telling her about what time I’d be leaving and she said she’d be at JS’s house before I left. I went to the living room to find JS reading a book I gave him about 10 years ago (I was a freshman in high school then). I apologized for interrupting his reading but I wanted to let him know that I was leaving soon as I wanted to meet my parents and brother for family night and that his mom was arriving shortly. He gave me a look but I explained that he should be with his family now; he sighed and agreed with me. 

Minutes later, his mom walked in and I went to the kitchen to put the clean dishes away and then went to the bathroom. I went back into the living room to say goodbye. I received a hug from his mom - she was a little tearful and whispered that I am the executive of JS’s will as well as his power of attorney and I can place him wherever it is necessary for his health so I whisper back that she, her husband, my brother, my parents (when they weren't working nor taking care of the pets) and I would keep an eye on him and if we - as a group - decide what to do, I’ll do it even if I don’t like it...I’ll be doing it because I love him. 

The next few days I had to work 12 hour days so I kept in touch with JS, his parents, my parents and my brother via text; they were all saying that in general he’s good but a little agitated and cranky. So I explained to my friend/boss that I was concerned for my friend because he’s being watched around the clock and he’s acting agitated like he’s coming down from an illegal or prescribed controlled substances. My boss let me go for the day, so I went to JS’s doctor and they said that they didn’t prescribe and Class II or Class IV drugs in the past 15 years so I headed to the pharmacy to see what I could find out. Once I gave my name, the pharmacist came over, pulled me into the break room and we sat down. He showed me JS’s patient print out of all his meds he’s had filled and nothing seemed to be wrong until I noticed that he went to 5 different pain management doctors in different directions from his house. I thanked the pharmacist. 

As I was walking to my car, I started calling these pain management doctors, I explained who I was and what I was doing. They all faxed JM’s patient files to the pharmacy I work at (at the time). I texted my boss to give him a heads up of what’s going on and then I speak to JS’s mom what’s going on. Her husband was taking over watching JS so she met me at a café near pharmacy where I work at (at that time) and we went over EVERYTHING and she took notes. From there, we decided to go together back to the primary care physician and consult with him. I texted my lawyer (never a bad thing to have at any time), talked to a judge and he faxed a signed subpoena to the pain management doctors to meet with my lawyers, JS and his lawyers, his parents, my parents, brother, myself and a judge for the very next day. JS’s mom and I shared this with the primary physician and he said he’d join us at his own free will to help out. 

His mom dropped me back at the café and agreed that she, her husband, my brother, my parents and I to join JS at his house as on as possible. She called my family and we all got to his house within seconds of each other. Since I had a key handy on my keychain I unlocked the front door and we entered. Surprisingly enough, no one was surprised.

JS’s dad already talked to JS briefly of what was going to be discussed. Once JS saw me, he said: “No matter how much I hate you now and want to hate you forever, I know damn well you’re doing this because you love me and I love you. I know that I’m not going to be happy about this but we need to talk!” I went over to him, sat down next to him on the couch, wrapping my arms around him, kissing his cheek, tell him: “I do this because I loved you then, I love you now and I will forever love you. You are one of the most important people in my life and it’s my duty as your friend and as your lover to help you no matter what!” He started to cry and continued to cry for a long time. 

When he was done, I got us all some water and I explained that I found out that I was the executive of his will and power of attorney, I knew that I could speak freely to his doctors office and his pharmacy. His mom and I shared what we learned from the pain management doctors, what meds they prescribed, the dosing and the frequency, and clearly they didn’t know that there was more than one of the pain management doctors. I explained I got in contact with my lawyer and JS’s lawyers and they faxed a subpoena to all the pain management doctors to meet at the court house at 8 am to meet with a judge (I knew who exactly it was but I couldn’t legally share this info) and my lawyer informed me that JS, his parents and I were required to be there but it would be beneficial if my parents and brother came as well in case they were needed. 

We texted who we needed to get us clothes to wear at court for the next day; my sister took care of it for my brother, my parents did for me as they needed to find a pet sitter to take care of the dogs from 8 am to 4:30 pm for the rest of the week, and JS’s parents lived 2 towns over so they were gone for less than 30 minutes. By the time my dad brought my clothes for me, my brother and I decided to spend the night with JS as did his parents. The sleeping situation was this: I am to sleep in the same bed as JS, my brother would bring a mattress to the hallway just outside of JS’s room in case I needed him (felt that it was better to keep my gun locked up at my car) and JS’s parents would sleep down the hall. 

I made everyone “Sleepy Time” tea (it’s a decaf chamomile tea to encourage sleep). JS and I were the first ready for bed, his parents followed suit not long after and then my brother after he locked the doors and windows. I heard a familiar scratch on the door that was code for: “I’m here for you. Get me immediately if you need me to help you!”  I scratched back with my code for: “All is well now. If I need you, I will get you. Love”. JS was too tired to ask and just commented that I was being weird and I didn’t feel like it was necessary to explain how close my brother and I are. We have this thing of: “This is my sibling. I’ll give them a kidney, a lung, whatever they need but my NOT phone charger. If you hurt them in any way, shape or form, I promise I’ll be your personal nightmare!”

We go to bed, JS falls asleep but I can’t sleep. I tap on the wall to let my brother know I’m still awake he taps back. I go out into the hallway - leaving the door open - and we whisper. My brother feels confident. I’m worrying that JS will forced into a psych ward...my brother reminded me that I’m the only one with the final say. I thanked him, noticed that JS stirred and let my brother know that JS might wake up and notice that I’m gone. My brother and I hug and I return to JS’s room, leaving the door ajar. 

I slide back into bed, JS is awake enough to say hi, he moved closer to me, rested his head on my chest (yes, THAT chest) wraps one arms sound me and falls back asleep. I remember that he likes his hair played with when he curls up against me; it soothes him. I fall asleep into a light sleep. I wake up minutes before my alarm goes off. I get up, leave a note for JS that I’m going to pick up bagels and schmear. I tell my brother so he knows what’s going on. I go across the street and get 2 of every kind of bagels there are, 5 flavors of schmear (cream cheese) and some lox. I’m back less than 8 minutes later, I start brewing more bourbon roasted coffee, get plates, napkins, knives, bagels and the schmear ready. I go up and shower. 

Seconds later, JS meets me in the shower for some fun...we get dressed and meet everyone downstairs. My mom texts me that they’ll meet us at the court house and that they’re using our favorite pet sitter for the pets. Everyone is eating, I was able to toast a few bagels, put schmear on the toasted bagels, wrap them in foil, fill everyone’s travel mugs with water. JS, his parents and my brother travel together while I make a pit stop at the bagel place again and get everyone single serving bottles of orange juice; it’ll be a stressful day and a little vitamin c won’t hurt. I get to the courthouse 5 minutes after they did.

