I’m done with Vince and C

I’m done with both Vince and C. I love and respect Vince but I don’t appreciate that he’s trying to dictate who I do and do not see; I’m an adult - not too far from being 40 - and he’s trying to tell me to that I’m not “allowed” to visit with my former lover when it’s safer.

I miss C and the weird FWB relationship we had a few years back but I didn’t appreciate him ghosting me (and he finally apologized to me about it today).  I told I forgive him but I was I wasn’t bothered by it at all; I was beginning to getting tired of of him. Was the sex amazing? Heck yes! Did his “member” make me cry because it was gorgeous AND amazing? Yes....it was glorious. Best sex I had at that point in time? Yes.

The fact of the matter is, I can’t be the “other” woman for C or anyone else for that matter. I was the other woman for 3 years and it nearly destroyed a marriage. C is slightly different because of the girlfriend but I’d stay the other woman IF I continued to talk to him...he’d try to sweet talk me into having sex again. 

If he texts (or calls me) tomorrow, I’m just going to say: “C, thank you for the time we were together as FWBs. I had a good time and you had a good time. You have a girlfriend and I’m not interested in being involved - in anyway - in your relationship with her. You can choose spending time with girlfriend or you can choose to get yourself involved with me, destroy your relationship with her, have that relationship end because of me, then turn around to blame me and walk away; again. This is my decision; I choose to walk away. I’m not going to be your friend, I’m not going to talk to you while you’re in a serious relationship, I’m not going to be involved with you sexually while you’re in a relationship; if there is a time when we’re both single - at the same time - we can try to be FWBs again. Until then? I’m walking away until you can promise me and prove to me that you’re single. I have too much self respect for myself to be the “other” woman again. Best of luck in your relationship, enjoy it and I wish you well in you’re future endeavors!”

The rest of 2021 is going to be me focusing on me and not dating anyone (man or woman). I will continue to be friends with both my male and female friends but there will be NO romance. 

I’m done with 2021

And it’s not even the end of January yet. I’m tired of Vince’s super over protective attitude (like wanting/needing to come with me to meet up with C), texting me to make sure I’m wearing my mask when I’m out taking a walk with my dog, constant reminders of when (and where) my medical appointments are, etc. I’m tired of C trying to get me to have sex with me again (he’s FANTASTIC by the way) but he has a gf. I keep telling him no because we are both seeing people (even though Vince and I don’t give a title to what type of relationship we have). 

I have a male friend, M, who I’ve met through a previous church (he was the youth pastor, I was out of high schools for 7 yrs by the time we met; he’s still religious while I float between agnosticism and atheism) who’s constantly there for me even though there’s an 8 hr time difference between us. He is my only male best friend. M is one of those friends who does NOT judge their friends but supports the heck out of his friends. He knows about the stuff going on with Vince and C; he believes I should end it with Vince and leave C alone. 

I 100% agree with M on ending it with both Vince and C; they’re both annoying the fuck out of me. Both are great guys - separately - but once they knew someone else had my attention, it’s like they’re both fighting for me. Ugh. I can’t even deal with one guy being interested in me. 

I’ve been talking with my closest BFF (I have 3; bff from childhood, one from both my community college AND from our state college and the other from the state college....Talking about my bff from the community and state college) about the whole situation. She insists that I’m beautiful (we’re best friends and soul sisters - friends who are as close as sisters) and isn’t surprised that guys are fighting over me but does agree with M that I should end it with both Vince and C because at my age, this is a bit ridiculous. She did make me laugh by saying that M is interested in me. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. LMFAO. Anyways, the last thing I need is 3 guys interested in me. 

I’ll definitely think about what my friend M and my college bff, KB, said....get rid of both of Vince and C. This isn’t healthy at all; not for me nor for them. It doesn’t help the fact that there’s a MINUSCULE chance that M *might* be interested in me.  

Ugh. FML 

This cold weather is BS

I don’t want you, my dear followers, to know where I live (I love anonymity & privacy) but what I can & will share that it is winter where I live; we get snow, cold weather during the day and even colder nights (drops 10* F to 25* F a night). I’m NOT in the Arctic continents nor Arctic nations. 

This weather is complete BS. Yes, I hate cold weather and hate sleet, icy roads and snow even worse; makes me miserable. Even with the heat on and set at a reasonable temperature, I’m wearing thermal pants, lounge pants, long sleeved thermal shirt, long sleeved shirt, flannel shirt, sweatshirt, thick socks and warm slippers, I’m still cold. 

On the colder days, I use a heating pad - either on my stomach or back - to help me get warm and stay warm; as those days, I tend to shiver. I’ve been known to run warm to hot water over my wrists, hands and feet...it helps me to feel warm and oddly enough, it works 

I’m not having any luck this year

I’ve been feeling tons better as I recovered from the flu but I started to go down hill. I kept clearing my throat (post nasal drip), congested nose that a 12 hr decongestant, nasal saline solution and an allergy nasal spray didn’t do the trick, cold meds weren’t doing the trick either. 

I finally had it and made an appointment with my doctor. As frustrated as I was that it was a virtual appointment, I’m grateful that they are maintaining their policy of “If you have any similar symptoms of Covid, we are unable to allow you into the building for the safety of everyone else.” I have a sore throat (from the post nasal drip), minor cough (from the post nasal drip),  congestion/runny nose and chills. 

