Unraveling

The afternoon quiet in my house was abruptly broken by the familiar buzz of my phone. It was a text from Vince, and its arrival landed with a palpable weight.

Vince:
Your brother and I spoke for quite some time. He laid out all the frustrations you have with me – my need to be with you 24/7, trying to make sure that you’re ok, the proposal in the hospital and my “unnecessary rudeness” to your male friends. It was... a lot to take in.

I read his message, the words settling heavily in the silence of my living room. My fingers moved deliberately across the screen as I typed my reply.

Me:
If you're trying to protect me, why am I getting hurt significantly when you're around? Or, more accurately, because of your so-called protection? Why did it have to be my brother to talk to you about this instead of you listening to your girlfriend? I told you what I wanted and needed but you didn’t hear me nor listen to me. Your unnecessary rudeness is beyond unbelievable when it comes to Darnell - he’s bi.

His response came back quickly, a flurry of characters appearing on my screen.

Vince:
All I want is to keep you safe. Can't you see that?

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. This mediated communication felt more difficult than a direct conversation; it left too much space for misunderstanding. I typed my final message for the moment.

Me:
No, I can’t. Besides, I can't do this right now – I need a few days to figure things out. I need to decide if we’re going to continue to date, or if I need to end this.

A long, agonizing pause followed, the dreaded ellipsis appearing and disappearing several times. Then, his simple, singular acknowledgment arrived.

Vince:
Ok

The single word left me feeling strangely hollow and utterly drained.

Later that evening, my phone buzzed again. This time it was Darnell.

Darnell:

 

Jessica and I are on our way over. We need to talk and you’re the only person we can agree on.

Over the years, Darnell's girlfriend, Jessica, had become a good friend of mine, a warm and empathetic presence in my life. The text, signaling their imminent arrival, hinted that something serious was amiss.

When they stepped through the door, their faces were a complex mix: concern for me, yes, but also an evident, unspoken tension that stretched between them.

"Deppgrl, are you okay?" Jessica asked immediately, her eyes scanning my face with worry. Darnell, typically jovial, stood beside her, his usual playful demeanor absent, a distinct knot in his brow.

"Rather exhausted but I'm fine," I said, though the conviction in my voice probably wavered. "Come in. You both look like you're carrying the weight of the world. What's going on?"

Darnell ran a hand through his hair, glancing at Jessica. "We’re having this big discussion at my place and it started to turn into a fight. We know that we can’t figure everything out tonight but you’re a fair and reasonable person so we thought we’d see you."

"Okay," I conceded, a little apprehension stirring within me, but still attempting to maintain a hospitable front. "Well, let's get comfortable then." I busied myself, pouring them wine, then reheating some of the glorious food Aditi had brought over the day before. The comforting scent of spices filled the kitchen, a stark contrast to the escalating tension. Once we were all seated around my kitchen island, plates of fragrant curry between us, the dam that had been holding back their issues finally broke.

"Okay," Jessica began, her voice tight, barely controlled. "Darnell, you need to tell her."

Darnell shifted uncomfortably in his seat, pointedly avoiding my gaze. He cleared his throat. "Jess and I... we've been talking a lot lately about our relationship, about our future,. And I told her from the beginning that I wanted to wait to have sex until we're married."

I paused, my wine glass halfway to my lips. My eyebrows rose slightly in surprise. A decade into their relationship, I knew that something big was going to happen tonight. I glanced between them, unsure how to respond.

Jessica scoffed, a short, bitter sound that was laced with deep, raw hurt. "Ten years, Deppgrl. Ten years we've been together, and there's been zero conversation about marriage, not about what kind of engagement ring I might want, nothing! It's like he's been deliberately avoiding the topic, and honestly..." her voice dropped to a furious, barely contained whisper, "I believe he's gay."

Darnell's head snapped up, his face draining of all color, realizing that she knew. "Jess! What are you talking about?"

"I'm tired of your secrets, Darnell!" she screeched, pushing her plate away so hard it shattered against the countertop. "You blush every time you get a text on your phone and you try to hide it. You're cheating on me, and it's with a man!"

As their argument escalated, their voices rising sharply in pitch and volume, my head began to pound with a familiar, unwelcome throb behind my eyes. I pressed my temples, desperately trying to quell the rising pain and the chaotic noise. "Darnell?" I asked, my voice low but firm, a desperate plea for reprieve. "Make this stop. I don't need this right now."

My gaze met his for a split second, a look so subtle that Jessica, consumed by her rage, didn't even notice but Darnell did. His eyes registered my pain, and a flicker of something raw, something akin to panic, crossed his face. He knew exactly what I meant.

"Jess, I love you more than anything, and I do want to marry you, but I can't," Darnell said, his voice quiet but resolute, cutting through Jessica's angry rambling with a newfound gravity. He took a deep, shaky breath, his shoulders slumping in resignation. " I didn't realize until a few years after we started dating. I’d wondered for years prior why I was more attracted to men than women but I’ve been trying to deal with it, to understand it myself before I could ever tell you."

"Why didn't you tell me?!" Jessica shrieked, her voice tearing through the air, sharp and filled with anguish, the immediate hurt overriding everything else.

"Jess? Keep the noise to the bare minimum," I interjected, wincing, my voice a strained whisper as the pain behind my eyes intensified to an almost unbearable level.

Darnell, his gaze fixed on Jessica, his expression filled with remorse. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you," he sighed, his voice thick with genuine regret. "And the stigma of being a bisexual man working as a police officer in a small but very conservative town... it doesn't help. It made me afraid to even admit it to myself, let alone to you. But in the long run, I did hurt you. And I'm so, so sorry."

Jessica crumpled, the fight draining out of her, replaced by deep, racking sobs. She buried her face in her hands, her body shaking uncontrollably. Without a second thought, despite my own throbbing head, I pushed myself up and went over to comfort her, putting an arm around her shaking shoulders as I glared at Darnell, a silent accusation in my eyes. He might have deserved this pain, but Jessica, certainly, did not.

"Why didn't you tell her?" I said, my voice low and firm. "You waited ten years to tell her? For what? This?”

"She had to have known something, right?" Darnell said, rather cluelessly, his voice edged with desperation. "I just assumed that she assumed that I was bi."

"Get out," I grumbled, my patience evaporated.

"Did you know?" Jess asked between sobs, her voice muffled by her hands.

"To a degree," I admitted, my eyes still on Darnell. "He said that he was questioning his sexuality."

"You didn’t ask him over the years since?" she asked, pulling her hands from her face to look at me, her eyes swollen and red.

"No," I shook my head.

When Jess finally caught her breath and had some water, she announced that she was okay to drive home and that she’d let me know when she arrived safely.

"Hey, Deppgrl?" she said over her shoulder, her voice hoarse as she reached the door. "Thank you for not telling me. I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me."

"You’re welcome," I replied softly.

She left, and about an hour later, she texted that she got home. Minutes after that, my doorbell rang. I can’t do this anymore, I said to myself, I need to disable the doorbell. It was Darnell.

"No. Just no," I said as I raised my hand to stop him before he could speak. "I don’t want to hear it. You have zero excuse for not telling her, and you know that I wouldn’t tell her. And even if I did, you know she wouldn’t have believed me. Go home. I don’t want to see you for a few days."

I closed the door and went to bed, the silence a heavy blanket after the storm.