They saved a spot for me. I hand the bagels and 2 orange juices to my parents then hand off the rest of the juice to everyone else. I grab the notes and files from yesterday, meet with my lawyers and JS’s lawyers to see what the plan is. We all agree and everyone follows me to my favorite judge’s court room. We all sit down behind our gang of lawyers as the pain management doctors doctors sit down behind their 2 defense lawyers - that don’t have great reputations. 

The bailiffs ask us to rise, announces the judge and we sit. My parents and brother look at me in shock and I look at them like: “What? The fuck you want me to say?” The judge - one of my friends from second grade - calls on me to ask what’s so important. I introduce the lawyers and let them explain what’s going on. The judge nods and lets them start their case; our group of lawyers are amazing...they got their own records and other information they needed significantly faster than I did AND they stayed up until 6 am to go over everything and prepare. 

They start their case against the pain management doctors, go over everything they collected and showed that they had a solid case. Then pain management doctor’s lawyers weren’t that efficient nor effective; they were only able to not know that JS went to all of them. The defense rested and our lawyers called JS, his primary doctor, his parents, my family and I. It was tough when it came to me because of my relationship with JS. I had to explain the entire relationship: the dating, the friendship, the sex, etc. The defense team asked me if I encouraged the ex girlfriend to repeatedly cheat on JS or even push JS to different pain management doctors; I explained that that wasn’t the type of friend and lover to do that. They said that they knew that I’d do anything I possibly could do for JS because I never stopped loving him. I said that they twisted my words around. I explained that I would do anything legally and ethically right to help JS and yes I love him; at first was as my boyfriend and then as my friend but now my lover. They asked me to expand the part of friend and lover. I said it was hard to explain but I said that JS is my friend first and foremost, I love him in that capacity as well as when we are lovers. They got the gist. And my friend the judge banged her gavel and declared a recess for lunch. 

Our lawyers had food catered to us and we shared with the defense team. That’s what my lawyers do; they spread the good around to other people. Our hour recess went by fast and we returned to the courtroom. The judge was already there and said that we should sit. She said that she already knew that the defense team requested JS to go to a psych hospital to get help but I stood up and interrupted: “Your honor. It has come to my attention in the past 36 to 48 hours that I’m the executive of JS’s will and power of attorney. If it may please the court, I want to speak with him, our lawyers and both of our families to confer what the best course of treatment would be best for JS. He will give his own input but he knows that in this situation, it is ultimately my decision where he does and does not go!”  She reminded me that in her courtroom, no one interrupts her as she’s speaking even if they’ve known her and been friends with her since childhood. I chuckled and apologized.

The judge gave us 2 minutes and we all gathered around the lawyers table. We all agreed it would be best that JS were to go to an inpatient drug rehab facility and the lawyers gave a mutual suggestion of the best possible one. When the 2 minutes were up, the judge called my name and asked what the decision was. I explained that it was a mutual agreement with everyone that JS was to go to the inpatient rehab facility and provided the name that the lawyers gave me. The judge banged her gavel and said that she rules in favor of us and our lawyers

By two day’s time, JS is ready to go to the facility and he listed his lawyers, his parents, my family as well as myself as his visitors and signed a waiver that he agrees to have the staff share his info with his parents and myself. We all agreed that would be best and we would all visit as long and as often as I could. I shared this with my boss and said as long as I work 12 hours a week (at any time of the day of my choice), that would be fine and be able to keep my full time status and insurance while I go visit him. I then called HR to add JS to my work insurance then called my personal insurance company (they provide much better mental health services) to officially add him too - just in case his insurance was going to be finicky. 

I share this with JS, his family and mine. We all agreed that I’d work 24 hours straight on Mondays, go home to shower, get dressed, pack a week’s worth of clothes and spend the rest of the week there with him if he needed it or stay a few days a week with him. When his family and my family visits with him, I step out of the building so they can sit down with him and breathe knowing that I’m taking a break from the facility. I called his lawyers and mine one time to see how much I owed them they said because of how much JS and I care about each other was their payment; I did, however, sent them thank you cards. I wrote to the pharmacist’s boss and I explained that he went way above what I asked; a week later, I received a letter in return stating that the pharmacist had a significant raise (now making triple digits instead of double digits), the pharmacist now has better insurance and was able to put his wife and 8 adopted kids on the insurance and he now has become the pharmacist in charge. I arranged a catering delivery to the primary doctor and his office for getting me started in the right direction. 

As the weeks went on, JS was doing much better than he was before and weaned off of the CII and CIV meds but the staff noticed symptoms of depression. They suggested to him that they can bring in their best psychiatrist but he refused that idea so they want me to talk to him. When I get his room and knock on the door, he smiles, picks me up and spins me around. He slams the door shut and locks it. He comes over to me, we start kissing, taking our clothes off and go to  his bed. 

I begin to stroke him and it takes barely a few seconds for him to get ready for me. I lay down on my back and happily spread my legs for him. He slides in and out a gently but he starts slamming deep inside of me. I start moaning his name. He flips me on all four, and takes my apex roughly from behind. He needs to hold onto my hips so he stays in me. We’re both screaming in pleasure and we finish together moments later; he fills me with his essence. We stay in his bed a bit longer when I realized we didn't use a condom again. UGH! I’m ovulating  

When we get dressed, I tell him: "JS? You know how much I love you, right? And that you're my best friend?" He nods and says yes. I tell him: "We both know that I'm not on any form of birth control and the last few times, we didn't use any condoms. Baby, I love you and love having sex with you so much but I don't want to get pregnant; I'm not ready to be a parent!" He says that he understands but questions me if I want his baby or someone else's. I try to explain to him that as long as I'm in a committed relationship, I would have that person's child or children.....he interrupted saying that we're practically in a committed relationship - despite where he is right now - but if I get pregnant by him, he'll stay with me and our baby (or babies) and not be in another relationship at all. I told him to give me a few days to think about it and he said it was ok.

As we walked to the common area, I said that the staff wanted me to speak with him in regards of noticing signs of depression. He became mad instantly and started yelling at me. I let him continue to explode. After he calmed down, we talked about about the possible diagnosis was and how we could find the answer. I mentioned the one that I see; let's just say that JS was totally shocked and never knew about that. I said that through counseling and medication - when needed - my depression is under control...the people I tell are surprised that I surprised because I don't "seem" or "act" depressed then accuse me of lying about it. JS just nodded and then agreed to have my psychiatrist come by that day. 

We saw that his parents were there to visit with him so I made a few excuses that I needed to return a few calls but I ended up calling my psychiatrist to see if he could come by today. He answered at the first ring, I explained the situation as briefly as I could, he said that he's got the rest of the day free and that he's on his way. I thank him and we hang up. I go back to JS's room at the rehab facility and gather my stuff. Once I have everything packed up, I head back to the common room and explain everything to JS and his parents. His parents are excited but JS was less so but he knew that ALL of his health was important to us. 