To clarify - I have NOT been anywhere near a person who has Covid. I usually am home but when I do go out, it’s to a local park with one of my dogs (I see other people but I stay at least 30 YARDS away from them and wear my mask), the doctor’s office for the first shot of the Covid vaccine, seeing my oncologist and pulmonologist in person (typically kept on the shorter side but drs are still thorough and go to both on the same day since are both located in the doctor’s office building attached at the local hospital), and going through the drive thru window at my pharmacy. But other than that, I avoid entering buildings. My overall health is not the risk. 

Once I get the second dose of the vaccine, it won’t be as effective as it is until 2 weeks after the second dose. 

So I finally decided

I’m an adult and decided to meet up with C after we’re both vaccinated with both shots. As much as I care about and love Vince, I’m not a child nor is he my father, I don’t think it would be appropriate for him to be there nor be within minutes away. I appreciate the fact that Vince wants to be nearby just in case I need an excuse but that would be weird because I’d be driving myself to where C & I meet up. He could always call and feign an emergency. Why would I need anyone to come get me if I drove? I understand it if it was because I had too much to drink or there was an emergency or if someone brought me but there’s no reason when I’m meeting an old lover - who I haven’t seen in a few years and feel indifference towards. 

I don’t feel like C would hurt me in anyway. He hadn’t physically, mentally or emotionally abused me at all and he doesn’t have an reason to do so now. Do I trust him 100%? No. Do I trust him at all? Just enough to know that he wouldn’t harm me. He wouldn’t risk his job nor his relationship with his gf by hurting me in anyway; he isn’t stupid. A pain in the ass? Yes. 

Talked with Vince

I shared with Vince that C came back into my life unexpectedly and wanted to hang out with me when we're both vaccinated and after we isolated. To be honest? Vince wasn't thrilled that my former lover came back into my life. I don't blame him at all. If an old lover of Vince's came back into his life, I wouldn't be happy either. I'd make a point that I would NOT be in the same room as her nor meet her. And yes, I am aware that everyone has a past. I have my own as you've read, right? Right.

Vince and I talked about this and we agreed that if C and I decided to follow through with meeting up, I would suggest a public place where #1. we could be socially distant to be extra safe #2. people would be around so there would like to be less of a chance that C and I would have sex #3. Vince would be within a 2 minute drive to come pick me up if I needed it. #4. there is a possibility that despite what Vince and I have and despite what C and his girlfriend have.....both C and I could walk away together as lovers again. Vince, clearly, didn't like #4. I don't blame him and I would be the same if it was he and one of his former lovers. We didn't need to talk about how many times C & I have had sex, nor where or how, etc. but he knows that we were lovers for about 2 yrs and we were quite "compatible" shall we say? 

When Vince and I are together intimately, it's quite different than it had been with our previous lovers/significant others/intimacies. There was passion, etc. in our previous relationships/lovers/intimacies, but this is Vince and I and where everything is different. Our appreciation for each other's intellect and appreciation of the other one's body and skill in bed is our own. We do NOT allow the ghosts of past relationships/intimacies to come in between us; not when we're gearing up, not during and not afterwards. It us and us alone. It was hard at first - on occasion - since we both accidently slipped names of previous intimacies so for a bit we agreed not to say each other's names or any terms of endearment until we could naturally utter each other's names. 

I am in a precarious situation here. I care as deeply for a man as deeply as does for me when a former lover comes back into my life and throws a curveball in my direction. Did I care about C when he and I were intimate? Yes; until we both found someone else. Was C the same when it came to me? Yes; until we both found someone else. Did C and I ever love each other? I didn't love him any more as I would a friend but not sure about him towards me; I don't know what went through his head then nor do I know anything that goes through his mind now. Will I always care for C? To a certain degree...there is no way to forget what we had nor forget what we did. A small part of me will always care for him and I wish him well in his future endeavors. Will C always care about me? I don't know. I think an even smaller part of him does to a point - he reached out to wish me a belated birthday; which is the first time in the 2 or so years we walked away from each other that he's done that. 

Despite where he and I with each other right now, I am grateful for him because he taught me so much about my body; what I like, dislike, enjoy and hate during sex. Prior to meeting him, when I had sex with a man, it was mutual pleasure of each other but with a hint of more his pleasure than mine. With C - of course, after him as well - I had a voice that I used to share what would and would not give me pleasure. Now, with Vince, I can use my voice to share with him what I would enjoy and be able to let him know how much I enjoy Vince's touch, passion and everything else

My birthday and C

So my birthday was the other day. I just stayed home with my family, played games, lounged around and stuffed my face. What else can an Italian ask for, right? (FYI - the family that stayed home is the family I live with so we have our own bubble; Corona is pretty scary right now). 

I received an Instagram message from C a few hours ago to wish me a belated birthday. I was rather surprised since we walked away from each other a few years ago. I thanked him and told him that I was surprised that he remembered. Mind you...he has a girlfriend and I’ve been on & off with Vince for a little bit. 

C asked me if we could meet up once we’re both vaccinated. I told him that once we’re both fully vaccinated, we (meaning him) isolated for 2 weeks; he was pissed but I have boundaries when it comes to my health. He finally agreed. I reminded him that he’s got someone and I’m casually seeing someone & I don’t want to muck it up. I **know** C...I know that he has a history of being unable to control his erections around me. 

I don’t know how to feel to be honest. I’d love to see him and talk face to face but then again, I dread it because knowing the both of us, we’d most likely have sex...normally I wouldn’t mind if he wasn’t with someone and I wasn’t on & off with Vince. I just don’t want to fuck it up. Sure Vince and I won’t/don't label ourselves but we’re sorta kinda not really dating. 

If both C and I were fully unattached, it’d be fine. And if I wasn’t still hurt (a little bit) when he walked away; which I saw coming but refused to see it. Just don’t know what to do.