Why is life so difficult?

I’ve been doing well part from both C and Javi; but to be honest, I actually miss C. I feel like he was more concerned about me after Accident #1 but once I posted the last time, he blocked me. I get why. I hurt him even though it wasn’t my intention. But c’est la vie.

After Accident #2, my ex from 10 yrs ago came back waltzing into my life. I wasn’t too happy with that because he cheated on me god knows only how many times; kept denying and denying, even though I knew of one case getting someone (his ex before me) pregnant. He denied that too; until a month prior to his child being born.

He keeps telling me that he’s trying to show me what I mean to him. I told him that he’s ten years too late……TEN years too late! He should’ve shown me when he had the chance prior to this nut job being pregnant. Both his mother and I had kept telling him that this woman is effing nuts and still in love with him; she wanted his child/ren despite no longer being together. He brushed it off and claimed that it was an accident that he cheated on me and getting her pregnant. I asked him multiple times then and a million times now; “How the eff is it possible that it was an accident that you guys started kissing, an accident that you guys started taking your clothes off and you accidently fall into her naked vagina penis first? It was NO accident! It was planned and you didn’t THINK that I’d find out.”

Even today, he still claims it was accidental (seriously, how can someone “accidentally” fall penis first into a vagina?). I keep calling bull shit on this nonsense. Several of my friends who know what happened ten years ago know that he’s back in my life; they keep asking me why I’m wasting my time with him. I told them to talk shit out, heal and then walk away.

Every few days, he asks me how I feel about him and I keep telling him that I’m indifferent. He then asks what he can change and I tell him that there’s nothing that he can do to change what he did in the past. He tells me that he wants to marry me in the future and I told him that he lost that chance 10 years ago. Was that mean? Not as mean as you think it was meant. Is it the honest to fuck truth? Yes.

It took me many years after him to realize how amazing I am. I’m smart, funny, have an acerbic wit, puny, sarcastic, I’m fiercely loyal to my fam and close friends, I’m generous.