My psychiatrist came in a few minutes later so my family and his took a walk while JS, the psychiatrist and the rehab facility could sit down and chat. Halfway through our walk, I was feeling tired so I headed back to the facility and took a nap on the couch in JS’s room. I hadn’t been sleeping well since he entered the rehab facility. I napped for half an hour. 

I woke up as JS and “our” psychiatrist walking into JS’s room. I sat up as JS and the psychiatrist talked with me about their conversation and the diagnosis. The psychiatrist said in that his opinion that JS was NOT depressed, doesn’t have anxiety or any other mental illness, JS had been feeling frustrated and wanted to get out of the facility; he was just struggling with his words and feelings so he couldn’t say anything. 

I called in our families to sit down with JS and the psychiatrist. We discussed what they talked about and we all decided to sign JS out of the facility so he could live in a half way house for a week; that way he could be monitored in a safe environment. He’d be able to go out to run errands but live/sleep at the halfway house. At the end of the week, the director of the halfway house would sit down with both JS and I to see what the next step was. 

We took him to his house that night and let him stay at home for a few days. I stayed with him for the most part; two nights I worked 6 hours while someone stayed as he slept. Someone was always with him - usually on the same floor that he was on - while I was working. Since JS was sleeping when I left and when I came back, I searched his house from top to bottom and got rid of all CII and CIV prescribed meds. The only types of medication I left was over the counter pain relievers, allergy meds and cold meds. When I found every thing I could and dropped off the prescribed meds to a local drop off place for unwanted/unused meds. 

After being home four days, I brought JS to the halfway house. We entered and sat down with the director. He wanted JS to interact with the other residents and the staff at the halfway house this first week. She felt that 99% of the time, it helps the new resident to rewire their brains to fully function on their own and to relearn to rely on themselves.  Both JS and I disliked that with a passion but we both agreed to this. We were led to his room, dropped his stuff off and were given 15 minutes to say goodbye privately. We closed and locked the door so we took off our clothes and had the MOST passionate sex we ever had in our friendship. When we both climaxed, it took him several extra seconds to finish emptying his essence inside of me. He made sure a few pillows were under my hips for 10 minutes. We stood up and got dressed; he leaned down and kissed my cheek and said that this time he hoped that he had gotten me pregnant. I replied by saying that I hoped so. We hugged again before we met the director in her office. She and I exchanged numbers so we could reach out to discuss JS and what he’s going through. I kissed and hugged him goodbye again, grabbing his penis over his pants, telling him that I loved him and if he got me pregnant, I’ll be the luckiest woman alive. He smiled and laughed. 

I took my time getting home and when I finally did, I slept for several hours. I woke up to see if I had any messages but my phone died. I ran to where I have my cord plugged in and started to charge my phone. Once there was enough battery, I saw who texted me and replied to those most urgent. One was from the director and she also left a voicemail. I didn’t bother listening to the message so I called her back. 

She asked if I listened to my voicemail and I said that I’d rather hear from her; I apologized for sleeping and my battery died. She said that JS was in a physical fight with someone who was walking by - it was NOT a fellow resident - and that JS was arrested. He requested that I go bail him out. 

I go to the county jail and talk to one of the sheriffs. He told me that a government employee was taking a walk, talking briefly on the phone when JS heard the employee laugh thinking that he was laughing at JS because JS was leaving the halfway house, attacked the employee and beat him up. As I was signing the paperwork, the arresting officer - a good friend of mine from the community college - said that the federal employee was pressing charges. I thanked him and paid bail. 

Moments later JS was walking over to me. I hugged him and told him we needed to talk; the one jail sheriff gave us a private room to talk. I thanked him. I closed the door and went off on JS, asking what the hell happened and he told me what happened. Thankfully it was pretty damn close to what the cop told me but I was still mad. Before I could say anything, I received a text from a friend who was a government employee; he said that he was the one that was beat up and pressing charges. 

I told JS that I just read that the guy who he beat up - my friend the government employee - is pressing charges. JS flipped out, asking how I knew this guy. I said that the same building my pharmacy is located on government property owned by the government and only government employees can work there. He started screaming at me declaring I was a liar. I just sat there, laughing to myself, while he’s worked up. 

Once he was done, I told JS that I did NOT lie to him about working as a pharmacy technician, showing him my wallet  sized tech certification and told him that part of my contract  was signing a NDA form stating that I couldn’t divulge to any one (not to friends, family, significant others, etc.) that I was a government employee. 

I asked him how I got my lawyers so fast, the judge I knew from elementary school, how he had a $25 invoice from the rehab facility instead of thousands if he used his insurance and how I was able to work minimal hours so I could help take care of him. He said he thought that I paid everyone for them to take care of what I needed right away. I told him that if I did, that would be bribery and I would lose my job. I stepped out of the door - asking someone to watch the door as JS was still in there - so I could text both of our families and his lawyers asking for a meeting at JS’s. Then I texted my government employee friend to ask if he could send everything to JS’s lawyers and he agreed; I thanked him profusely because he didn’t have to do this nor did he want to.

I went back inside the building, collecting JS and headed for his place. Both of our families and his lawyers were already there and inside. Everyone was demanding answers from JS and I told everyone to be quiet. JS sat down as I told him to sit down and NOT say a single word to anyone about anything. I took the lawyers into the other room and closed the door. 

They received everything from my friend’s lawyer and explained everything to me. The outcome didn’t look to good. We immediately called in a forensic psychiatrist - someone I knew professionally and also who didn’t treat me - to sit down with JS, his lawyers and I; he was actually 5 minutes away and came over. I let him in the house, called JS and the three of us went to meet up with the lawyers. I introduced everyone and told JS to start talking as soon as I got out of the room. 

I met with both families and discussed with them about the attack, the arrest, jail and everything else. I said that the guy who came in was a forensic psychiatrist that I knew from work but he needed to talk to only JS and his lawyers. Both families were shocked with my news that I worked with a forensic psychiatrist in my building. I told them that I’m really a certified pharmacy technician but the building is on government land, owned and run by the government and staffed by government employees - including me - but because of signing a NDA, I wasn’t allowed to share this but was given the ok by my direct boss/friend since he knew most of what’s going on. My brother suggested that this was why I was able to get the ball rolling as fast as I got it rolling and I confirmed. 

Before they could ask me anything else, JS and his lawyers came out of the other room and joined us. Because I - to some degree - was involved in this case and the less I was involved, the better; considering that if this went to trial, I could be asked to be either for the defense or the prosecution. I started to become nauseous so I ran to the master bathroom to vomit. Once cleaned up, I dug for the pregnancy test I hid in there. I followed the directions and needed to wait 3 minutes. 

