Why I dropped off the face of the earth

I have dropped off the face of the earth for many reasons…the one main reason why I disappeared was because I had a miscarriage. No one in my immediate family knows nor do many of my friends; only a few selected close friends know….my BFF knows, C knows and my one friend who is like a sister to me knows.

As careful as I am with taking my birth control, K and I weren’t as safe as I thought we were. I had taken an antibiotic that cancels/deactivates my birth control and had sex without condoms. I wasn’t thinking about how long it was between the last day of the antibiotic and having sex…its suggested to use back up (like condoms and the morning after pill) for a week after taking antibiotics so the birth control can kick back in.

I found out that I was about 6 weeks pregnant during the first half of June. 

With K being separated and a divorce being up in the air, I never told him that I was pregnant. A few days after finding out, I ended up starting to have a miscarriage when I got home. I had called my neighbor to meet me at me on my driveway as I needed a ride to the hospital as I was bleeding excessively. I knew what was happening but I didn’t tell him until the miscarriage was completed.

I was admitted to the hospital for care – not the ER but as an inpatient in a room – the doctor cleaned out my cervix and also gave me an antibiotic to prevent an infection, gave me an IV for rehydration and they wanted me to stay but I left against AMA (against medical advice) despite not being cleared. As I was signing papers, I had texted my neighbor to ask him to bring his truck around to the front of the hospital to bring me home.

When he dropped me off at home, I told him that I was fine and that he could go home and if I needed anything, I would call him. I napped for a bit then got up and then had dinner. I tried to sleep afterwards but I couldn’t so I called him to ask him to spend the night. I gave him the options of me setting up the couch for him, the room next to mine OR he could sleep on the floor in my room; he suggested that if he’s staying in my room, he’s going to sleep on my queen bed with me. I said that it was fine then joked that he shouldn’t try any funny business. He had a chuckled and stripped down then joined me in bed. He held me in my arms as we slept. Around 6/6:30, my neighbor woke up, showered, wrote a note and left for work. Over the next few days, he checked in on me several times a day and slept over a few nights.

I did go back to work the day after the miscarriage. It was hard, though. I never told K that I was pregnant nor did I tell him that I had a miscarriage. He saw me during the last two weeks of the school year and noticed that I was upset- he’d asked me a few times why I was upset but I told him not to worry about it as it’ll all work out on its own. He finally let it go.

The last few days of school were hard as I’d miss the kids and the staff but mostly the kids. On the last day of school, I had told K that it was my last day at the school and that I’d have the summer program start a few days after the last night. That last day of school was the last time I spoke to K. Neither one of us had reached out to the other….I am ok with that. Sure, I miss him and always will but I feel like it’s for the best as he’s still legally married although he’s separated. A very, VERY, very small part of me will still care for him and about him. I wish the best for he and his family – I will think fondly of him when he crosses my mind.