I am taking some time away from both Vince and C as I need to find some answers for myself. I know that at the end of the day, that, I, as a woman, do NOT need anyone but myself to me happy.
It was nice to reconnect with C but the relationship just isn't the same as it was when we first met; he's more guarded than he used to be and I find it a little bit more difficult to hold a solid conversation when he's as guarded as he is now. Not that being guarded is a bad thing but it makes him a little hard to hold a conversation with. I don't know what you would consider this relationship as we BS, send memes but we don't hang out. It's like we're friends but we're really not friends...we didn't start out as friends....we started out as FWB; guess it kind of evolved from FWB to acquaintances that talk on occasion.
Reconnecting with Vince is always great both physically and emotionally. We saw each other through a number of things as our relationship changed throughout the years. As my teacher 20 odd years ago, he was a concerned teacher for not just me but for all of his students, when I was out of high school and we dated he felt like he had to kind of step in to protect me (don't get me started!!!), after we broke up it was awkward but he still showed concern about me when we were in the same room, when his brother died (think it was a freak scuba accident but I don't recall and he hardly mentions it anymore so I let it go) was even more awkward - I went to the viewing and the funeral as support to him and to his family as his family loved me (they love me still to this day) and now that we're kind of back together, I just don't know what to make of it. He proposed, I told him that I didn't know and that I would give him an answer (he's expecting one in the next week!)…we aren't dating, we're not "officially" engaged, we're definitely not FWB because that has no romantic feelings whatsoever and we love each other...guess you could call us friends as we do hang out (and we're not always having sex but it's an added bonus).
I honestly don't know what to do about C as I feel like he doesn't have many CLOSE friends - yes, he does have a significant amount of friends (like 10 or 15 solid friends that he's spending time/hanging with) but none that are close.....that I know of - and I don't want to abandon him as I think that he is a good person and that we all need friends that we do have a past with. Know what I mean?
As for Vince....I want to say that I will marry him but I don't want to be married to him for 5 years and then say: "Baby, I love you, but I am bored and want a divorce!" That isn't the type of marriage I want to be in plus it wouldn't be fair to either one of us. At the same time, I need to come clean to him to tell him that I don't need a piece of paper stating that he and I love each other.....it's between us and those we share it with. We both enjoy being with each other - spending a few nights a week at the other's place - but the same time we enjoy having our own individual place so we have the opportunity to give each other - and ourselves - some space.
I still don't know what answer I will give him when I promised him an answer. I won't see him again until Sunday - he gets back from his vacation on Saturday mid afternoon - and he knows I won't have my answer for him on Sunday. Since I have the key for his place, I plan on going over there later tonight, check again on his plants, dusting, vacuuming, doing some minor laundry as some of my stuff is still there and a few dirty things of his that he didn't feeling doing and a few other things so his apartment is in better shape for his return. I was thinking about doing a little grocery shopping before I go over tonight so that way he has fresh dairy, veggies and fruits but I think that I'll do that early tomorrow morning in case I need to clean out wilted veggies and fruit tonight.
I'll definitely do some light cooking - meals that he can just pop in the oven or microwave to reheat for the next few days. He doesn't like to cook when he gets some from a vacation. I know....you're all wondering that since I'm still not sure what my answer is going to be, then why on earth am I doing minor cleaning and minor cooking for him. The bottom line is that no matter what I tell him next week, I am always going to love him. That's never going to change.
Speaking of which - lol - we all know that I am still going to love Vince (unable to stop the second I want to) but I have a little fear that he will stop loving me if I tell him no. I think that he - like me - won't stop loving me the second he wants.....I know that he's going to be hurt if I say no and I'm afraid that he'll shut me out. Guess that not only do I have to figure out an answer for next week, I need to be prepared for him to shut down his emotions for me and for him to walk away.
He is a very fair man - always was and always will be - but I will give him all the time (and space) in the world if I tell him no...he wouldn't want to see me for a bit.
No matter what my answer will be next week, I will tell Vince that I will always love him, he will always be a part of me and I am who I am partly because of him.
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