JS came up to get me but I told him I needed a few minutes and he kept banging on the door. I told him that I need 2 1/2 more minutes,  he asked why so I unlocked the door and let him in. He saw the pregnancy test and his eyes opened big. The timer of my phone went off so we both looked; it was confirmed that I was pregnant. He was ecstatic but I wasn’t as excited as he was. This meant he’d be with me forever. It’s not like I didn’t want him to be though I wanted him to be but not as the father of my kid/s; I’d always hoped I had someone else as the father....someone who was NOT friends with my brother. I told him that there’s no way we could announce anything at this point. He looked disappointed but understood that he’s got other things to worry about. 

We went downstairs. My family and I left so JS, his family, the forensic psychiatrist and the lawyers could talk. Years later I found out that he had severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. As per his lawyers wishes, we didn’t have contact for 4 months because of the court proceedings; the verdict was not guilty and I lost my government employee friend a few days after that...he shot himself in the head. 

After a little bit of therapy after the verdict, JS and I slowly came back into each other’s lives. I was 5 months pregnant by then. My family finally knew but JS and I needed to sit down with his family to tell them as well though he and I needed to talk first. Since it was still a little awkward when we came back together but we were having a child together and we needed to figure something out. Where we going to live separate lives and co parent or I have primary custody and his visits are supervised by one of our families or do we work on our friendship and co parent as friends? 

It took about 6 weeks to figure this out but we decided to work on our friendship and parent together daily while being open to us dating or getting married to each other or to other people. We both needed to keep an open mind on this. Our families were involved with this but thankfully we both felt that they lawyers were NOT needed for this since this was our private lives and it involved us and our families. 

I spent most nights at JS’s so we could talk about anything and everything that we wanted and we still had explosive sex; when we both climaxed, I got my clothes off the floor and go back to the room I’d been sleeping in. During this time, I was still working at the pharmacy but it was in the HR department rather than being a pharmacy tech but when people called out, I filled in for them. I was working 30 hours instead of my normal 75 hours and that was fine. My boss and his boss said because of what JS and I were going through besides the pregnancy, I was given 2 years maternity leave if I chose to be gone that long but I could come back earlier if I wanted to; it was up to me and no pressure from them. I was relieved. I would still be paid my normal salary and would keep my benefits.

About a week before the baby was due, I decided to go to the hospital early. I had minor contractions here and there but I figured that I’d play it safe at the hospital. My family took rotating turns spending a night in the hospital with me. They set me up in a room with 2 beds but they marked it as private on the door; only family and a few listed non family members were allowed in the room besides the medical staff. 

I haven’t done much for the staff of the hospital other than treating everyone - no matter what their job is - with the same respect. I was raised to treat the proverbial “low man on the totem pole” with the same respect as I give a CEO or president of a company. I guess a small part of it is that once I get to know staff at the hospital, I make a point to swing by where their workstation is to see how they and their family is doing. Now it’s their turn to do the same. 

JS hasn’t visited, called or texted that often but his parents say he’s fine; he’s working and there might be someone his life but they don’t know for sure. I was a little saddened to hear this but JS and I were working on possibly dating once the baby was born. Guess he changed his mind. 

By the fourth night I was at the hospital, my water broke as I was taking a stroll in the halls late at night. Not long after that, I started having contractions. My family was called and they arrived 35 minutes later. My brother wanted to know if JS was contacted and I said no but I don’t want him informed yet. My brother started to ask why but I shot him a look so he stopped. 

I was in labor for 90 minutes and it was a quick and easy birth; for having twins. The babies got cleaned up, checked out and finally brought into my room after I was cleaned up. My family informed JS’s family so they came over for a quick visit and left. My family decided to leave not long after that. Once everyone was gone, the babies woke up, I breast fed them, changed their diapers and then they went back to the nursery. 

I was fast asleep when I heard a knock on the door. It was JS. I told him to leave and rolled over so I could face the other side of the room. He asked me what the matter was. I told him that he’s barely contacted me since I checked into the hospital and that I was sure that he was too busy knocking up his new girlfriend. He started to say something but security was called because no one recognized him as one of my visitors. I told security to take him but he’s allowed to come back in a few hours. They escorted him out and I was super grateful that he went quietly. 

I fell back asleep for a little bit but woke up to aching and full breasts. I called for the babies so I could feed them. They were hungry cutie pies! I love them so much. With one look at them, I forgot that I was mad at their daddy despite how much they look at them. They fall asleep and go back to the nursery. I start crying and that makes me breasts ache and leak which makes me cry even harder which made breasts ache even more. On more than one occasion, I wanted JS to visit me, suck my breasts dry and to fill my apex again. 

JS knocks on the door and I tell him to come in. The staff is worried but I tell them to go. They leave and he closes the door behind him. I ask how he’s doing but I can tell something is off. He starts cursing at me for no reason other than the fact that I may be getting more attention than he is. He starts getting louder and louder and finally is done a few minutes later. He climbs onto my bed, ripping off my hospital gown, pulls out his penis and forces his penis into my swollen and sore apex. I screamed in pain. He started thrusting deep into my apex; my breasts started to leak. He kept the pace thrusting in me and started squeeze and suck my breasts, drained them. I screamed for help. Fortunately, the staff heard him and my scream for help and they called for security. As I’m still screaming for help, he thrusts harder and faster as he’s squeezing my sensitive breasts as hard as he could. Five minutes later, he climaxed and finished inside of me. He got off of me and the bed and gets dressed

As soon as he opens the door to my room to leave, security and a psychiatrist are there. They escort him to an office space on the floor. He tells them what they think that they want to hear and I told them about what happened when they’re done with him; the staff near my room at the time could verify it. They wanted to arrest him for disrupting the peace and sexual assault but I only wanted JS to be admitted to the psych ward. Thankfully I always keep a recent copy of his will and a copy of my power of attorney in situations like this  

I signed myself out of the hospital the next day. I left JS there but didn’t leave word for him. Both my family and JS’s family help me with the babies; I was still trying to come up with their names. Every day, at some point, I feign tiredness, go upstairs and let both families watch the babies. I call the psychiatrists from the psych ward to see what’s going on. They said that first full day that he was there that he admitted that he went off of his BPD meds and every day from that then on, he took his new prescribed meds. 

By the end of the second week of JS being in the psych ward, I sat both families down and explained to everyone that the day I gave birth, JS verbally and sexually attacked me, the staff called security and the psych ward when they heard him and that he’s been there since; he’d been off his original meds and they’ve started him on different meds to see if that’s going to change. The head psychiatrist said that they’d hold him there for another 3 weeks to see if the meds are truly helping him and that it usually takes 5 to 6 weeks for most medications to take full effect. I told both families that I agreed with the psychiatrist and that it’s in both families interests to see what the outcome is. I said that they’re more than welcome to send him letters but it’s in my best interest to wait until I sign him out before I talk to him. 

Thankfully, those 3 weeks went quickly, his family wrote a ton of letters whereas mine wrote a handful. I kept getting daily updates and they were mostly good. On the last day prior to my releasing him, the main psychiatrist invited me to see and interact with JS. I agreed with the caveat that security is there with me. The psychiatrist was kind about it and agreed to it. 

So I arrived a little bit early, leaving everything but my keys in my car. The psychiatrist gets me and one of the security guards; as we pass the main desk, I drop off my keys since they are a risk to the patients. JS is in a room with another patient. From where I was, he looked healthy and happy but as I was listening to the psychiatrist, looks could be deceiving; once JS saw me, he could revert back to his behavior in my hospital room or his meds would dictate his behavior. 

We entered the room and the other patient left. The psychiatrist and the security guard left the door open but stood just outside it in case I needed their help. I let JS start talking. He said that he was sincerely sorry for screaming at me, he was feeling off because he was playing with his meds and drinking alcohol and me admitting him to the psych ward was the best decision because it protected me from him and forced him to get the help he needed. He’s now on new meds that he says that are working better for him and that he’d love to get out tomorrow and truly show me who he really is again. 

I had to ask him again about the fact that he has a girlfriend. He looked confused. I said that I confronted him in my hospital room before he started screaming at me and raping me. He said that he didn’t remember that but he said that he didn’t have a girlfriend. I was honest by telling him that his parents told me that he had a girlfriend. He said that she was just a one night stand a few times because he was freaking out about me being 8 1/2 months pregnant having contractions. I said that in order for me to gain his trust again, he will have regular STD checks for the next 8 months, his blood will be tested to see what the levels of his meds are in his system and he will have to pass a lie detector tests once a month. The last stipulation was that he was to stay under his parents’ watch at their house for the time being. He didn’t like it but agreed to it. I said goodbye without a hug and kiss. I had no desire for physical contact right now. 

I was brought out by the security guard, grabbed my keys and as I left, both families were waiting for me. I shared that I’m signing JS out the next day, shared the stipulations, etc. and they were ok with it. We went back to my house. I showered and put in my lounge clothes, fed the babies and pumped the excess when they were done. I went back to my room, packed an overnight bag, booked a round way ticket to see my best friend, came down and told my parents the plan; they knew I needed to get away right now. Even if it was for the night.  They drove me to the airport and sent me off with bear hugs and well wishes to my best friend - the only civilian friend I have right now. She is my best friend, my sister and my sanity. 

It was a 2 hour flight and I’m happy to admit, I slept peacefully the entire time. When we landed, I grabbed my bag from the overhead bin and walked straight outside and took a cab to my friend’s job. She was working a half day today and was getting out soon so I waited outside of her office, basking in the sun. About 20 minutes later, I heard some screeching so I turned around and it was my best friend and I started screeching. Everyone around us was looking at us like we were nuts. 

I grabbed a cab for us to take us to her favorite restaurant near her house, telling her it was my treat. She knew some of what was going on so that night I told her everything. When we got back to her house, we were giggling like nuts, accidentally woke up her husband; who’d fallen asleep on the couch. He took one look at us and said he’s going to sleep in the guest bedroom. Giggling again, we took off our shoes at the door, grabbed some water and talked about what’s going on with her and her husband.

She looked at me with lust. We took our clothes off quickly and she laid down on her back, spreading her legs. I ate her apex many times, she finished on my tongue each time. We flipped positions. She fingered me as she sucked my breasts dry. She then leaned down and ate my apex. I finished on her tongue in no time. She pulled out a 10” long, 4” thick dildo and forced it into my ass. I moaned. She slid it in and out of me as hard as she could. I climaxed screaming her name. 

Immediately, her husband came running into the room. He saw us and removed his clothes. He asked me to roll over to my stomach. He slid his penis in my ass as hard as he could. He fucked my ass for so long that I passed out. I woke up to her draining my breasts as he was fucking her unprotected. They screamed as they climaxed together.

It quickly became 2 am and she’s got work the next day. I grabbed one of my brother’s oversized shirts from my bag, put it on and went to bed. I was already asleep before she came to bed. 

I woke up before she did, showered, got dressed and made breakfast for her and her husband while I just ate a banana and had some juice. They woke up, got ready for work, enjoyed breakfast and went on their way to work. She had returned saying she didn’t have her car. I said that someone will be coming by in a limo to pick her up and that her car would still be there when she got there. During the afternoon yesterday, I had her car brought to a shop for new tires, an oil change, detailed on the inside, gas filled and went through the car wash. I washed their bedding from last night, as well as the towels from this morning and my clothes from yesterday. 

I cleaned the rest of the house, remade their beds, put their folded towels away and then washed, dried and put away the dishes from this morning. I grabbed my stuff and waited for the cab that I called earlier. I made it to the airport earlier than needed. As I checked in, for the very first time, I was asked for ID. I said no problem so I showed my license; they noticed a government employee stamp on my license so they asked for my federal ID; I showed it to them, explaining that I was only a pharmacy technician for the federal government. They chuckled, not believing me and upgraded me to first class. I got to board before anyone else. 

I sat down in my new seat, connected my phone to the outlet in the plane, turned off the volume, left the flight attendants a note asking for an extra large bottle of water, to please let me sleep and left three $10 bills (there were 3 flight attendants). Seconds later, I was out cold; I woke up 20 minutes before landing. I drank about half the bottle, went to the bathroom and came back just in time for landing. Once we taxied to where we needed to be, I grabbed my stuff and the water and gave each flight attendant another $10; they said it wasn’t necessary but they thanked me. **Important travel tip: when going on a trip by plane, greet the flight attendants and  please tip each flight attendant a few bucks when boarding; this will make them remember you and there’s a better chance that they’ll help you out a little bit more. Also, show them respect!!**

I headed straight for the doors and saw my brother waiting for me. We hugged, threw my overnight bag in the trunk and headed back to the hospital. As we were on our way, I checked my phone; just a few texts from my mom about the babies being good and my friend who thanked me for the visit, taking care her car and cleaning up the house a little bit. 

We got to the hospital quickly and I asked my brother to come with me to sign JS out. He agreed - mostly for safety and also because they’re friends - I led the way, signed us in, brother dropped off his keys and stopped at JS’s room; he was finishing up packing. The psychiatrist was with him, explaining that he was giving JS a 4 month supply on his meds, gave him a counselor’s name and number to schedule appointments and they both came out of the room. 

JS was happy to see my brother; they hugged. When JS got to me, he dropped down to his knees, gently taking my hands in his, kissing the palms of both my hands, looked up at me: “My love. I’m so sorry that I hurt you terribly. I can’t make excuses for my behavior. I’ve been a bad father to our babies as well as a bad friend and lover to you. I will do everything that you’ve asked for and I will prove myself daily to you, our babies and your family. I love you so much, baby!” I asked him to get up and as he stood up to his full height. I grabbed a chair stood on it, took his face in my hands and kissed him with everything I had. 

I stepped off the chair and returned it. I faced my brother and JS; JS was still crying. I went back over to them, asking JS about our promise to each other. He remembered it and repeated it: “I will love you no matter what happens between us; I have loved you as my friend and also as my lover. I promise to continue to love you for the rest of our lives on earth as friends and as lovers. Nothing nor anyone will tear us apart. I love you.” I told him that no matter what, we keep that promise but the important thing is that he needs to meet our babies because I needed help picking their names. 

We arrived to my house in no time. My brother introduced JS to our babies as I pumped my overfull breasts; I hadn’t pumped in 24 hours, it was going to take a long time. I ended up falling asleep for part of it. When I was done, I showered, got dressed, grabbed the multiple bottles of pumped milk and went downstairs. My mom grabbed the bottles from me, put them in the fridge and gave me a hug. She and I went to the living room to watch JS with the babies; we saw he’d be a great daddy. 

I let go of my mom’s hand and walked over to JS, slipping my arm around his waist. He looked at me, smiled and told me that he loves me. We looked at the babies as they were waking up; I said that our daughter would be Katya - after my best friend - and he said that our son would be JS II. We changed the babies diapers, I breastfed them and they were ready to go outside for a ride in their fancy stroller; our families brought them outside for the stroll give us some privacy. Once the door closed behind them, JS and I looked at each other; he looked like he didn’t know what to do now so I grabbed his hand and let him upstairs to my room. 

I closed the door, took off my clothes and got into bed while he looked at me like he was wondering if I trusted him in bed with me. I told him to get undressed, get in bed and take a nap. He got into bed with me and wanted to put his arms around me but I told him to keep his hands to himself and that it’s time to nap. He sighed, rolled over to his other side and fell asleep. We woke up an hour later and went downstairs together. I asked my parents to take the babies until tomorrow so JS and I could talk. They agreed and as they were packing up, I used the breast pump....as usual it took a long time as I produce a ton of milk.

JS and I fought for most of the day about the woman he slept with a few times, the chance that he went off his meds and my lack of trust in him right now. Once I explained that he lied to me about being the only one he was having sex with, lied to me about going off his meds and not sure if he contracted an STD from the woman he slept with a few times and that I was ready to take the kids, leave him, use his medical records to guarantee that I get sole custody of the kids and that we’d go so far away that he wouldn’t find us, he understood how serious this is. It was a reality check for him. He said that he’d work his ass off to prove that staying with him was worth it  

Our babies returned the next day around noon, my parents said hi to the both of us and then they left. I fed the babies, changed their diapers and we played with them until it was time for them to take a nap. We brought them up to their cribs - which we put next to each other - put them in their cribs, put on soothing music, turned on the baby monitor. When we got downstairs, JS asked if I wanted to have more kids with him. I told him that at this point in time that I don’t want to have more kids with him and nor do I want to be in a serious relationship with him. Clearly, he was hurt but he understood that’s where we are right now.

As we continued to work on our family and trust, JS didn’t return to work after we had our babies because he wanted to be a stay at home dad and my job was changing; I became the lead HR supervisor of two floors; the floor that the pharmacy is on and the one above it...this floor has the directors of all departments and I outrank them. LOL; quiet and unnoticeable me as the boss and outranking people.  They just advise me what they need to be signed, what I need to document and whatnot, etc. I decided that we ALL work together as a team and make decisions together as a team even though I outrank them. It makes it so much easier to work together and it makes a better team. The best part is that I’m in the building 2 to 3 days a week, 8 to 10 hours a day. They either call or text if there's an issue as there really aren't any since we spend 24 to 30 hours a week in meetings with each other each week

With the money I’m now earning, we decide that I’ll buy a house and it’ll be in my name but it’ll be JS’s house as well since we both wear the pants in raising the babies and we’re still working on us. Some days are better than others and on the bad days (where we’d scream) one of our families would take the babies for a few days. Whether or not we had good days, we started sharing the same bed and occasionally having mind blowing sex again; forgetting to use protection.

We’d take short family vacations together, he’d go on short vacations with family and friends and I do as well with my friends and family. We get plenty of family time to make memories together and with our individual family and friends. Unfortunately, one of JS’s mini vacations didn’t end well. 

He’d been doing great by staying on his meds, seeing a counselor twice a month, sees the psychiatrist from the hospital once a month, stopped with the STD checks, stopped with the lie detector tests and stopped with checking med levels in his blood. We were so happy with our family and I didn’t know he stopped his meds; our families and our friends never noticed a change in his mood nor behavior. 

So he went with some friends to their usual cabin that I own to go fishing on the lake 45 minutes away. I have the phone numbers for his friends that he’s going with (we both agreed that is important in case the one watching our beautiful kids has an emergency and needs the other parent). They arrive a little later than normal due to traffic (JS hated traffic more than I do and I HATE traffic!), it’s too late to go fishing so they go to the local restaurant to eat, go back to the cabin to settle in for the night. 

JS unpacks his bags like he usually does and uses the dresser and the closet; his friends aren’t that organized but I still think they’re great guys. The next morning, the guys get ready; grab food, their fishing equipment, the boats and away they go on the lake. Not one of the guys noticed that JS had a rope attached to his bag. After a few hours of no luck, they dock across the lake for lunch. JS calls me to let me know that they’re out fishing, they’re having fun, that he can’t wait to be in bed with me again and tells me how much he loves me. I tell him to enjoy his tight with his friends and fishing, I wished him to have fun, I love him and that I can’t wait to be in his arms again. We tell the other one that we love each other and hang up. 

They guys didn’t notice when they docked that JS had his rope and his bag with him when they got out of the boat.  He tells them that he’s going for a hike; he goes so far that he loses his cell reception. He finds a tree and hangs himself. After a bit, the guys realized that he was gone for a long time and that they’re losing daylight. They shout his name and call his phone. They can’t reach him and can’t find him so they call the local park rangers. 

One of the guys from the trip calls me, expecting that I’ll be dead asleep (but I’m a light sleeper when JS is gone), once I answer, he lets me know that JS got lost, the park rangers are looking for him and they hope to find him soon. I thank him and hang up. I call my mom at this point; I know she doesn’t sleep well either when JS is gone either. I asked her to wake my dad, grab all the pets, their dog food and dog food bowls grab  as many sets of clothes they can pack and get to my house to watch the kids. She says ok and hangs up with no questions asked. I had them escorted by our police department to my house to make sure that they'd arrive sooner than their usual time.

I call several colleagues from work; they’re all on the same phone call and on speaker as I’m packing a bag. I explain that my partner has gone missing when out with friends, I’ll be helping the park rangers, my parents and their pets will be watching the kids and the house; I describe what my parents, their pets and their cars look like (I have people watching my house 24/7 because of constant death threats directed towards me). My parents arrive moments later. I hug my parents and head out the door. I turn back because I need to grab my government employee badge, my federal employee gun, its ammo and license to carry. 

I pack up my truck - a Ford 250 pick up truck, fully loaded and many extras - I throw on the lights and go on my way. It usually takes me 40 minutes to get to the cabin but because of the lights, it takes me 20 minutes. I get to the cabin, park right next to it, grab my phone, a heavy duty flashlight, the battery pack for my phone, my gun, my employee badge and my asthma inhaler. I ask the first uniformed person to ask where their lead contact person is. They point out Mac; I’ve worked with him before. He reminds me of a flaky hippie in appearance but underneath that, he is one of the most incredible friends I’ve had, great search and rescue task force leader and one of the country’s top 2 hostage negotiators; he hasn’t lost a hostage in his 18 year career....he's SO good that foreign nations want to hire him. He may or may not be my hero! 😉

I call out his name as I approach him and he turns his head. We walk to each other and meet half way. I tell him it’s my partner JS missing and that I want the father of my children back. He hugs me and gives me an ugly but necessary reflective yellow vest. He also hands me an old purse of his wife’s; a cross body bag that I can store my stuff in but it can also handle the job in the woods. I run back to the truck to grab my boots, run inside the cabin to go to the bathroom and then I head back outside.

Mac’s assigning jobs and I get my least favorite; since I’m short I look at my level and below, look under things and if needed, I climb. Before we disburse, Mac hands us all a whistle; the whistle is used 1. to let the others know we found a body or 2. to let the others now that our missing person is hurt. Mac asks if I’m good alone or I want someone to work with; I tell him that prefer to fly solo. He chuckles and said he’s figured as much.

I decide to go on a semi hidden path that JS and I have used to sneak away to have sex. I know the path like the back of my hand. The further I go, the farther I am from someone else. It’s quiet...too quiet; it's getting eerily quiet. I start to sing JS’s favorite song, hoping he can hear me. I keep going further up the mountain and I see signs that JS had used this path. I slow down because I know to expect the worst. I look high and low; I see something out of the corner of my eye as I’m walking. I turn back, shine my light on it only to find my lover hanging from a tree. 

I blow the whistle with the whistle to let the other searchers that a body was found and changed my flashlight from the normal beam to a flashing red light so they could find my exact location. I kept blowing the whistle. A few minutes later, Mac and a few others - who were carrying an empty gurney - showed up. Mac called the park rangers and the police to give an exact location. 

I knew that I was going to be sick. I found a bush 3 yards  away and was sick. I rinsed my mouth out with water and used a medical grade mint mouthwash. I walked back to where I found my lover’s body. Mac warned me that it could be ugly. I told Mac that I’ve seen many ugly things in my life but seeing my dead lover wasn’t ugly as the other horrible things that I’ve seen. He turned green and said ok, stating that he didn't want to know...and I wasn’t going to share.

They were waiting for someone small but they weren’t expecting me. I told them that I was going to climb that tree to cut my lover’s body down and I expect them to catch him and treat his body with respect. Mac and his friend stepped up as I was almost ready to cut JS down. “Mac? He’s a big man, ok? He’s 6’6 and is about 220 pounds to 240 pounds. He’s going to drop and he’s going to drop HARD!” 

Mac nodded as he and his friend moved closer with a net. I yelled down that I was cutting the rope and to expect my lover’s body; they were ready and they gracefully grabbed his body, placing it on the gurney, put a white sheet covering his body and strapped him in. 

A phone went off and Mac realized it was his, telling me that my mom was calling him; I don’t recall he or I giving her his number. I told him to answer it and tell her what happened. I heard her screaming and I fainted. 

I woke up in a local federal hospital a few hours later; my family, Mac, his wife and JS’s family were in the room. Everyone looked like they lost sleep, had been crying and acting like they’ve seen me dead. I asked for water and my babies; they arrived seconds later and I fed them. The morgue called me requesting that I call someone I knew and trusted to take care of JS’s autopsy.  My brother knew who it was and he gave them a call right away.

I tried to get out of the hospital bed but there were too many wires. A nurse came in so I asked her to take everything on me and in me off and out, she said she couldn’t do it unless the doctor ordered it so I did it myself. I ran straight to the bathroom to vomit; I knew something was off since I rarely vomit twice in 30 hours.

The doctors were all called in and said that I passed out due to shock of finding my love, hanging dead in a tree and confirmed that I’m pregnant. I started to cry because my babies will be too young to remember their daddy and the new one will never know who their daddy was. I know that having an abortion came across my mind but one death in my immediate family was enough (I’m supportive of women who decide to have an abortion and I’m also supportive of women who can’t/won’t due religious or other reasons they have). 

I tell the doctors to get the ‘against medical advice’ paperwork ready because I need to go home, be both parents to my children and plan my love’s funeral. My mom and JS’s mom helped me get dressed, packed up my stuff and when I was ready, the paperwork was brought in. I didn’t read anything except where I need to sign, date and initial. Since I’m a notary as well, I found my notary kit and notarized it myself before returning it to the nurse. I thanked her and everyone on my care team.  Both families and I left

Back at home, I had my dad read through the will to see what JS wanted. He was an organ donor so I signed whatever paperwork needed to for the donations. We also saw that JS - since he was in fifth grade - had been a multimillionaire because a great aunt, great uncle or great grandparents or great whomever died and left him money. 99% of the money is going to our kids (the will included the born and any fetus of JM’s that I was carrying at the time of his death) and the rest of the money is going to whatever charity I choose. The 1% is several million dollars. I chose suicide awareness.  

I finally received the autopsy report. There were zero levels of alcohol, illicit drugs or controlled drugs in JS’s system, low levels of his BPD meds and the brain scan showed a malignant tumor the size of a kiwi. The pathologist said that the tumor caused the suicidal thoughts and unlikely behavior of JS (yelling and screaming at me) according to the oncologist and neuro doctors, there was nothing that could be done to fix it; JS could either wait for death or meet death face on like he did. 

We planned a small memorial service outside for JS at his favorite park.  Thousands of people attended; all of them were touched by JS in such a positive way that they paid everything forward just like JS did throughout his life. Many of them asked who I was and they all looked surprised since they weren't aware that JS was seeing anyone. As per JS’s request, his memorial service and funeral was non religious. We laid him to rest - privately - at his family mausoleum.

When the funeral ended and his extended family dispersed, I tapped his lawyers’ arm to get his attention; when he turned around, I demanded that we talk with zero lies and zero hiding anything. The lawyer was surprised I called him out. We walked into a room in the maintenance building of the cemetery, we sat down. I asked why everyone asked who I was and when I told them that they looked surprised. The lawyer asked if I had multiple scars in a circle shape and if I remembered anything. I said yes I have the scars he mentioned and I remembered getting hit by something that hurt so much, that they felt like mini bombs exploding, getting slammed to the ground by a boy around my age and waking up in the hospital seeing my family cry. The lawyer said that JS was in the same town I was and at the same time; he saw a younger girl get hit by bullets and shrapnel from a robbery gone wrong and that he knocked down the girl to protect her; that girl was me. 

I wanted to believe it but the lawyer had JS’s diaries, JS’s saved newspaper clippings about me and wrote about me in his journals. JS stated in his journals that he started loving me that day and if we were to cross paths later in life, we were to date, marry each other or just love each other and have kids. This was 10 years prior to my freshman year of high school; JS eventually told my brother some time in high school. 

This made me cry and made me love JS even more. We were on and off for 16 years before he died. He gave me 3 wonderful children, his love and I was happy for the time we had  

**Five years pass by**

It’s been years since his death. I no longer tell people that I’m a high profiled government employee but instead an HR supervisor on a very LARGE company, I tell people that my husband died in accident and we were a normal and happy family doing the best we could since his death. Thankfully, the three kids understand what happened since they are older now. 

The kids and I needed to move to another house because we couldn't live there anymore without crying almost everyday; it wasn't healthy. I put the house on a market and decided to move to a mini mansion that had three smaller houses on the property. I brought both my family and JS's family to see the property and the houses; they loved the property as much as I did. It was agreed that we'd move here. It was still in the same school district as the kids were in and the house was much closer to their friends as well.

We told the kids and we all chipped in packing up what we wanted; JS's parents and I made a tough decision of donating his clothes to homeless shelters, his two vehicles went to families of cancer patients so they had a more reliable transportation to go get treatment and we donated most of his tools to non profit organizations that built houses while I kept the remaining. We - my family and JS’s family- kept a few small things of JS’s that we felt were important to us. I kept his high school varsity jacket, high school ring and from his safety deposit box from a bank, he had left a note written for me with some expensive jewelry and $18,000,000 in cash. The note explained that the rings were my engagement ring, wedding ring and his wedding ring and the cash was for emergencies. There was another note stating that once realtors knew our house was up for sale, they all were to lead me to the house I was buying; I’m forever grateful for that.

Two weeks later, we all moved in and helped each other with unpacking and getting each house turned into a home.  Both families eventually sold their houses previous houses; they wanted to pay rent but I told them it was unnecessary. It feels amazing to have JS’s parents, my brother and my parents close by so they can see their grandkids, niece and nephews often. 

I eventually retired from that job about 6 months after the move. I was a high paid government employee and held many jobs with the government since JS’s death; I can’t disclose much due to security reasons as I signed multiple NDA contracts. What I can disclose to people I meet is that I was a certified pharmacy tech in a building owned and run by a private corporation and became their HR supervisor before working for a high security job within the private corporation. Many have guessed who I worked for and they are always wrong. 

I do some moonlighting with the government now for a few different agencies but due national security, I can’t disclose any information. It often takes me away from my kids but I know that my family, my kids’ “Uncle” Mac, and several of my close friends who know what I do have a great system in place and have many people who love them very much. 

My kids were healthy and happy, thrilled that they had grandparents and an uncle 25 yards away, near friends and near the playground. Many people who don’t know me or what happened with JS tell me that they respect me because I raised 3 kids and worked for a large corporation as a single mom; I’ve tried to explain that I was able to do it because of help of family but they don’t believe me; they thought I was SuperWoman.

Recently, my kids, my family and JS’s family asked if I’m ready to move on and start dating again. I chuckle, explaining  that there’s NO moving on from finding your lover dead by suicide nor that I’m ready to date seriously but feel like that I’m cheating on JS so I can’t bring myself to it and it’ll be some time; I have gone dates but it’s just been a date here and there but no man got a second date since it felt like it was wrong.

I started seeing a therapist months after JS’s death because I was traumatized and still continuing therapy. I know JS’s parents go 2 to 3 times a week and still go; my family went for a year. It still hurts like hell for all of us but we’re there for each other.

Maybe one day, the pain will be ok enough that I can live a fuller life with a future partner. I do spend time with my friends either by myself or with my kids; I love my friends, they love my kids and my kids love them and I but I can always see a little pity  mixed with sympathy in their eyes. It’s a little tiring but I know that they care. They tried to talk with me about it but it’s rough (even with my therapist!) and they know that I’m not shutting them out when they bring up JS’s death. They know that I will never admit it, JS was the love of my life and no one could ever replace him....I don’t want anyone to. In my heart and mind, I call JS my husband. We didn’t need the fuss of actually getting married nor having a marriage license. I did legally change my name so the kids and I share his name. I should’ve done that before but I didn’t know that he was going to end his life.

No matter what I do and no matter where I go, JS is with me; I can’t see him but I can feel him, sense he’s with me and sends me signs that he’s never left me. Most mornings, I see an indent in his pillow and sometimes I swear he just walked by because I can smell his natural scent mixed with the cologne that he often wore; it was manly but yet soft; if I could bottle what he smelled like before he died, I would have.

I miss him the most in the morning and at night when it was just us. We’d lay in each other’s arms listening to each other breathing and their heart beating. Sometimes, we’d take this time to just make love...no rushing, taking our time, listening to each otherwise bodies and desires...we were one body, heart and mind. He was my perfect partner and I was his. I still bare the many scars that brought us together and kept us together. 

I still wear my rings every day and his ring on my necklace. I feel his ring on my skin daily as a reminder of his love for me; sometimes I feel like the ring is warm from his touch but I know it’s from wishful thinking. I look up at the sky every single day knowing that he’s out there looking out for me and our kiddos. Sometimes I think I hear him call my name or whisper his nickname for me. 

I wish he were still with us; we’d have another child or five, watch them grow up and have lives of their own and we’d grow old together. At night, before falling asleep, I imagine what we’d be like as an older couple….my favorite thought of us would be that older couple who’d never be able to keep their hands off of each other and still have crazy and passionate sex. 

I feel relieved

It’s been less than 2 weeks since I walked away from both Vince and C. I’ll love them both because they were a big of my life - one longer than the other - but I don’t want to be “fought over” by two grown ass men. It’s weird at my age to have guys act like middle school aged boys trying to one up the other. 

I don’t want to say that Vince was controlling towards the end - when I shared with him that C wanted to meet up - but that’s what it definitely felt like. C was acting like he was trying to take me me away from Vince despite having a girlfriend; don’t know if that was his intention or not since I haven’t spoken to him in over a week. 

I believe that both Vince and C care about me to an extent but they showed it all in the wrong ways. Vince - 19 yrs older than me - tended to be overprotective of me (which is kinda sweet but also a massive pain in the ass) whereas C is within my age range (give or take a year) wanted to protect me from myself since I over think (which is sweet). 

At the end of the day, between the 3 of us, despite all of us wanting what’s best for me, I’m the one who knows what’s truly best for me; it’s my life and I know where I want to be.